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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
Awarded as Best Joke
>
> A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
>
> As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
>
> Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."
>
> The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".
>
> "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
>
> In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
>
> Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
>
> The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
>
>
> (This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain)
>
>
> A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.
>
> As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
>
> Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."
>
> The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".
>
> "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
>
> In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
>
> Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
>
> The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
>
>
> (This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain)
>
Houdini?
A couple have just had sex. The woman says, ‘If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?’ The man takes off his condom, ties a knot in it, and flushes it down the toilet. ‘Well,’ he says. ‘If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.’
--------------------------
Arab sex
Classic one....
Name? Abdul Aziz. Sex? Three to five times a day. No, no...I mean male or female? Yes, male, female, sometimes camel. Holy cow! Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general. But isn't that hostile? Horse style, doggy style, any style! Oh dear! No, no! Deer run too fast...
A couple have just had sex. The woman says, ‘If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?’ The man takes off his condom, ties a knot in it, and flushes it down the toilet. ‘Well,’ he says. ‘If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.’
--------------------------
Arab sex
Classic one....
Name? Abdul Aziz. Sex? Three to five times a day. No, no...I mean male or female? Yes, male, female, sometimes camel. Holy cow! Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general. But isn't that hostile? Horse style, doggy style, any style! Oh dear! No, no! Deer run too fast...
Penis Tax
The Prime Minister announced today that the GST would definitely apply to the penis because it provides a service.
The way the tax will apply was difficult to decide. This was due to the fact 40 percent of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30 percent of the time it is hard up, 20 percent of the time it is pissed off and 10 percent of the time it is in a hole.
On top of that is has two dependents and they are both nuts. Effective from July, 2015, a penis will be taxed according to size.
The Taxpayers Association is still awaiting clarification on a number of questions raised on this new tax, including:
Are there penalties for early withdrawal? What if one’s penis is self employed?
Do multiple partners count as corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?
The Prime Minister announced today that the GST would definitely apply to the penis because it provides a service.
The way the tax will apply was difficult to decide. This was due to the fact 40 percent of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30 percent of the time it is hard up, 20 percent of the time it is pissed off and 10 percent of the time it is in a hole.
On top of that is has two dependents and they are both nuts. Effective from July, 2015, a penis will be taxed according to size.
The Taxpayers Association is still awaiting clarification on a number of questions raised on this new tax, including:
Are there penalties for early withdrawal? What if one’s penis is self employed?
Do multiple partners count as corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?
Hard day's night :p
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."
Thailand special
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."
For intellectuals amongst us 
For the intellectuals among us
>
> A Retired Man's Perspective ( Most of you will agree to no 5 )
>
> 1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just
> saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work
> itself out.
>
> 2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the
> way much faster now.
>
> 3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they
> are holding a gun, she's probably very cross.
>
> 4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they
> drink like their fathers.
>
> 5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like
> someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
>
> 6. I don't like making plans for the day....because then the word
> "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
>
> 7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,508 days in a row.
>
> 8. I decided to change calling the bathroom "the John" and renamed it
> "the Jim". I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this
> morning".
>
> 9. Dear paranoid people, who check behind shower curtains for
> murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
>
> 10. Politicians should have two terms - one in office and the other in prison
>>
> Just remember Einstein's comment:
>
> "There is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity;
> intelligence has its limits."
For the intellectuals among us
>
> A Retired Man's Perspective ( Most of you will agree to no 5 )
>
> 1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just
> saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work
> itself out.
>
> 2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the
> way much faster now.
>
> 3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they
> are holding a gun, she's probably very cross.
>
> 4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they
> drink like their fathers.
>
> 5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like
> someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
>
> 6. I don't like making plans for the day....because then the word
> "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
>
> 7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,508 days in a row.
>
> 8. I decided to change calling the bathroom "the John" and renamed it
> "the Jim". I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this
> morning".
>
> 9. Dear paranoid people, who check behind shower curtains for
> murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
>
> 10. Politicians should have two terms - one in office and the other in prison
>>
> Just remember Einstein's comment:
>
> "There is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity;
> intelligence has its limits."
Brain teaser this afternoon.. only PSLE grads can pass
Job interview
A man was told to solve a question in a job interview. His answer is genius;
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. I love this. I might actually use it sometime for an interview situation.
He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”
Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”
Job interview
A man was told to solve a question in a job interview. His answer is genius;
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. I love this. I might actually use it sometime for an interview situation.
He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”
Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”
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