小三 Redditer: How do you let go of someone who never chooses you?

[Insouciant]

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How do you let go of someone who never chooses you?​

Done!

I don’t even really know what I expect from posting this. Maybe I just need to get it out of my system because I’m completely exhausted.

About 4 years ago I got close to a married man. I knew from the beginning that he had a wife, but despite that, a very strong emotional and physical connection developed between us. It wasn’t just sex — there were deep conversations, emotional bonding, spending time together, even sleeping next to each other… it genuinely felt like there was something real between us.

There was a period when it seemed like he might actually leave his marriage. I really started to believe in that possibility and hoped something more could come from this. But it never happened. He stayed in his marriage.

Since then, we’ve been in a very strange, inconsistent dynamic. Sometimes he lets me close — he is affectionate, uses pet names, wants to meet, plans things, even suggests we sleep together. Then suddenly he pulls away, stops replying, or says I’m “too much.”

There was even a time when he told me to text him more, to “pester” him because he liked it. Other times, he says it’s too much. It’s completely unpredictable.

Whenever I try to distance myself, he comes back and looks for me. When I get closer, he pulls away. It’s a constant push–pull cycle.

Meanwhile, the reality is that he stays with his wife. They travel together, renovate their house, and build a shared life. Everything looks stable on the outside. And that’s what hurts the most. Not that he has responsibilities, but that he maintains a parallel emotional relationship with me that never becomes complete.

I feel like I matter to him on some level. He says he’s proud of me, that he looks up to me, that he feels good with me. But it never turns into action or a real decision. There is no structure behind the words.

There was a night when I had something like a panic attack. I was crying and felt terrible, and the worst part was realizing how much I needed him in that moment. But he wasn’t there. And that’s when it truly hit me that I can’t rely on him when I really need someone.

Even communication can hurt. I don’t expect constant texting, but when I see that he reads my message and doesn’t reply, it hurts a lot — especially knowing he’s with his wife at that time. It makes me feel like I only matter when it’s convenient for him.

Now I’ve reached the point where I can say: this is not enough for me. I can’t be “just a friend” because I feel much more. I don’t want to be second. I don’t want to be a secret. I don’t want to be part of a “parallel life.”

And the hardest part is that it’s not that he feels nothing. I think he does feel something. Just not enough to choose me. He would rather stay in the life he has already built.

So even if I would choose him, he will not choose me.

I haven’t been able to fully let go yet because I’m still attached, and it’s hard, especially because sometimes he gives just enough attention and closeness to bring back hope.

But at the same time, I increasingly feel that I need to step out of this, because it’s hurting me.

Also, he recently said that the love and care I give him is wasted on a relationship like this.

I know I should let go, but it feels impossible.

My question is: how do you actually let go of someone you still love, while knowing they will never truly choose you?

 

[Insouciant]

After reading so many 小三 stories, I think there are a lot of married men and 小三s in our societies, but all manage to hide very well from view.

Your friend could be one.

Your colleague could be one.

Your siblings could be one.

Even the chiobu stranger who I notice staring blankly inside the MRT carriage everyday, could be another one.