Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[yinyang]

3 cheers for mon blues :p

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic ,
fell into a river , all died .

Each husband cried for a week, one husband continued for more than two weeks !!!
When asked that did he miss his wife so much ?
he replied miserably :
No My wife missed the bus !!!
⛄

In heaven God told all husbands & wives to gather for a meeting!
He told the men to stand in two queues...
Those who are controlled by their wives & those who control their wives!

Only 1 man stood in d second Queue...

God said "So you control ur wife?"

Man: "R u CRAZY ???

My wife told me to stand here"...

Junior in office dialled his boss's extension by mistake & said:
Hey, send a coffee in my cabin in 2 min ☕

Boss Shouted: Do u know whom u r talking 2?
Jr : No!

Boss: I'm the BOSS
Jr (in same tone): do u know whom u r talking to?
Boss: No!

Jr : THANK GOD (& disconnected)

 

[yinyang]

 

[yinyang]

Buaya?

An old man owned a pond on his farm, lined with fruit trees.
One day he went there with a basket to get fruits.

On reaching, he found some young ladies swimming naked in the pond.

They went in deep water to shield themselves n said: We wont come out until u leave.
Old man: I'm not here to see u swim or to get u out of the pond. I'm here just to feed the Crocodile in the pond !
All the women rushed Out.

Moral: No matter the age,Men will be men....

 

[palden]

情人节马上就要到了，还没有人约我！晚上没事干，逛了好几家超市。趁人不注意，给几个巧克力盒子里面塞了张字条。内容是：我们分手吧！放完后走出超市，内心无比的平静与平衡…別问

 

[sirus]

Men's Pearls of Wisdom

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big d**k or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

18. Men have only two emotions, hungry and horny. If you ever see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

 

[yinyang]

Teach?

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. Then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. ? “Janie, do you have a story to share?”

‘Yes ma’am. My Daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

”Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story’?”

“Don’t F*ck with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

 

[sirus]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'


'Because you got an F in sex.'

 

[infra]

4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion.........

One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 said her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his nest friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he build his nest friend a castle.

No. 4 came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.

They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.

She said her son is a gay and he works in a Gay bar.

The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.

"Oh No!!!" said the lady, he is doing good.

"Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends....".

All the 3 ladies fainted....

 

[yinyang]

Science Class?

In a science class, 3 worms were placed into 3 separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke

The third worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol ---dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.

The 3rd worm in soil --- alive.!!

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment.?"

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said.

"As long as you drink and smoke , you won't have worms inside u.":
CHEERS!!!

 

[yinyang]

New Immigrant

An Iraqi arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to the Australia . It’s 11:00 AM on a Wednesday.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Free unemployment money, free medical care, and a free education!”

The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani.”

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia ..”

The person says, “I not Australian, I am Sri Lankin.”

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, “Thank you for wonderful Australian !

That person puts up his hand and says,
“I am from Middle East. I am not Australian.”

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an Australian?”

She says, “No, I am from Somalia, Africa ..”

Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Australians?”

The African lady checks her watch and says:

“Probably at work.”

 

[yinyang]

 

[yinyang]

Did you know Valentines Day originated from PUNJAB?

According to my Punjabi friend, when Punjabi men upset their wives, the women beat their husbands up with a velan (rolling pin used for making chapati).

This practice came to be known as velan time (beating time).

To escape the beatings, a Punjabi husband would give flowers, sweets and gifts to his wife.
After many years and language translations, it became known as valentines day around the world!

 

[sirus]

Dedicated to ALL grandfathers

To Dogs

 

[yinyang]

True Friend?

A true friend is like a penis, he stands up for you in times of need. A genuine friend is like a bra, she supports you at all times.

A faithful friend is like a condom , he protects you from all harm. A loving friend is like a vagina, she accomodates you fully despite the size of your problem. what kind of a friend are you to me? Penis, condom, bra or vagina friend?

Do u know that the penis is the greatest breakfast ever? According to doctors it has a mushroom head, a sausage body, two eggs and milk which provides nutrients. Thus making ladies healthy and full for 9 months. Besides it has 3 good manners too.

1. Its very courteous, it stands before it performs

2. It is very emotional, it weeps during performance 3. It is polite, it bows after performing.

Send to ladies 2 laugh and to men 2 make them happy and proud of themselves.
X rated ..

 

[yinyang]

New meaning to keyboard warrior? :p

 

[sirus]

What Men can say:

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will.
There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

My sex life is like a Ferrari…
I don’t have a Ferrari.

I heard a guy complaining about how expensive his wedding is.
He is going to be pissed when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost.

Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.

My mother-in-law’s coming….
I had to clear out half my closet so she could have a place to hang upside down and sleep.

NASA’s robot Curiosity landed on Mars.
Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer, or porn.
This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars.

I once won an argument with a woman…
In this dream I had.

I’m writing a book about reverse psychology.
Please don’t buy it.

I tried exercise, but I was allergic to it.
My skin flushed and my heart raced.
I got sweaty and short of breath.
Very dangerous.

My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.

I want one of those jobs where people ask,
“Do you actually get paid for doing this?”

If your wife or girlfriend ever asks, “If I was to arrange a 3some for your birthday,
Which of my friends would you pick to join in?”
Never give 2 names.

It is funny when my girlfriend gives me the “silent treatment.”
She thinks it is a punishment.

If there was way to read a woman’s mind, I am not sure I would want to.
I hate shoes, shopping, gossip and I already know I am annoying.

Whenever someone says to me, “You look familiar, where have I seen you before?”
I like to respond with, “Do you watch porn?”

Men have feelings too.
For example, we feel hungry.

Judging by the frying pan that flew by my head, I did something wrong.
I can’t wait to find out what it was.

 

[sirus]

10 Things You Need to Know About Money

MY KIDS WERE shocked when I told them that if they had been born in the Olden Days, they would have to hunt for their food. “But we don’t even know where burgers live,” said one.

“They live in caves,” I explained. “In America. And they have CLAWS.”

***

To teach children that everything has a cost in money or effort, I share cash-related stories from the newspaper with them.

Recent example: A sneaky jeweler who wanted to hide his sales from the taxman sold jewelry worth six million euros (HK$53 million) for cash.

The buyers took the jewelry and left him with a suitcase full of Monopoly money.

But The kids couldn’t see the problem.

A suitcase full of Monopoly money had to be WAY better than boring bits of jewelry, they said.

The guy would win every Monopoly game he played for the rest of his life!!!

Good point.

***

I bought that particular board game after seeing an article on Investopedia on life lessons you can learn from Monopoly, such as “be patient,” etc.

Like most articles on the internet (this page excluded), it was garbage from beginning to end.

***
Monopoly teaches you five things.

Be a vicious, merciless landlord.
If you get the card which says “Bank error in your favor,” forget ethics, keep the money.
Only pay income tax if forced to.
Business people end up in jail sometimes, no big deal.
The ultimate purpose of life is to bankrupt everyone else and end up with all the cash.
Who created this game? Li Ka- shing?

Nobody on Earth would accept these as good life lessons, except perhaps for everyone in Hong Kong, the mainland, United States, Europe, Russia, etc.

***
But looking for educational finance items often leaves me more baffled than the kids.

Consider these two.

***

One: A New York dealer in modern art pleaded guilty to selling worthless items for millions of dollars.

That’s illegal now???

I thought that was the normal business model for modern art.

***
Two: A businessman set up a fake university in Hong Kong which handed out study-free honorary degrees if you just gave them money.

Wait. That’s what REAL universities do too.

***
Most individuals have their own philosophies of money.

Here are five examples:

***

1. My boss: “You cannot buy respect. Not with your salary, anyway.”

***
2. My boss’s wife: “Money doesn’t matter. As long as you’re rich.”

***

3. My daughters: “Dad, we know money can’t buy happiness, so that’s why we went shopping and spent it all.”

***
4. My son: “Money can’t buy love but it can buy the important things in life: video games, black T-shirts and burgers.”

***

5. My wife: “Money is made of paper, right? So, technically, it grows on trees.”

***

All this thinking about the philosophy of cash left me with a practical plan for the future.

Everyone agrees that love is worth more than money, right?

At the end of this month, I am going to give my landlord a hug.

by Nury Vittachi

http://www.asiasentinel.com/blog/ten-things-need-know-money/

 

[yinyang]

Chinese Philosophy❗

沒錢的時候，養豬；
有錢的時候，養狗。
When you don't have money, rear pigs;
When you have money, rear dogs.

沒錢的時候，在家裡吃野菜；
有錢的時候，在酒店吃野菜。
When you have no money, eat wild vegetables at home ; When you have money, eat wild vegetables in restaurants.

沒錢的時候，在馬路上騎自行車；
有錢的時候，在客廳裡騎自行車。
When you have no money, ride bicycle;
When you have money, ride exercise machine.

沒錢的時候,想結婚；
有錢的時候,想離婚。
When you have no money, you wish to get married; When you have money, you wish to get divorced.

沒錢的時候,老婆兼秘書；
有錢的時候,秘書兼老婆。
When you have no money, wife becomes secretary; When you have money, secretary becomes wife.

沒錢的時候,假裝有錢；
有錢的時候,假裝沒錢。
When you have no money, act like a rich man; When you have money, act like a poor man.

人 啊，都不講實話：
Man, O Man, never tells the truth:

說股票是毒品，都在玩；
說金錢是罪惡，都在撈；
Says share market is bad but still speculates in it; Says money is evil but still keeps accumulating it.

說美女是禍水，都想要；
說高處不勝寒，都在爬；
Says women are trouble-makers but keeps desiring them; Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them.

說煙酒傷身體，就不戒；
說天堂最美好，都不去!!!
Says smoking & drinking is bad but keeps partaking; Says heaven is good but refuses to go.

鄉下早晨雞叫人，
城裡晚上人叫雞；
In the rural area, chickens wake up men in the morning; In the cities, men call for chickens.

舊社會戲子賣藝不賣身，
新社會演員賣身不賣藝。
In the past, famous actresses sell their artistic talents but not their bodies; Now, actresses sell their bodies but not their artistic talents

人生是什麼?
What is life about?

1 歲時出場亮相
At one, YOU are the top priority

10 歲時功課至上
At ten, academic excellence is the top priority

20 歲時春心盪漾
At twenty, dating is the top priority

30 歲時職場對抗
At thirty, a good career is the top priority

40 歲時身材發胖
At forty, keeping your body in shape is top priority

50 歲時打打麻將
At fifty, beating others at mahjong is top priority

60 歲時老當益壯
At sixty, staying virile is top priority

70 歲時常常健忘
At seventy, remembering something is top priority

80 歲時搖搖晃晃
At eighty, moving around is top priority

90 歲時迷失方向
At ninety, knowing directions is top priority

100 歲時掛在牆上
At 100, having your portrait on the wall is top priority!

祝大家愉快，好好做人!
Wishing you all happiness! Be good!

 

[yinyang]

Doc or PM at work? Topical these days here in Sg?

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The Malaysian doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Four years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him Prime Minister. Now, the whole country is looking for work!

 

[sirus]

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