Report: Mixed-Gender Suites Nothing But Depraved Dens of Sexual Promiscuity
Posted on February 10, 2017 by projectmocktant
mixedgender
YALE-NUS COLLEGE — Confirming the fears of conservative parents across Singapore, a report released by the Dean of Students Office yesterday revealed that the mixed-gender suites on campus were nothing but orgiastic hotbeds of unbridled premarital sex.
The sixty-page report, compiled by over-enthusiastic members of the Yale-NUS College Student Government, documented in detail the disgusting, ceaseless performance of uninhibited sexual congress in the eleven gender-neutral suites across campus. After careful analysis, the report revealed that the young men and women living in open housing were constantly unable to control their carnal desires due to their close proximity to the opposite sex, and could not help tearing off each other’s clothes whenever they had the chance.
The report concluded that, since the implementation of open living arrangements in August 2016, the licentious residents of mixed-gender suites “had been going at it non-stop like the dirty, primal beasts they [were]”.
Sources from the Yale-NUS Finance Department revealed that the unrestrained bacchanalian activity has had grave consequences for the institution’s budget. “The College is committed to ensuring that the debaucherous students have free access to contraception on campus,” stated one official who preferred to remain anonymous, “but supplying all those condoms to the perpetually-rutting youths has really taken a toll on the endowment.”
When approached for comment, Vice-President of Institutional Affairs Gerald Fairfax merely winked saucily at reporters and gave them a salacious thumbs-up.
Parents of students were naturally incensed by the report’s revelations that their children were in a perpetual state of Netflix and Chill. “Everyone knows that separation of the sexes is the best form of enforced abstinence,” angry Singaporean parent Chia Wei Ming told reporters. “If boys and girls live in different rooms, obviously it will be impossible for them to have these kinds of impious sexual relations.”
Outraged American parent Joe Campbell has threatened to withdraw his daughter from the College. “I am bringing her home immediately, to a place where there is no such culture of casual sex,” he declared, adding that “This kind of thing never happens at Yale.”
At press time, subscriptions for mixed-gender housing for 2018 have increased by 690%. logo
Posted on February 10, 2017 by projectmocktant
mixedgender
YALE-NUS COLLEGE — Confirming the fears of conservative parents across Singapore, a report released by the Dean of Students Office yesterday revealed that the mixed-gender suites on campus were nothing but orgiastic hotbeds of unbridled premarital sex.
The sixty-page report, compiled by over-enthusiastic members of the Yale-NUS College Student Government, documented in detail the disgusting, ceaseless performance of uninhibited sexual congress in the eleven gender-neutral suites across campus. After careful analysis, the report revealed that the young men and women living in open housing were constantly unable to control their carnal desires due to their close proximity to the opposite sex, and could not help tearing off each other’s clothes whenever they had the chance.
The report concluded that, since the implementation of open living arrangements in August 2016, the licentious residents of mixed-gender suites “had been going at it non-stop like the dirty, primal beasts they [were]”.
Sources from the Yale-NUS Finance Department revealed that the unrestrained bacchanalian activity has had grave consequences for the institution’s budget. “The College is committed to ensuring that the debaucherous students have free access to contraception on campus,” stated one official who preferred to remain anonymous, “but supplying all those condoms to the perpetually-rutting youths has really taken a toll on the endowment.”
When approached for comment, Vice-President of Institutional Affairs Gerald Fairfax merely winked saucily at reporters and gave them a salacious thumbs-up.
Parents of students were naturally incensed by the report’s revelations that their children were in a perpetual state of Netflix and Chill. “Everyone knows that separation of the sexes is the best form of enforced abstinence,” angry Singaporean parent Chia Wei Ming told reporters. “If boys and girls live in different rooms, obviously it will be impossible for them to have these kinds of impious sexual relations.”
Outraged American parent Joe Campbell has threatened to withdraw his daughter from the College. “I am bringing her home immediately, to a place where there is no such culture of casual sex,” he declared, adding that “This kind of thing never happens at Yale.”
At press time, subscriptions for mixed-gender housing for 2018 have increased by 690%. logo
