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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
Butch Megan Rapinoe Quits Soccer After Comedian Makes Fun of Her
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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
Lobster Tails
A man was driving through town with his windows down when he heard a man at a small roadside stand yelling, "Lobster tails! Get your lobster tails here only two dollars!"
The man hit his brakes and pulled over. He walked up to the salesman thinking this must be too good to be true.
"Are you really only charging two dollars for lobster tails?"
"Yessir! Whaddya looking for, a long one or a short one? Both only two bucks."
"How about the longest one you got!"
The man handed the salesman two 1 dollar bills. The salesman thanked him and instructed him to sit in a nearby chair as he knelt down under the counter. The man thought that was strange, but complied, happily awaiting his lobster tail.
After a minute, the salesman popped up from under the counter with a large book. He opened the book to the front page, cleared his throat, and began to read :
"Once upon a time, there was a lobster..."
A man was driving through town with his windows down when he heard a man at a small roadside stand yelling, "Lobster tails! Get your lobster tails here only two dollars!"
The man hit his brakes and pulled over. He walked up to the salesman thinking this must be too good to be true.
"Are you really only charging two dollars for lobster tails?"
"Yessir! Whaddya looking for, a long one or a short one? Both only two bucks."
"How about the longest one you got!"
The man handed the salesman two 1 dollar bills. The salesman thanked him and instructed him to sit in a nearby chair as he knelt down under the counter. The man thought that was strange, but complied, happily awaiting his lobster tail.
After a minute, the salesman popped up from under the counter with a large book. He opened the book to the front page, cleared his throat, and began to read :
"Once upon a time, there was a lobster..."
Missing Wife
Husband: My wife is missing. She went mountain biking yesterday and has not come home!
Officer: Age?
Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 25 and 35. We don't do birthdays.
Officer: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
OFFICER : Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
OFFICER : Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think.
OFFICER : Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
OFFICER : What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
OFFICER : What kind of bike is she riding?
Husband: She took my bike
OFFICER : What kind of bike was it?
Husband : A 2020, manufactured September 16th, pearl white custom built hardcore titanium sklar hardtail .with 64.5° HeadTube angle, and a reach of 490.. Shimano XTR m9100 drive train,12 speed ,10 -51 cassette, hope tech 3 E4 brakes with hope floating roaters, fox transfer factory dropper post with wolf-tooth lever, race Face atlas stem and the race Face atlas 35 riser bar w/800mm, DMR death grip, ergon SM enduro saddle, Crankbrothers synthesis E11 carbon 27.5 wheel set with maxxis DHF 2.6 tire in front and maxxis recon 2.6 in the rear. Industry 9 Hydra classic CL hubs , and race Face Chester pedals. A rockshox lyric RC2 150mm fork. At this point חן the husband started choking up.
OFFICER: Take it easy sir, We'll find your bike
Husband: My wife is missing. She went mountain biking yesterday and has not come home!
Officer: Age?
Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 25 and 35. We don't do birthdays.
Officer: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
OFFICER : Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
OFFICER : Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think.
OFFICER : Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
OFFICER : What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
OFFICER : What kind of bike is she riding?
Husband: She took my bike
OFFICER : What kind of bike was it?
Husband : A 2020, manufactured September 16th, pearl white custom built hardcore titanium sklar hardtail .with 64.5° HeadTube angle, and a reach of 490.. Shimano XTR m9100 drive train,12 speed ,10 -51 cassette, hope tech 3 E4 brakes with hope floating roaters, fox transfer factory dropper post with wolf-tooth lever, race Face atlas stem and the race Face atlas 35 riser bar w/800mm, DMR death grip, ergon SM enduro saddle, Crankbrothers synthesis E11 carbon 27.5 wheel set with maxxis DHF 2.6 tire in front and maxxis recon 2.6 in the rear. Industry 9 Hydra classic CL hubs , and race Face Chester pedals. A rockshox lyric RC2 150mm fork. At this point חן the husband started choking up.
OFFICER: Take it easy sir, We'll find your bike
Lough is a great medicine but not when it comes to pain or heartburn for example.
In those cases i prefer to have pills , which i regularly order from Canadian Pharmacy and get a relief in a couple of minutes only.
But of course life with lots of lough and joy makes the quality of man's life much better. And positive people probably live longer too.
In those cases i prefer to have pills , which i regularly order from Canadian Pharmacy and get a relief in a couple of minutes only.
But of course life with lots of lough and joy makes the quality of man's life much better. And positive people probably live longer too.
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Long....
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
Long
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
Long
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
A Jewish father sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.
When the son returned, he said, “Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.”
“What have I done!” said the father,
He took his problem to his best friend Joseph and he said, “I sent my son, Noah, to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?”
“Funny you should ask,” said Joseph. “I, also, sent my son, Abraham, to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the Rabbi.”
They explained their problem to the Rabbi. “Funny you should ask,” said the rabbi. “I, too sent my son, Adam, to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?”
They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens: “Funny you should ask,” said the voice, “I, too, sent my son, Jesus, to Israel…”
When the son returned, he said, “Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.”
“What have I done!” said the father,
He took his problem to his best friend Joseph and he said, “I sent my son, Noah, to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?”
“Funny you should ask,” said Joseph. “I, also, sent my son, Abraham, to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the Rabbi.”
They explained their problem to the Rabbi. “Funny you should ask,” said the rabbi. “I, too sent my son, Adam, to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?”
They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens: “Funny you should ask,” said the voice, “I, too, sent my son, Jesus, to Israel…”
The Geography of a Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business .
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
Add PS: If after 80s, like Siberia... nobody wants go there!
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business .
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
Add PS: If after 80s, like Siberia... nobody wants go there!
Chemical Analysis of a Woman
Subject: 'WOMAN' : A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION BULLETIN
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET NO. EC36C-24-36
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.6 kg, may vary from 40-200kg
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas
Physical properties:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points
Chemical properties:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
Common uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent
Tests:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
Potential hazards:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different
locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other
WARNING:
PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE
Subject: 'WOMAN' : A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION BULLETIN
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET NO. EC36C-24-36
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.6 kg, may vary from 40-200kg
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas
Physical properties:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points
Chemical properties:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
Common uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent
Tests:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
Potential hazards:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different
locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other
WARNING:
PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE
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An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.
They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”
After a short pause, she replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
“No. I’m Swedish.”
They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”
After a short pause, she replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
“No. I’m Swedish.”
Mother superior is sitting in the convent one night when she hears a knock at the door. She looks out the peephole, and, seeing no-one, very cautiously opens the door. She's stunned to find 2 leprechauns standing meekly, hats in hand, on the steps of the nunnery.
"My sons! How can I help you this fine evening?"
"Well mother, have you any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"
"I'm sorry my son, we've no leprechaun nuns here."
"Well mother, do you know of any leprechaun nuns anywhere?"
"No my son, I don't know of any in all Ireland, and if there's none here then there can't be any leprechaun nuns in the whole church!"
At this the first leprechaun whips around, jabbing his finger at his companion: "Ah TOL' ye you'd been fuckin' a penguin!"
"My sons! How can I help you this fine evening?"
"Well mother, have you any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"
"I'm sorry my son, we've no leprechaun nuns here."
"Well mother, do you know of any leprechaun nuns anywhere?"
"No my son, I don't know of any in all Ireland, and if there's none here then there can't be any leprechaun nuns in the whole church!"
At this the first leprechaun whips around, jabbing his finger at his companion: "Ah TOL' ye you'd been fuckin' a penguin!"
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