http://www.divaasia.com/article/6893
Mon, Jan 11, 2010
The New Paper
My miscarriage, abortion and cheating boyfriend
by Benson Ang
WHEN she was 18, her boyfriend slept with her friend, and then her sister.
Yet she forgave him.
He then made her pregnant – twice.
She miscarried the first child and aborted the second.
But rather than hide these unpleasant details of her past, Ms Kasandra Kong, now 22, is sharing it with the world – in a book complete with her photograph in every chapter.
Why bare her soul in a book?
She hopes other women can learn from her mistakes and realise that they have a choice in how they shape their lives.
“They should be cautious,” she said. “They should pick the right kind of guy they are looking for in their lives.”
The book, which she calls a biography, is titled This Is My Story .
It has been on Singapore’s Sunday Times bestseller list since its launch two months ago.
It is available at MPH bookshops and has sold about 3,000 copies so far.
In the book, she claimed that she discovered on Christmas Eve 2005 that her boyfriend, now in his mid-20s, had sex with her friend.
Ms Kong was then 18 and he was 22.
When he admitted to it, she forgave him “out of love”.
Eleven months later, she alleged in her book, her boyfriend had sex with her sister, three years younger than her.
Ms Kong wrote in the book: “The sister I trusted... The man I loved deeply and believed in... Just picturing them together was a million stabs into my heart.”
She rushed home and swallowed 20 Panadols.
Fortunately, her sister and a colleague arrived in time to take her to the hospital.
Still, she pretended nothing happened, and even moved in with the man.
Tears of joy
She discovered she was pregnant two months later, and cried tears of joy.
When she told him, he was silent.
He told her to pick a date to go to the Registry of Marriages. But he did not show up on the day. He claimed his boss would not approve his leave.
Ms Kong wrote in the book that when she was pregnant, he would return home late, and drink and gamble outside.
They were then living together with his parents. Her calls to him always ended with him finding her annoying. He rarely responded to her messages.
Then she had a miscarriage.
At first, she felt cramps, which became so painful she could not get out of bed. She was also bleeding. At a clinic, a doctor did an ultrasound but did not say anything.
Ms Kong wrote in the book: “I feared the worst... The doctor need not say it; I already knew – the heartbeat of my baby was gone.”
In the book, the doctor was quoted as saying the miscarriage could have been due to stress, a weak womb, her health or the baby’s health.
That night, when she sat on the toilet during her cramps, blood flowed. She felt a lump.
She wrote in the book: “(It was) Something similar to a wad of (soaked) cotton wool... I thought it was a blood clot.”
But when she looked closer, she realised it was her baby floating motionlessly and lifelessly in the toilet bowl.
“I saw his or her limbs. It looked like a stick person but I was sure it was my baby... My unborn baby!
“Was I supposed to pick it up and give it to the doctor or something...? My mind was a complete blank...”
She called her mother, who flushed the foetus down the toilet. This could not be verified with Ms Kong’s mother.
“I spun around facing the wall, eyes shut, hands above my chest, clasping my clothes,” wrote Ms Kong.
“A shot of heart-wrenching pain attacked me once again... The thought of my baby, dead and flushed... I really can’t say more...”
After the incident, the man’s mother told Ms Kong that if she wanted to get married, she should find a man who loved her.
But Ms Kong returned to her boyfriend.
And when he made her pregnant again within a year, she got an abortion.
She said: “(My boyfriend) and I definitely can’t afford to raise a child, especially studying... how things have turned out for us.
“Call me selfish... but... I just want the best for my child.”
She broke up with the man in June 2007 and, at the end of that year, decided to pick up the pieces.
She went on a diet, started a skin care routine, and took up yoga.
She also became an artiste and talent with AMDG Singapore, which now manages and represents her.
She acted in the sitcoms Sayang Sayang, and The Yang Sisters 2: Yang Obsession.
But just as her life was getting back on track, Ms Kong noticed her youngest sister, then 18, going through the same issues when she took the pills after a fight with her boyfriend on Valentine’s Day 2008.
Ms Kong wrote: “At that instant, the flashback of that particular memory of mine two years back came rushing forth.
“Suddenly, it dawned on me (that) I must publish this book, to tell my story... so my little sis could digest what I’ve been through myself as she flips through the pages... chapter by chapter... word for word...”
Persevered
Ms Kong told The New Paper that she persevered through the 11/2 years it took to complete the book for her sister.
After its launch, she said her parents gave her positive reviews.
Her former boyfriend did not contact her.
The sister, who she claimed slept with her boyfriend, is not talking to her.
Ms Kong said: “I hope she can understand that my book is aimed at helping other girls out there, not at exposing her.”
Ms Kong claimed that she used real first names and events in the book. Her mentor and manager, Ms Rena Shi, claimed that everything in the book is true.
Ms Kong credited her turnaround especially to her “grand mentor”, Mr Eric See, casting director and producer of AMDG Singapore.
She said she is no longer angry with her ex-boyfriend and has moved on. She now lives with her mother and sisters.
Ms Kong said: “When I was with (her boyfriend), I always thought that as long as he loved me, there was nothing else to consider. But I was wrong.”
She said she has learnt to see things as they are, and not as they should be.
On the back of the book, Ms Kong said its purpose is to tell girls to “protect yourself from guys who just want to have sex with you”.
But Ms Kong said she is no man-hater, and is still open to a relationship.
She is not seeing anyone now.
Ms Kong’s book was released in May last year as an e-book. An investor unknown to her spent a five-figure sum to publish it.
According to Mr Matthias Low, merchandising manager for MPH bookstores, the book has been well-received by yuppies, parents and people who are curious about Ms Kong’s life.
Dr Carol Balhetchet, director of youth services at the Singapore Children's Society, said that writing is one form of achieving closure to past trauma. She said: “The more you share, the lighter your load is.”
This article was first published in The New Paper.
Mon, Jan 11, 2010
The New Paper
My miscarriage, abortion and cheating boyfriend
by Benson Ang
WHEN she was 18, her boyfriend slept with her friend, and then her sister.
Yet she forgave him.
He then made her pregnant – twice.
She miscarried the first child and aborted the second.
But rather than hide these unpleasant details of her past, Ms Kasandra Kong, now 22, is sharing it with the world – in a book complete with her photograph in every chapter.
Why bare her soul in a book?
She hopes other women can learn from her mistakes and realise that they have a choice in how they shape their lives.
“They should be cautious,” she said. “They should pick the right kind of guy they are looking for in their lives.”
The book, which she calls a biography, is titled This Is My Story .
It has been on Singapore’s Sunday Times bestseller list since its launch two months ago.
It is available at MPH bookshops and has sold about 3,000 copies so far.
In the book, she claimed that she discovered on Christmas Eve 2005 that her boyfriend, now in his mid-20s, had sex with her friend.
Ms Kong was then 18 and he was 22.
When he admitted to it, she forgave him “out of love”.
Eleven months later, she alleged in her book, her boyfriend had sex with her sister, three years younger than her.
Ms Kong wrote in the book: “The sister I trusted... The man I loved deeply and believed in... Just picturing them together was a million stabs into my heart.”
She rushed home and swallowed 20 Panadols.
Fortunately, her sister and a colleague arrived in time to take her to the hospital.
Still, she pretended nothing happened, and even moved in with the man.
Tears of joy
She discovered she was pregnant two months later, and cried tears of joy.
When she told him, he was silent.
He told her to pick a date to go to the Registry of Marriages. But he did not show up on the day. He claimed his boss would not approve his leave.
Ms Kong wrote in the book that when she was pregnant, he would return home late, and drink and gamble outside.
They were then living together with his parents. Her calls to him always ended with him finding her annoying. He rarely responded to her messages.
Then she had a miscarriage.
At first, she felt cramps, which became so painful she could not get out of bed. She was also bleeding. At a clinic, a doctor did an ultrasound but did not say anything.
Ms Kong wrote in the book: “I feared the worst... The doctor need not say it; I already knew – the heartbeat of my baby was gone.”
In the book, the doctor was quoted as saying the miscarriage could have been due to stress, a weak womb, her health or the baby’s health.
That night, when she sat on the toilet during her cramps, blood flowed. She felt a lump.
She wrote in the book: “(It was) Something similar to a wad of (soaked) cotton wool... I thought it was a blood clot.”
But when she looked closer, she realised it was her baby floating motionlessly and lifelessly in the toilet bowl.
“I saw his or her limbs. It looked like a stick person but I was sure it was my baby... My unborn baby!
“Was I supposed to pick it up and give it to the doctor or something...? My mind was a complete blank...”
She called her mother, who flushed the foetus down the toilet. This could not be verified with Ms Kong’s mother.
“I spun around facing the wall, eyes shut, hands above my chest, clasping my clothes,” wrote Ms Kong.
“A shot of heart-wrenching pain attacked me once again... The thought of my baby, dead and flushed... I really can’t say more...”
After the incident, the man’s mother told Ms Kong that if she wanted to get married, she should find a man who loved her.
But Ms Kong returned to her boyfriend.
And when he made her pregnant again within a year, she got an abortion.
She said: “(My boyfriend) and I definitely can’t afford to raise a child, especially studying... how things have turned out for us.
“Call me selfish... but... I just want the best for my child.”
She broke up with the man in June 2007 and, at the end of that year, decided to pick up the pieces.
She went on a diet, started a skin care routine, and took up yoga.
She also became an artiste and talent with AMDG Singapore, which now manages and represents her.
She acted in the sitcoms Sayang Sayang, and The Yang Sisters 2: Yang Obsession.
But just as her life was getting back on track, Ms Kong noticed her youngest sister, then 18, going through the same issues when she took the pills after a fight with her boyfriend on Valentine’s Day 2008.
Ms Kong wrote: “At that instant, the flashback of that particular memory of mine two years back came rushing forth.
“Suddenly, it dawned on me (that) I must publish this book, to tell my story... so my little sis could digest what I’ve been through myself as she flips through the pages... chapter by chapter... word for word...”
Persevered
Ms Kong told The New Paper that she persevered through the 11/2 years it took to complete the book for her sister.
After its launch, she said her parents gave her positive reviews.
Her former boyfriend did not contact her.
The sister, who she claimed slept with her boyfriend, is not talking to her.
Ms Kong said: “I hope she can understand that my book is aimed at helping other girls out there, not at exposing her.”
Ms Kong claimed that she used real first names and events in the book. Her mentor and manager, Ms Rena Shi, claimed that everything in the book is true.
Ms Kong credited her turnaround especially to her “grand mentor”, Mr Eric See, casting director and producer of AMDG Singapore.
She said she is no longer angry with her ex-boyfriend and has moved on. She now lives with her mother and sisters.
Ms Kong said: “When I was with (her boyfriend), I always thought that as long as he loved me, there was nothing else to consider. But I was wrong.”
She said she has learnt to see things as they are, and not as they should be.
On the back of the book, Ms Kong said its purpose is to tell girls to “protect yourself from guys who just want to have sex with you”.
But Ms Kong said she is no man-hater, and is still open to a relationship.
She is not seeing anyone now.
Ms Kong’s book was released in May last year as an e-book. An investor unknown to her spent a five-figure sum to publish it.
According to Mr Matthias Low, merchandising manager for MPH bookstores, the book has been well-received by yuppies, parents and people who are curious about Ms Kong’s life.
Dr Carol Balhetchet, director of youth services at the Singapore Children's Society, said that writing is one form of achieving closure to past trauma. She said: “The more you share, the lighter your load is.”
This article was first published in The New Paper.
