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Should I have stayed longer? (Dating for potential)
I need advice!I (F) ended things with my partner (M) of 8 months recently because there’s just too many things I wanted him to change to possess qualities I look for in a partner.
Example:
• Having good sense of time
• Being able to lead and take charge (directions, what we would need to take note of when travelling)
• Planning (he is the type to be last minute, not plan for dates, sometimes he is even prone to double booking his family and me)
• Driven (For context, I am a few years older than him and we are at different stages in life. We had agreed to go on a holiday together, with me covering 70% of the cost and him contributing the remaining 30%. I paid upfront, and we agreed that he would take on short part-time work alongside his full-time internship to gradually pay me back, while still being able to save most of his internship allowance since he is still young and building his financial base. However, he has not taken on any part-time work since then and has not paid me back his share, even though we have already broken up.)
However, why I’m unsure if I will regret the break up is because he would always promise me he would change. And he said there’s just too many things he needs to change so it’s not possible for him to get everything right immediately. Hence he said he needs time.
I keep struggling with the thought that if I had stayed longer, he would be able to change successfully to fulfil my needs (because at least he is aware and willing to change). However, each time he falls short, I get upset and would raise the issue up in an unkind tone and with blaming tendencies (I know it’s my fault, after reflecting post break up, I feel very bad about the way I raise issues up with him as well). And I made him feel inadequate as a boyfriend, hence he would react very defensively and aggressively everytime I bring up issues.
At the start, he would react very nicely to the way I bring up issues, acknowledging my feelings and saying how he will not make the issue happen again (but sometimes it still does repeat). Maybe it’s because I was calmer when I brought up issues at the start.
Anyway, we fell into this toxic cycle of arguing almost every week for the past 3 months because I kept getting upset when he doesn’t make the changes he promised, and he in turn gets upset because I kept raising issues and he said all he wanted was peace (conflict avoidant).
The breaking point came when he said “I already admitted to my mistakes. Move on. I don’t want problems. I am not in the mood to handle conflicts”. This was not the first time he told me to “move on” from the issue which made me feel very dismissed, hence I told him if he wanted peace so much I’ll give it to him (i.e breaking up).
I admit that I contributed to the toxicity of this relationship as well, as everytime when we argued I would cold war him while he would spam call me and I just wouldn’t pick up, which is probably why he’s tired of the constant arguments. And my tone in raising up issues also caused him to be defensive. Sometimes I would also get upset when I shouldn’t be (due to my anxious attachment) - e.g. when he spends time with his family over me.
Hence now that I recognised my mistakes, do you think I should reach out to him to see how we can work things out? Or we are not compatible because it will take time for him to fulfil I want in a partner (or maybe down the road he wouldn’t even be successful in changing) and it’s not worth to stay for the potential?
