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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

Fook Seng

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So, in conclusion, the best way to keep American money on American soil:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.
*

Haha. But are prostitutes taxed in US?
 
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Fook Seng

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Asset
Search me. Unsure if they get any personal reliefs or rebates:p

A tricky question really. How to compute the tax for someone who enjoys her work which another person would even pay money for it? Another thing, do they issue receipts? Otherwise how to track income?
 
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DerekDuhh

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Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
 

DerekDuhh

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Wife is a HARIMAU ¡*¡*¡*¡*¡* GIRLFRIEND is HARI HARI MAHU

And some say :
Wife is like TV, girlfriend is like Handphone (HP)
At home watch TV, go out bring HP.
No money, sell TV. Got money change HP.
Sometimes enjoy TV, but most of the time play with HP.
TV free for life but HP, if you don't pay the services will be
terminated
TV is big, bulky and most of the time old, but handphone is cute,
slim, curvy and very portable at any time.
Operational cost for TV is often acceptable but for HP is high and
often demanding,
Most Important, TV got remote.. HP don't have..
Last but not least.......
TV do not have virus, but HP Yes..........have VIRUS.............
once get it, HABIS LA. ..... hahahahaha......
so better choose TV..........
 

DerekDuhh

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Guido, the Italian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.



After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'



She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'



Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.



The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?'



Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No.'



Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'



Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,
'No, I Norwegian'.
 

DerekDuhh

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Loyal

Rubber Gloves


A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.


But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the
procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies!
Their minds are always working!
 

DerekDuhh

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RISQUÉ RIDDLES
Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an org*sm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.


Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe s*x?
A.. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and ' aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes..

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!
 

DerekDuhh

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Martian style

The year is 2999 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating

enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how

they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.



The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."



A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for

the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off

to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member

about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.





"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.



"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"



"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"



"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite

impressively long.



"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."



"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his

member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely

exciting to the woman.



"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate

love.



The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their

separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"



"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about

you?"



"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache . She kept

slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
 

DerekDuhh

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Subject: A woman scanned the guests at a party

A woman scanned the guests at a party
and spotted an attractive man, standing alone.
She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
That's a beautiful name,' he replied,

Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself.
It reflects the things I like
most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'Bob Titsenbeer'
 

DerekDuhh

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a bike with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he
thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"
 

DerekDuhh

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Loyal

Two fleas



Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. One flea gets to Miami and he's all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death! The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from Detroit in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you're there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. You'll be in Miami in no time. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.

A year goes by when the first flea shows up in Miami. He is all blue and shivering and shaking again. Damn near frozen to death. The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley!"
 

DerekDuhh

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Loyal
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, when he did pass away, the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, "Do you think this is far enough out, Paddy?"

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

"This'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do you think this is far enough out, Paddy?"

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this'll never do." The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enough yet, Paddy?"

"Aye it is, hand me the shovel"!!

YOU GOTTA LOVE THE IRISH
 

DerekDuhh

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Loyal
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'
 

DerekDuhh

Alfrescian
Loyal
An architect, an artist and a mathematician were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there.

The mathematician said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Mathematician: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go
to your computer and get some real work done."
 

DerekDuhh

Alfrescian
Loyal
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman
and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and
discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to
go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed
to the river to his fishing boat and started out on
their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and
pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what
had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.!

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady, 'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown.'
 

DerekDuhh

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Loyal
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
 
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