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- Aug 20, 2022
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First time posting, just need to get the truth off my chest to people who understand
In My FeelsI have been the OW (33f - single, living alone) with my MM (39) for five years. Neither of us expected it, neither had never done anything like this before. We met at work, and became very good friends long before anything eventuated. We talked every day outside of work and in.
I had a crush on him when I met him, which I stifled once I found out he was unavailable. I suspected a couple of times over the months that followed that he had a crush on me, but thought I must be projecting my hopes.
When he eventually made the first move, he was terrified, so was I, but I was so happy, and we agreed we’d sleep together for a short time to get it out of our system and then just be friends.
Of course that didn’t happen. I know I fell in love with him first. But we both eventually did. We are as close as two people in our situation can be. We’ve been there for each other in real, true, hard situations. We have more fun together than should be possible. It’s just one of those rare connections that hits different.
Last year we went through a period where I needed space. He checked in nearly every single day just to ask how I was, but never pushed for sex or flirting.
But eventually I wanted to catch up, and as soon as I saw him I knew I was all in.
The time apart ended up being the best thing that could’ve happened as far as our relationship goes. The sex has never been better - even though it’s always been otherworldly good, we’re closer than ever, he’s showing up in real and tangible ways, and most importantly he’s told me he’s in love with me, and that he was an idiot for ignoring it and fighting it for so long. I always thought if I told him that it would be the end, instead it’s made everything better.
We’ve never talked about a future except for the fact that we are both all in, we want this even though it defies any expectation for our lives we had, we both know it’s hard, and that we’ll always be there for each other however we can.
This is a man who has shown up, by the way. Like really shown up. He knows me and he sees me and I know with everything I have he’s not trying to manipulate me. He’s been there in too many hard times, it would’ve been way easier to call it than stick around.
I have thought long and hard over the time apart about whether being a mistress is enough, and though it might not be in the future, for now I know this is what I want. It sounds so fucking stupid but watching Alyssa Liu at the Olympics to that Laufey song ‘it hurts to be something, it’s worse to be nothing with you’ was what did it. I sobbed at the tv.
But fuck it’s hard. I don’t know how I do it. I love him so much that I truly just want the best for him, I just want him to be happy, even if that without me. But man it is the loneliest, most isolating and difficult situation. My life is so much smaller than his, I spend so much time alone just due to some people’s lives changing, and not meeting the right people.
I don’t want to force a connection with someone else just to not be alone. I don’t want to be in an unhappy marriage because I tried to fill the loneliness, especially when I know I can feel like this about someone.
And I know it’s not limerance, trust me. I’ve had years of seeing this guys bullshit (he’s a man. They’re all a bit shit by default) to burst my bubble. I get mad at him plenty, I hold him accountable. I nearly cut him off. But some people are too important not to forgive.
So yeah, this might be a pointless post, I don’t need advice. I think I just needed to tell someone, I am overflowing with my feelings, and if not here then where? Hopefully someone feels less alone because of this.
And selfishly, hopefully one of those people is me.
