Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

[8868]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said,

"We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said,

"Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said,

"Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

 

[yinyang]

Good sun morning all. Some wine funnies (after some reds last evening..:p)

 

[8868]

Glad to be drunk...

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

 

[8868]

Impossible to Please....

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

 

[8868]

New Lawyer.....

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."

 

[yinyang]

Pics say it all:p

Monkey see, monkey do

back scrub or doggie??

 

[8868]

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

 

[8868]

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.

He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her
knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking
and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice,
"Well, just what are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money
just looking."

 

[8868]

VIBRATOR

A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator.

The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way."

The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator!"




CONDOMS

There was a lady who worked in an all night drugstore.

On a Friday she started working at about 8 pm so she would be
there all night.

At about 11 p.m. a mature man comes in and asks for some condoms.

The clerk asks "What size will you be needing?"

The man says, "Size? Guess it's been a while -- hell I don't know"

Clerk says, "Well whip it out on the counter here and let's take a
look."

So the man whips it out on the counter -- the clerk gives it a few
strokes -- then over the intercom the clerk announces, "size medium
condoms to aisle 6."

The man pays for his purchase and he is off.

Around midnight another gentleman comes in and he is also wanting
condoms. The clerk asks him, "Well what size will you be needing?"

The gentleman says "Actually I have never purchased any before -- I
have no idea."

The clerk says, "Well whip it out on the counter here and let's take
a look."

So the gentleman whips it out on the counter, the clerk gives it a few
rubs, and announces over the intercom -- "Size large condoms to aisle 6."

The gentleman pays for his purchase and leaves.

A little later on a young fella about 17 comes in and very shy-like
asks for some condoms. The clerk asks him "Well what size are you
needing sonny?"

Of course the boy is quite embarrassed and blurts out "Oh my God -- size???"

The clerk says, "Whip it out on the counter here sonny and we will take a look."

Shy but willing -- the boy whips it out on the counter -- the clerk gives it a
few rubs and then announces on the intercom, "Clean up on aisle 6."

 

[8868]

GRANDPA'S VIAGRA

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law.

Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he
could have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very
strong and expensive."

Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they??"

His son replied, "$10 each."

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank.
He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I
told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!"

Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"

 

[erection2015]

Comment in London newspaper:

“I can't understand all the fuss about the Olympic 100 metres final. It's just like any other Saturday night in London:
You hear a gun shot, then 8 black guys start running”

 

[erection2015]

An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses.

He said no, but he had once told a donkey to fuck off.

 

[8868]

A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing you say that."

 

[8868]

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked them.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," said the lawyer.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children," the second man answered.
"Bring them as well."
They all climbed into the limousine - no easy task - and one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
"No problem," said the lawyer, "The grass in my yard is about two feet tall."

 

[8868]

The old man was critically ill. He called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer," he said. "How much for a quickie law degree?"
"About $50,000," the lawyer said, "But why bother?"
"That's my business. Get me the course."
Four days later the lawyer delivered the new law degree. Suddenly the old man was wracked with fits of coughing, and it was clear the end was near.
"Please, before it's too late," said the lawyer, "Tell me why you wanted a law degree now?"
As he breathed his last , the old man whispered, "One less lawyer."

 

[yinyang]

TGIF:p

At Boat Quay one wet evening

Having already downed a few drinks, a young lady turns around, faces the man next to her, who happens to be Kevin Faulkner, looks him straight in the eye and says:

"Listen here, good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide open with interest, he responds:

"No kidding, I'm a banker too!* Which bank are you with?"

 

[yinyang]

Tgif 2

Salary rise?

Thanks for the memories

problems with shoe apartment, another perspective?:p

 

[yinyang]

Re: Tgif

Question...:p

An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half an ounce of Scotch than to forget where you keep the bottle!!"

 

[erection2015]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk.
"Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

 

[yinyang]

Re: Tgif

Still the best humour in the world.

British humour-ABSOLUTELY POLITICALLY INCORRECT


Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
========================================

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".

=======================================
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
=======================================

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
=======================================

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor
balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, " What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
=======================================

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that
rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his
climbing.

"No my son.....I am God.. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"