horrible passages from the bible

[fishbuff]

Scary Bible Quotes
By God
Edited with an introduction by Michael Huemer.
Translation: New International Version.



On Punishing ‘Immorality’

Leviticus 20:9
If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death.
20:10 If a man commits adultery with another man’s wife—with the wife of his neighbor—both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death.
20:13 If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death.
Deuteronomy 22:20-1 If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl’s virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father’s house.

Exodus 35:2
For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a Sabbath of rest to the LORD. Whoever does any work on it must be put to death.

On Destroying Other People
Deuteronomy 7:1-2 When the Lord your God brings you into the land you are entering to possess and drives out before you many nations . . . then you must destroy them totally. Make no treaty with them, and show them no mercy.
20:10-17 When you march up to attack a city, make its people an offer of peace. If they accept and open their gates, all the people in it shall be subject to forced labor and shall work for you. If they refuse to make peace and they engage you in battle, lay siege to that city. When the Lord your God delivers it into your hand, put to the sword all the men in it. As for the women, the children, the livestock and everything else in the city, you may take these as plunder for yourselves. . . . This is how you are to treat all the cities that are at a distance from you and do not belong to the nations nearby.
However, in the cities of the nations the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance, do not leave alive anything that breathes. Completely destroy them—the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites—as the Lord your God has commanded you.

On the Evil of Biblical Law
Ezekiel 20:25-26 I also gave them over to statutes that were not good and laws they could not live by; I let them become defiled through their gifts—the sacrifice of every firstborn—that I might fill them with horror so they would know that I am the LORD.

On Slavery & Subjugation of Women
Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Exodus 21:20-21 If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.
1 Peter 2:13 Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every authority instituted among men.
2:18 Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh.

Leviticus 25:44-45
Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property.

Jesus, on His Second Coming

Matthew 24:29-34
[T]he sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken. . . . They will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of the sky, with power and great glory. . . . I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened. [Emphasis added.]

16:27-28
For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what he has done. I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.

Scientific Errors
(1) Rabbits don’t chew cud.

Deuteronomy 14:6-7
You may eat any animal that has a split hoof divided in two and that chews the cud. However, of those that chew the cud or that have a split hoof completely divided you may not eat the camel, the rabbit, or the coney.
(2) No insects (including grasshoppers) are 4-legged.

Leviticus 11:20-22
All flying insects that walk on all fours are to be detestable to you. There are, however, some winged creatures that walk on all fours that you may eat: those that have jointed legs for hopping on the ground. Of these you may eat any kind of locust, katydid, cricket or grasshopper.
(3) This is only possible on a flat earth.

Matthew 4:8
Again the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor.
(4) pi does not = 3.

1 Kings 7:23
He made the Sea of cast metal, circular in shape, measuring ten cubits from rim to rim . . . It took a line of thirty cubits to measure around it.
(5) The earth moves. It does not have a foundation.

Psalms 104:5
He set the earth on its foundations; it can never be moved.

Selected Contradictions
(1)
2 Kings 2:11 As they were walking along and talking together, suddenly a chariot of fire and horses of fire appeared and separated the two of them, and Elijah went up to heaven in a whirlwind.
John 3:13 No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven—the Son of Man.
(2)
Numbers 23:19 God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Exodus 32:14 Then the Lord relented and did not bring on his people the disaster he had threatened.
(3)
Ephesians 2:8-9 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith . . . not by works.
James 2:14-17 What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? . . . Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
Revelation 22:12 Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done.
(4) (Jesus speaking)
Matthew 5:16 Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your father in heaven.
Matthew 6:1 Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them.
(5) (Jesus speaking)
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.
Matthew 10:34 Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.
(6)
Genesis 32:30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and my life was preserved.”
Exodus 33:11 The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with his friend.
John 1:18 No one has ever seen God.
(7) (Jesus speaking)
John 5:31 If I testify about myself, my testimony is not valid.
John 8:14 Even if I testify on my own behalf, my testimony is valid.

 

[Psalm23]

Scary Bible Quotes
By God
Edited with an introduction by Michael Huemer.
Translation: New International Version.



On Punishing ‘Immorality’

Leviticus 20:9
If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death.
20:10 If a man commits adultery with another man’s wife—with the wife of his neighbor—both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death.
20:13 If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death.
Deuteronomy 22:20-1 If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl’s virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father’s house.

Exodus 35:2
For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a Sabbath of rest to the LORD. Whoever does any work on it must be put to death.

On Destroying Other People
Deuteronomy 7:1-2 When the Lord your God brings you into the land you are entering to possess and drives out before you many nations . . . then you must destroy them totally. Make no treaty with them, and show them no mercy.
20:10-17 When you march up to attack a city, make its people an offer of peace. If they accept and open their gates, all the people in it shall be subject to forced labor and shall work for you. If they refuse to make peace and they engage you in battle, lay siege to that city. When the Lord your God delivers it into your hand, put to the sword all the men in it. As for the women, the children, the livestock and everything else in the city, you may take these as plunder for yourselves. . . . This is how you are to treat all the cities that are at a distance from you and do not belong to the nations nearby.
However, in the cities of the nations the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance, do not leave alive anything that breathes. Completely destroy them—the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites—as the Lord your God has commanded you.

On the Evil of Biblical Law
Ezekiel 20:25-26 I also gave them over to statutes that were not good and laws they could not live by; I let them become defiled through their gifts—the sacrifice of every firstborn—that I might fill them with horror so they would know that I am the LORD.

On Slavery & Subjugation of Women
Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Exodus 21:20-21 If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.
1 Peter 2:13 Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every authority instituted among men.
2:18 Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh.

Leviticus 25:44-45
Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property.

Jesus, on His Second Coming

Matthew 24:29-34
[T]he sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken. . . . They will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of the sky, with power and great glory. . . . I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened. [Emphasis added.]

16:27-28
For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what he has done. I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.

Scientific Errors
(1) Rabbits don’t chew cud.

Deuteronomy 14:6-7
You may eat any animal that has a split hoof divided in two and that chews the cud. However, of those that chew the cud or that have a split hoof completely divided you may not eat the camel, the rabbit, or the coney.
(2) No insects (including grasshoppers) are 4-legged.

Leviticus 11:20-22
All flying insects that walk on all fours are to be detestable to you. There are, however, some winged creatures that walk on all fours that you may eat: those that have jointed legs for hopping on the ground. Of these you may eat any kind of locust, katydid, cricket or grasshopper.
(3) This is only possible on a flat earth.

Matthew 4:8
Again the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor.
(4) pi does not = 3.

1 Kings 7:23
He made the Sea of cast metal, circular in shape, measuring ten cubits from rim to rim . . . It took a line of thirty cubits to measure around it.
(5) The earth moves. It does not have a foundation.

Psalms 104:5
He set the earth on its foundations; it can never be moved.

Selected Contradictions
(1)
2 Kings 2:11 As they were walking along and talking together, suddenly a chariot of fire and horses of fire appeared and separated the two of them, and Elijah went up to heaven in a whirlwind.
John 3:13 No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven—the Son of Man.
(2)
Numbers 23:19 God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.
Exodus 32:14 Then the Lord relented and did not bring on his people the disaster he had threatened.
(3)
Ephesians 2:8-9 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith . . . not by works.
James 2:14-17 What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? . . . Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
Revelation 22:12 Behold, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to everyone according to what he has done.
(4) (Jesus speaking)
Matthew 5:16 Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your father in heaven.
Matthew 6:1 Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them.
(5) (Jesus speaking)
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.
Matthew 10:34 Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.
(6)
Genesis 32:30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and my life was preserved.”
Exodus 33:11 The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with his friend.
John 1:18 No one has ever seen God.
(7) (Jesus speaking)
John 5:31 If I testify about myself, my testimony is not valid.
John 8:14 Even if I testify on my own behalf, my testimony is valid.

What you mentioned here are only the 'tip of an iceberg.' There are more 'horrible' things said in the Bible but we have to read it's entirety to conclude the actual meaning of the message. The danger is that reading verses in isolation without going to the background of those verses can distort the true meaning.

For example, verses in John 5:31 and John 8:14 seemingly contradicted one another but you must go and read the verses before those. Jesus was saying to different group of people and on different topics. This is just to illustrate that never expound a verse without going to whole context: Who was Jesus speaking to; why He spoke that; the circumstances surround what He said.

 

[GOD IS MY DOG]

not as absurd as the part whereby God wanna kill Moses becoz he never circumcise....................and that Noah had babies with his own daughters...................


aiyoh....................God has a fetish for foreskins..................maybe he don't have so jealous...................

heck,...............maybe God don't even have a dick !

 

[fishbuff]

What you mentioned here are only the 'tip of an iceberg.' There are more 'horrible' things said in the Bible but we have to read it's entirety to conclude the actual meaning of the message. The danger is that reading verses in isolation without going to the background of those verses can distort the true meaning.

For example, verses in John 5:31 and John 8:14 seemingly contradicted one another but you must go and read the verses before those. Jesus was saying to different group of people and on different topics. This is just to illustrate that never expound a verse without going to whole context: Who was Jesus speaking to; why He spoke that; the circumstances surround what He said.

call a spade a spade. like quran, it is a horrible book, written by men to oppress men and wage wars, hatred and evil deeds against unbelievers.
we all have seen how histories had shown the atrocities committed under the religion's banner.

but the stupidity to believe some invisible god that is "beyond time and space" something cooked up in the head, is ridiculous, same as believing in flying unicorn and pink elephant.

john chapters are one of the many conflicting passages that are inconsistent throughout the bible. lilke noah's ark, surviving in a fish stomach, sun stood still, 10 plagues, etc..

you should know that these dont exist nor logical by today's standard of scientific reasoning and facts.

 

[God my healer]

hi hi hi FB and 23 and any others who read this thread. Happy CNY too.

Those laws do indeed look horrible and vicious but it could have ben there for its practicalities at that point in history and culture .
These laws certainly look out of place today but our laws could have evolved from these old laws the way society also evolved.

Regarding the OT laws,

Some laws like the 10 commandments are non negotiable and last for good.
Some were ceremonial laws and were later abandoned after Christ came.
Some laws were adjusted as society improved.

In the good old days of the wild West if someone stole another person's horse, then he could expect a death sentence if he were caught because a person's life practically depended on his horse.
But this law if applied today would be out of place.

I think i probably didnt answer many of your questions if at all, but these are my thoughts and inputs to your thread.

 

[fishbuff]

hi hi hi FB and 23 and any others who read this thread. Happy CNY too.

Those laws do indeed look horrible and vicious but it could have ben there for its practicalities at that point in history and culture .
These laws certainly look out of place today but our laws could have evolved from these old laws the way society also evolved.

Regarding the OT laws,

Some laws like the 10 commandments are non negotiable and last for good.
Some were ceremonial laws and were later abandoned after Christ came.
Some laws were adjusted as society improved.

In the good old days of the wild West if someone stole another person's horse, then he could expect a death sentence if he were caught because a person's life practically depended on his horse.
But this law if applied today would be out of place.

I think i probably didnt answer many of your questions if at all, but these are my thoughts and inputs to your thread.

that is correct and all those accounts occurred and applicable for those days living in the dark ages and in the deserts.

and they should not apply to our modern age where science, technology and much knowledge had been gained for the past 200 years.

so it is ok to tell desert people about god created whole world in 6 days, noah ark, and you think that is feasible in today's context? absolutely not.

so, i put to you that if you can discount the account for the punishment back then are for the ancient people, then all those account for SHOULD stay in the ancient for good.

 

[commoner]

10 commandments non negotiable?

keep the sabbath day holy? get soned to death if work on sabbath like gathering of sticks?

come on,,,,, it is just a wish list of some people of their ideas of god,,,,

christians will tell you to read in context, understand the era, read the original text in hebrew and greek and when all things fail, these excuses will do

1. god works in mysterious ways
2. read with the understanding of the holy ghost
3. by faith because without faith it is impossible to please god

 

[God my healer]

hi commoner. The 10 commandments were and are about 2 basic elements.

The first 4 commandments : Love and relationship with God

The next 6 commandments : Love for and relationship with others.

The Jews had just come out of Egypt where there were many gods and idols so God needed to correct this. He didnt want to be just one of many gods. It is still applicable to us Christians today.

The next 6 are also moral laws that apply today.

Yes Christians do say the stuff you mentioned. Its just whether it makes sense to the listener or not. If it sounds illogical or silly then its ok.

But many do accept the explanation.

10 commandments non negotiable?

keep the sabbath day holy? get soned to death if work on sabbath like gathering of sticks?

come on,,,,, it is just a wish list of some people of their ideas of god,,,,

christians will tell you to read in context, understand the era, read the original text in hebrew and greek and when all things fail, these excuses will do

1. god works in mysterious ways
2. read with the understanding of the holy ghost
3. by faith because without faith it is impossible to please god

 

[fishbuff]

hi commoner. The 10 commandments were and are about 2 basic elements.

The first 4 commandments : Love and relationship with God

The next 6 commandments : Love for and relationship with others.

The Jews had just come out of Egypt where there were many gods and idols so God needed to correct this. He didnt want to be just one of many gods. It is still applicable to us Christians today.

The next 6 are also moral laws that apply today.

Yes Christians do say the stuff you mentioned. Its just whether it makes sense to the listener or not. If it sounds illogical or silly then its ok.

But many do accept the explanation.

there is no love in the OT. just laws and punishment. all these love thingy comes about only in the NT. and people started to work backward.

love? he can flood to kill the whole world, rain fire and brimstone to kill sodom and gomorrah, kill all the natives of the land before israel took over, kill all in jericho, will kill in the revelation, kill those that disobey their parents, kill those that had sex with animal, kill those homos, kill those that disobey him, harden the heart of the pharoah so he can kill the 1st borns.

pleeeease, OT is harsh. what love? they are just hokum..

[video=youtube;8QWwzT4ulkA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QWwzT4ulkA[/video]

 

[Psalm23]

there is no love in the OT. just laws and punishment. all these love thingy comes about only in the NT. and people started to work backward.

love? he can flood to kill the whole world, rain fire and brimstone to kill sodom and gomorrah, kill all the natives of the land before israel took over, kill all in jericho, will kill in the revelation, kill those that disobey their parents, kill those that had sex with animal, kill those homos, kill those that disobey him, harden the heart of the pharoah so he can kill the 1st borns.

pleeeease, OT is harsh. what love? they are just hokum..

Yes! God's laws are harsh, very harsh. Even in the NT, it is equally harsh. Jesus spoke more about hell than about heaven, and what can be more harsh than going to this awful place called hell. If you thing God has 'relaxed His laws" and close one eye to the law-breakers, sorry, you are wrong. God is the same, yesterday, today and forever more!

But God is Respecter of no person. We can see this in the OT, when His chosen people, the Jews disobeyed, He punished them. And what can be more harsh than scattered all His people, the Jews all over, and the nation of Israel was destroyed. But at the same time, God delivers all His promises. He promises that the desolation of the nation Israel is not going to be permanent. The Jews would be back but only two thousands years later. This promise was delivered when Israel was declared as a state on May 1948. Don't play with God's laws. He will not compromise with the law-breakers. But, through Jesus, through the death of Jesus, by the blood of Jesus, it has made easier for us to comply with the laws, but remember, all law breakers will receive very harsh punishment from God. 'Accepting' Jesus does not automatically save you....sorry, I hope this will not create unhappiness even with Christians that's why I put the word 'accepting' in quote. We must really accept Jesus as our Savour. Not mere lip-service. Jesus has warned us that many will cry out to Him "Lord, Lord" but He is going to them: "Go away, you evildoers, I never knew you!" These are the people that only gave lip-service. While acknowledging Jesus as Saviour, they conintue to do evil things, breaking His laws again and again and again. Yes, the laws of God - OT and NT are harsh. Sorry, bad news for you. But you have Good News: The Gospel of Jesus.

 

[God my healer]

hi FB, I feel that there was love, but it wasnt so explicit. God wanted them to be faithful to him because He had chosen them to show Him to the world.
Although He had to punish them, He blessed them in very many ways and even brought them to their 'promised land'
Yes even though the punishments appear harsh , and i cannot satisfactorily explain them , but their blessings were great.

God is the same yesterday, today and forever and for me, i indeed focus on His love ( whilst not forgetting His justice and judgements )

God did love and still loves His chosen people and will one day redeem them , just like He is doing for us now.

I know you and many others do not see it this way , but the OT is also about God's love.

there is no love in the OT. just laws and punishment. all these love thingy comes about only in the NT. and people started to work backward.

love? he can flood to kill the whole world, rain fire and brimstone to kill sodom and gomorrah, kill all the natives of the land before israel took over, kill all in jericho, will kill in the revelation, kill those that disobey their parents, kill those that had sex with animal, kill those homos, kill those that disobey him, harden the heart of the pharoah so he can kill the 1st borns.

pleeeease, OT is harsh. what love? they are just hokum..

 

[fishbuff]

hi FB, I feel that there was love, but it wasnt so explicit. God wanted them to be faithful to him because He had chosen them to show Him to the world.
Although He had to punish them, He blessed them in very many ways and even brought them to their 'promised land'
Yes even though the punishments appear harsh , and i cannot satisfactorily explain them , but their blessings were great.

God is the same yesterday, today and forever and for me, i indeed focus on His love ( whilst not forgetting His justice and judgements )

God did love and still loves His chosen people and will one day redeem them , just like He is doing for us now.

I know you and many others do not see it this way , but the OT is also about God's love.

you have read the passages in the bible about all the killings and pilaging. like what the japanese emperor or nazi hitler stated to their own troops; that chinese, jews, homos are sub-humans and need to be purged for the greater good of the imperial japanese and Aryan race. yea, love... riiiiight.

OT is all about hate and judgement, and then suddenly jumped to NT where jesus talk about love. that is a 180 degree turn. no apologetic information can fool people not to think the god in the bible is schizophrenic unless jesus has some external influence like buddhism that compelled him to think otherwise.
based on your statement, that means you say that islam, buddhism, catholism, hinduism are all false and only protestant christianity is the true religion??

 

[GOD IS MY DOG]

Yes! God's laws are harsh, very harsh. Even in the NT, it is equally harsh. Jesus spoke more about hell than about heaven, and what can be more harsh than going to this awful place called hell. If you thing God has 'relaxed His laws" and close one eye to the law-breakers, sorry, you are wrong. God is the same, yesterday, today and forever more!

But God is Respecter of no person. We can see this in the OT, when His chosen people, the Jews disobeyed, He punished them. And what can be more harsh than scattered all His people, the Jews all over, and the nation of Israel was destroyed. But at the same time, God delivers all His promises. He promises that the desolation of the nation Israel is not going to be permanent. The Jews would be back but only two thousands years later. This promise was delivered when Israel was declared as a state on May 1948. Don't play with God's laws. He will not compromise with the law-breakers. But, through Jesus, through the death of Jesus, by the blood of Jesus, it has made easier for us to comply with the laws, but remember, all law breakers will receive very harsh punishment from God. 'Accepting' Jesus does not automatically save you....sorry, I hope this will not create unhappiness even with Christians that's why I put the word 'accepting' in quote. We must really accept Jesus as our Savour. Not mere lip-service. Jesus has warned us that many will cry out to Him "Lord, Lord" but He is going to them: "Go away, you evildoers, I never knew you!" These are the people that only gave lip-service. While acknowledging Jesus as Saviour, they conintue to do evil things, breaking His laws again and again and again. Yes, the laws of God - OT and NT are harsh. Sorry, bad news for you. But you have Good News: The Gospel of Jesus.

yes................God's Laws are very harsh......................


if you never circumcise....................he wanna kill you........................


Moses almost fell victim to God's fetish for foreskins..........................

 

[fishbuff]

hi FB, I feel that there was love, but it wasnt so explicit. God wanted them to be faithful to him because He had chosen them to show Him to the world.
Although He had to punish them, He blessed them in very many ways and even brought them to their 'promised land'
Yes even though the punishments appear harsh , and i cannot satisfactorily explain them , but their blessings were great.

God is the same yesterday, today and forever and for me, i indeed focus on His love ( whilst not forgetting His justice and judgements )

God did love and still loves His chosen people and will one day redeem them , just like He is doing for us now.

I know you and many others do not see it this way , but the OT is also about God's love.

hey GMH, god is a loving god? ha!

Exodus 4:24–26

24 At a lodging place on the way fthe Lord met him and gsought to put him to death. 25 Then hZipporah took a iflint and cut off her son’s foreskin and touched Moses’3 feet with it and said, “Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me!” 26 So he let him alone. It was then that she said, “A bridegroom of blood,” because of the circumcision.

 

[fishbuff]

Genesis

Because God liked Abel's animal sacrifice more than Cain's vegetables, Cain kills his brother Abel in a fit of religious jealousy. 4:8

"I will destroy ... both man and beast."
God is angry. He decides to destroy all humans, beasts, creeping things, fowls, and "all flesh wherein there is breath of life." He plans to drown them all. 6:7, 17

"Every living substance that I have made will I destroy."
God repeats his intention to kill "every living substance ... from off the face of the earth." But why does God kill all the innocent animals? What had they done to deserve his wrath? It seems God never gets his fill of tormenting animals. 7:4

"All flesh died that moved upon the earth."
God drowns everything that breathes air. From newborn babies to koala bears -- all creatures great and small, the Lord God drowned them all. 7:21-23

God sends a plague on the Pharaoh and his household because the Pharaoh believed Abram's lie. 12:17

God tells Abram to kill some animals for him. The needless slaughter makes God feel better. 15:9-10

Hagar conceives, making Sarai jealous. Abram tells Sarai to do to Hagar whatever she wants. "And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled." 16:6

"I will not destroy it for ten's sake."
I guess God couldn't find even ten good Sodomites because he decides to kill them all in Genesis 19. Too bad Abraham didn't ask God about the children. Why not save them? If Abraham could find 10 good children, toddlers, infants, or babies, would God spare the city? Apparently not. God doesn't give a damn about children. 18:32

Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two "virgin daughters" instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them [his daughters] as is good in your eyes." This is the same man that is called "just" and "righteous" in 2 Peter 2:7-8. 19:7-8

God kills everyone (men, women, children, infants, newborns) in Sodom and Gomorrah by raining "fire and brimstone from the Lord out of heaven." Well, almost everyone -- he spares the "just and righteous" Lot and his family. 19:24

Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt. 19:26

God threatens to kill Abimelech and his people for believing Abe's lie. 20:3-7

Sarai tells Abraham to "cast out this bondwoman and her son." God commands him to "hearken unto her voice." So Abraham abandons Hagar and Ishmael, casting them out into the wilderness to die. 21:10-14

God orders Abraham to kill Isaac as a burnt offering. Abraham shows his love for God by his willingness to murder his son. But finally, just before Isaac's throat is slit, God provides a goat to kill instead. 22:2-13

Abraham shows his willingness to kill his son for God. Only an evil God would ask a father to do that; only a bad father would be willing to do it. 22:10

Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is "defiled" by a man who seems to love her dearly. Her brothers trick all of the men of the town and kill them (after first having them all circumcised), and then take their wives and children captive. 34:1-31

"The terror of God was upon the cities that were round about them." 35:5

"And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord; and the Lord slew him." What did Er do to elicit God's wrath? The Bible doesn't say. Maybe he picked up some sticks on Saturday. 38:7

After God killed Er, Judah tells Onan to "go in unto they brother's wife." But "Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and ... when he went in unto his brother's wife ... he spilled it on the ground.... And the thing which he did displeased the Lord; wherefore he slew him also." This lovely Bible story is seldom read in Sunday School, but it is the basis of many Christian doctrines, including the condemnation of both masturbation and birth control. 38:8-10

After Judah pays Tamar for her services, he is told that she "played the harlot" and "is with child by whoredom." When Judah hears this, he says, "Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." 38:24

Joseph interprets the baker's dream. He says that the pharaoh will cut off the baker's head, and hang his headless body on a tree for the birds to eat. 40:19

God brought a seven year, "very greivous" famine on the whole earth for no apparent reason (except maybe to make Joseph wealthy). 41:25-32, 54

Exodus

Moses murders an Egyptian after making sure that no one is looking. 2:11-12

"I will ... smite Egypt with all my wonders." 3:20

God threatens to kill the Pharaoh's firstborn son. 4:23

God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. 4:24-26

Moses and Aaron ask the Pharaoh to let all the Israelites go into the desert to pray for three days, or else God will kill them all "with pestilence, or with the sword." 5:3

"Now shalt thou see what I will do to Pharaoh." 6:1

God will make sure that Pharaoh does not listen to Moses, so that he can kill Egyptians with his armies. 7:4

"And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD." Who else could be so cruel and unjust? 7:5, 17

God tells Moses and Aaron to smite the river and turn it into blood. 7:17-24

The fifth plague: all cattle in Egypt die. 9:2-6

The sixth plague: boils and blains upon man and beast. 9:9-12

"For I will at this time send all my plagues upon thine heart, and upon thy servants, and upon thy people; that thou mayest know that there is none like me in all the earth." Who else but the biblical god could be so cruel? 9:14

God gave power to the Pharaoh so that he could show off his own power by killing him. 9:15-16

The seventh plague is hail. "And the hail smote throughout the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast." 9:22-25

God wants to be remembered forever for the mass murder of little children. 10:2

These verses clearly show that the mass murder of innocent children by God was premeditated. 11:4-6 (see 12:29-30)

God will kill the Egyptian children to show that he puts "a difference between the Egyptians and Israel." 11:7

God explains to Moses that he intends to "smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast. 12:12

After God has sufficiently hardened the Pharaoh's heart, he kills all the firstborn Egyptian children. When he was finished "there was not a house where there was not one dead." Finally, he runs out of little babies to kill, so he slaughters the firstborn cattle, too. 12:29

To commemorate the divine massacre of the Egyptian children, Moses instructs the Israelites to "sacrifice to the Lord all that openeth the matrix" -- all the males, that is. God has no use for dead, burnt female bodies. 13:2, 12, 15

"I will harden Pharaoh's heart." 14:4

After hardening Pharaoh's heart a few more times, God drowns Pharaoh's army in the sea 14:4-28

The LORD shall fight for you 14:14

"I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians, and they shall follow them: and I will get me honour." 14:17

"And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD, when I have gotten me honour upon Pharaoh, upon his chariots, and upon his horsemen." 14:18

"And the LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand over the sea, that the waters may come again upon the Egyptians." 14:26

"And Israel saw that great work which the LORD did upon the Egyptians." 14:31

Moses and the people sing praises to their murderous god. 15:1-19

"The Lord is a man of war." Indeed, judging from his acts in the Old Testament, he is a vicious warlike monster. 15:3

God's right hand dashes people in pieces. 15:6

"For the horse of Pharaoh went in with his chariots and with his horsemen into the sea, and the LORD brought again the waters of the sea upon them." 15:19

"Horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea." 15:21

If you do what God says, he won't send his diseases on you (like he did to the Egyptians). But otherwise.... 15:26

Joshua, with God's approval, kills the Amalekites "with the edge of the sword." 17:13

"I will utterly put out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven." 17:14

"The Lord has sworn [God swears!] that the Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation." 17:14-16

Any person or animal that touches Mt. Sinai shall be stoned to death or "shot through." 19:12-13

Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, nobody can see God and live. 19:21

God gives instructions for killing and burning animals. He says that if we will make such "burnt offerings," he will bless us for it. What kind of mind would be pleased by the killing and burning of innocent animals? 20:24

A child who hits or curses his parents must be executed. 21:15, 17

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. 21:24-25

If an ox gores someone, "then the ox shall surely be stoned." 21:28

If an ox gores someone due to the negligence of its owner, then "the ox shall be stoned, and his owner shall be put to death.". 21:29

If an ox gores a slave, the owner of the ox must pay the owner of the slave 30 shekels of silver, and "the ox shall be stoned." 21:32

"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." Thousands of innocent women have suffered excruciating deaths because of this verse. 22:18

"Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death." Is it really necessary to kill such people? Couldn't we just send them to counseling or something? 22:19

"He who sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the Lord only, he shall be utterly destroyed." If this commandment is obeyed, then the four billion people who do not believe in the biblical god must be killed. 22:20

If you make God angry enough, he will kill you and your family with his own sword. 22:24

"The firstborn of thy sons thou shalt give unto me." (As a burnt offering?) 22:29

God promises to "send his fear before the Israelites" and to kill everyone that they encounter when they enter the promised land. 23:27

Moses has some animals killed and their dead bodies burned for God. Then he sprinkles their blood on the altar and on the people. This makes God happy. 24:5-8

Get some animals, kill them, chop up their bodies, wave body parts in the air, burn the carcasses, and sprinkle the blood all around -- in precisely the way God tells you. It may well make you sick, but it makes God feel good. 29:11-37

Have your killed and offered your bullock for a sin offering today? How about the two lambs you are supposed to offer each day? 29:36-39

Wash up or die. 30:20-21

Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off from his people." 30:33

Those who break the Sabbath are to be executed. 31:14

God asks to be left alone so that his "wrath may wax hot" and he can "consume them. 32:10

Moses burned the golden calf, ground it into powder, and then forced it down the throats of all the people. 32:20

God orders the sons of Levi (Moses, Aaron, and the other members of their tribe that were "on the Lord's side") to kill "every man his neighbor." "And there fell of the people that day about 3000 men." 32:27-28

"Whosoever hath sinned against me, him will I blot out of my book." 32:33

But God wasn't satisfied with the slaughter of the 3000, so he killed some more people with a plague. 32:35

If you can't redeem him, then just "break his neck." Hey, it's all for the glory of God. 34:20

Whoever works, or even kindles a fire, on the Sabbath "shall be put to death." 35:2-3

Leviticus

God gives detailed instructions for performing ritualistic animal sacrifices. such bloody rituals must be important to God, judging from the number of times that he repeats their instructions. Indeed the entire first nine chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, and burn it for a "sweet savor unto the Lord." Chapters 1 - 9

"Kill the bullock before the LORD ... bring the blood, and sprinkle the blood round about upon the altar." 1:5

"Flay the burnt offering; cut it into pieces." 1:6

Lay ... the head, and the fat ... on the fire which is upon the altar: But his inwards and his legs ... burn all on the altar, to be a burnt sacrifice ... a sweet savour unto the LORD." 1:8-9

"Kill ... before the Lord and ... sprinkle blood round about." 1:11

"Cut it into his pieces, with his head and his fat ... and burn it ... for a sweet savour unto the Lord." 1:12-13

"If the burnt sacrifice ... be of fowls ... wring off his head, and burn it ... and the blood thereof shall be wrung out." 1:14-15

"For a sweet savour unto the Lord." 1:17

"Part it in pieces... it is a meat offering." 2:6

"It is a thing most holy of the offerings of the LORD made by fire." 2:10

"He shall lay his hand upon the head of his offering, and kill it ... and .... sprinkle the blood ... round about." 3:2

"The fat that covereth the inwards ... and the two kidneys ... and the caul above the liver.... It is ... a sweet savour unto the Lord." 3:3-5

"He shall lay his hand upon the head of his offering, and kill it ... and .... sprinkle the blood ... round about." 3:8

"The fat ... the whole rump ... the inwards ... the two kidneys ... burn it upon the altar: it is the food of the offering made by fire unto the LORD." 3:9-11

"If his offering be a goat ... he shall lay his hand upon the head ... and kill it ... and ... sprinkle the blood ... round about." 3:12-13

"The fat that covereth the inwards ... the two kidneys ... and the caul above the liver ... burn them upon the altar; it is the food of the ooffering made by fire for a sweet savour." 3:14-16

"All the fat is the Lord's."
When you do your burnt offerings, remember that "all the fat is the Lord's." (And he doesn't like to share!) 3:16

"Kill the bullock before the Lord and take of the bullock's blood." 4:4

"The priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven times before the Lord." 4:6

"Put some of the blood upon the horns of the altar ... and ... pour all the blood of the bullock at the bottom of the altar." 4:7

"Take ... all the fat of the bullock for the sin offering; the fat that covereth the inwards ... the two kidneys ... and the caul above the liver ... and ... burn them upon the altar of the burnt offering." 4:8-10

"And the skin of the bullock, and all his flesh, with his head, and with his legs, and his inwards, and his dung...."
What to do with the fat, kidneys, liver, skin, head, entrails, and dung from your burnt offerings. 4:11-12

"Offer a young bullock for the sin ... The bullock shall be killed before the Lord." 4:14-15

"Bring of the bullock's blood ... And the priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven times before the Lord." 4:16-17

"Put some of the blood upon the horns of the altar ... and ... pour out all the blood ... and ... take all his fat from him, and burn it upon the altar." 4:18-19

"He shall lay his hand upon the head of the goat, and kill it." 4:24-25

"The priest shall take of the blood of the sin offering with his finger, and put it upon the horns of the altar of burnt offering, and shall pour out his blood ... and he shall burn all his fat upon the altar." 4:25-26

"Slay the sin offering ... and the priest shall take of the blood thereof with his finger, and put it upon the horns of the altar of burnt offering ... and shall pour out all the blood." 4:29-30

"He shall take away all the fat ... and ... burn it upon the altar for a sweet savour unto the LORD." 4:31

"Slay the sin offering ... and the priest shall take of the blood thereof with his finger, and put it upon the horns of the altar of burnt offering and shall pour out all the blood." 4:33-35

 

[fishbuff]

"He shall bring his trespass offering unto the LORD ... a female from the flock, a lamb or a kid of the goats."
If you touch an insect, dead animal, or "the uncleanness of man" or if you swear to do something good or bad (5:2-4), kill a female lamb or goat for God. (A female will do since it's a minor offense.) 5:6

"If he be not able to bring a lamb, then he shall bring ... two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, unto the LORD ... and wring off his head."
If you don't have a lamb to kill for God, then you can wring off the head of a pigeon or dove. 5:7

"And he shall sprinkle of the blood of the sin offering upon the side of the altar; and the rest of the blood shall be wrung out at the bottom of the altar: it is a sin offering." 5:9

"The Lord spake unto Moses, saying, If a soul ... sin through ignorance ... then he shall bring for his trespass unto the LORD a ram without blemish."
If you sin without knowing that you've done anything wrong, kill an unblemished ram for God. 5:14-15

"This is the law of the sin offering: the sin offering [shall] be killed before the LORD: it is most holy." 6:25

"The trespass offering: it is most holy"
The holy law of trespass offering: Find an animal; kill it; sprinkle the blood around; offer God the fat, rump, kidneys, and caul; burn and eat it in the holy place, for "it is most holy." 7:1-6

Kill the trespass offering: and the blood thereof shall he sprinkle round about upon the altar." 7:2

"Offer of it all the fat thereof; the rump, and the fat that covereth the inwards, and the two kidneys, and the fat that is on them ... and the caul that is above the liver." 7:3

"It shall be the priest's that sprinkleth the blood of the peace offerings." 7:14

Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't eat fat or blood -- these are for God. (And he doesn't like to share!) 7:18-27

"The fat with the breast, it shall he bring, that the breast may be waved for a wave offering before the LORD." Wave the fat and the breast for "a wave offering before the Lord." 7:30

"And the priest shall burn the fat upon the altar: but the breast shall be Aaron's and his sons'." 7:31

"And the right shoulder shall ye give unto the priest for an heave offering." 7:32

"He among the sons of Aaron, that offereth the blood of the peace offerings, and the fat, shall have the right shoulder for his part."
Aaron's sons get the right shoulder from all peace offerings. 7:33

"For the wave breast and the heave shoulder ... a statute for ever."
Be sure to do your wave breast or heave shoulder today. It is a statute forver. 7:34

Moses does it all for God. First he kills an animal; wipes the blood on Aaron's ears, thumbs, and big toes. Then he sprinkles blood round about and waves the guts before the Lord. Finally he burns the whole mess for "a sweet savour before the Lord." 8:14-32

"Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the bullock for the sin offering and he slew it." 8:14-15

"Moses took the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about with his finger .. and poured the blood at the bottom of the altar." 8:15

"And he took all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and Moses burned it upon the altar." 8:16

"But the bullock, and his hide, his flesh, and his dung, he burnt with fire without the camp; as the LORD commanded Moses." 8:17

"Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the ram. And he killed it." 8:18-19

"Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about." 8:19

"And he cut the ram into pieces; and Moses burnt the head, and the pieces, and the fat." 8:20

"And he washed the inwards and the legs in water; and Moses burnt the whole ram upon the altar: it was a burnt sacrifice for a sweet savour, and an offering made by fire unto the LORD; as the LORD commanded Moses." 8:21

"Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the ram. And he slew it." 8:22-23

"Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 8:23

"And he brought Aaron's sons, and Moses put of the blood upon the tip of their right ear, and upon the thumbs of their right hands, and upon the great toes of their right feet: and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about." 8:24

"And he took the fat, and the rump, and all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and the right shoulder." 8:25

"And he put all upon Aaron's hands, and upon his sons' hands, and waved them for a wave offering before the LORD." 8:27

"Moses ... burnt them ... for a sweet savour." 8:28

"And Moses took the breast, and waved it for a wave offering before the LORD." 8:29

"And Moses took ... of the blood which was upon the altar, and sprinkled it upon Aaron, and upon his garments, and upon his sons, and upon his sons' garments." 8:30

"Moses said unto Aaron and to his sons, Boil the flesh." 8:31

And that which remaineth of the flesh .... shall ye burn with fire." 8:32

More killing, sprinkling of blood, waiving animal parts, and burning carcasses "before the Lord." 9:2-21

"Take thee a young calf for a sin offering, and a ram for a burnt offering, without blemish, and offer them before the LORD." 9:2

"Take ye a kid of the goats for a sin offering; and a calf and a lamb, both of the first year, without blemish, for a burnt offering." 9:3

"Also a bullock and a ram for peace offerings, to sacrifice before the LORD; and a meat offering." 9:4

Kill the calf, dip your finger in the blood, sprinkle the blood round about, burn the fat and entrails, and wave the breast for a wave offering before the Lord. 9:8-21

"Aaron ... slew the calf of the sin offering." 9:8

"And the sons of Aaron brought the blood unto him: and he dipped his finger in the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar, and poured out the blood at the bottom of the altar." 9:9

"But the fat, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver of the sin offering, he burnt upon the altar; as the LORD commanded Moses." 9:10

"And the flesh and the hide he burnt with fire without the camp." 9:11

"And he slew the burnt offering; and Aaron's sons presented unto him the blood, which he sprinkled round about upon the altar." 9:12

"And they presented the burnt offering unto him, with the pieces thereof, and the head: and he burnt them upon the altar." 9:13

"And he did wash the inwards and the legs, and burnt them upon the burnt offering on the altar." 9:14

"And he ... took the goat ... the people, and slew it." 9:15

"He slew also the bullock and the ram ... and Aaron's sons presented unto him the blood, which he sprinkled upon the altar round about." 9:18

"And the fat of the bullock and of the ram, the rump, and that which covereth the inwards, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver." 9:19

"And they put the fat upon the breasts, and he burnt the fat upon the altar." 9:20

"And the breasts and the right shoulder Aaron waved for a wave offering before the LORD; as Moses commanded." 9:21

Two of the sons of Aaron "offered strange fire before the Lord" and "there went out fire from the Lord, and devoured them, and they died before the Lord." 10:1-2

Moses tells Aaron that his sons were burned to death to sanctfy and glorify God. 10:3

Moses tells Aaron's cousins to drag the burned bodies out of the camp, and he warns Aaron not to mourn the death of his sons or God will kill him too, along with everyone else. 10:4-6

If priests misbehave at the tabernacle by uncovering their heads, tearing their clothes, leaving with holy oil on them, or by drinking "wine or strong drink", then God will kill them and send his wrath on "all the people." 10:6-9

God will kill any priest that leaves the tabernacle. 10:7

If priests misbehave at the tabernacle by by drinking "wine or strong drink," then God will kill them and send his wrath on "all the people." "It shall be a statute for ever." 10:9

"And the wave breast and heave shoulder shall ye eat in a clean place." 10:14

"The heave shoulder and the wave breast ... bring with the offerings made by fire of the fat, to wave it for a wave offering before the LORD." 10:15

"She shall bring a lamb ... for a burnt offering, and... a young pigeon, or dove, for a sin offering."
After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when things are killed for him. 12:6

"If she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons ... and she shall be clean." 12:8

God's law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. 14:2-32

"Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean ... and the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water." 14:4

"And on the eighth day he shall take two he lambs without blemish, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish ... And the priest shall take one he lamb, and offer him for a trespass offering ... and wave them for a wave offering before the LORD." 14:10-12

"And he shall slay the lamb ... in the holy place: ... it is most holy." 14:13

"And the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and ... put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 14:14

"The priest shall offer the sin offering ... and afterward he shall kill the burnt offering." 14:19

"If he be poor, and cannot get so much; then he shall take one lamb for a trespass offering to be waved ... and two turtledoves, or two young pigeons ... and the one shall be a sin offering, and the other a burnt offering." 14:21-22

"And the priest shall take the lamb of the trespass offering ... and the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD:" 14:24

"And he shall kill the lamb of the trespass offering, and the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 14:25

"And he shall offer the one of the turtledoves, or of the young pigeons, such as he can get." 14:30

"Even such as he is able to get, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, with the meat offering." 14:31

"When ye be come into the land of Canaan ... I put the plague of leprosy in ... the land of your possession."
God "put the plague of leprosy" on the Canaanites. 14:34

"He shall take to cleanse the house two birds ... And he shall kill the one of the birds ... And he shall take ... the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird ... and sprinkle the house seven times ... And he shall cleanse the house with the blood of the bird." 14:49-52

"On the eighth day he shall take to him two turtledoves, or two young pigeons ... and ... offer them, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering." 15:14-15

"On the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons ... for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness." 15:29-30

God warns Aaron that he might have to burn him to death like he did his sons. (10:1-2) 16:1-2

God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two goats. Kill one. Wipe, smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven times. Then take the other goat, give it the sins of all the people, and send it off into the wilderness. 16:8-28

"Kill the bullock of the sin offering." 16:11

"Take of the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it ... seven times." 16:14

"Kill the goat of the sin offering, that is for the people, and bring his blood ... and sprinkle it upon the mercy seat." 16:15

"Take of the blood of the bullock, and of the blood of the goat, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about." 16:18

"He shall sprinkle of the blood upon it with his finger seven times." 16:19

Sprinkle the blood and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the Lord. 17:6

If you upset God, he'll cause the land to vomit you out. 18:25

"Keep my statutes and my judgments, and shall not commit any of these abominations ... that the land spue not you out also, when ye defile it, as it spued out the nations that were before you." 18:26-28

"Whosoever shall commit any of these abominations ... shall be cut off from among their people." 18:29

Don't eat sacrifices on the third day or God will cut you off from among your people. 19:6-8

Kill anyone who "gives his seed" to Molech. If you refuse, God will cut you and your family off. 20:2

If you refuse to kill someone who gives his seed to Molech, God set his face against you and your family. 20:4-5

"For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death." Couldn't we try spanking first? 20:9

Both parties in adultery shall be executed. 20:10

If a man has sex with his father's wife, kill them both. 20:11

If a man "lies" with his daughter-in-law, then both must be killed. 20:12

If a man has sex with another man, kill them both. 20:13

If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), then all three of you must be burned to death. 20:14

If a man or woman "lie with a beast" both the person and the poor animal are to be killed. 20:15-16

People with "familiar spirits" (witches, fortune tellers, etc.) are to be stoned to death. 20:27

A priest's daughter who "plays the whore" is to be burned to death. 21:9

"Ye shall offer ... a male without blemish ... Blind, or broken, or maimed, or having a wen, or scurvy, or scabbed, ye shall not offer these unto the LORD ... Ye shall not offer unto the LORD that which is bruised, or crushed, or broken, or cut."
God wants us to kill lots of animals for him. Not just any animals, though. God only wants dead, male animals without any blemishes. 22:19-24

God gives us more instructions on killing and burning animals. I guess the first nine chapters of Leviticus wasn't enough. He says we must do this because he really likes the smell -- it is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 23:12-14, 18

Don't do any work on the day of atonement or God will destroy you. 23:29-30

A man curses and blasphemes while disputing with another man. Moses asks God what to do about it. God says that the whole community must stone him to death. "And the children of Israel did as the Lord and Moses commanded." 24:10-23

Anyone who blasphemes or curses shall be stoned to death by the entire community. 24:16

"He that killeth any man shall surely be put to death." 24:17

"If a man cause a blemish in his neighbour; as he hath done, so shall it be done to him." 24:19

"Breach for breach, eye for eye, tooth for tooth: as he hath caused a blemish in a man, so shall it be done to him again." 24:20

"He that killeth a man, he shall be put to death." 24:21

God tells the Israelites to make slaves out of their neighbors and their families. The "heathens" and "strangers" are to be their possessions forever. 25:44-46

God tells the Israelites to "chase" their enemies and make them "fall before you by the sword." He figures five of the Israelites will be able to "chase" a hundred of their enemies, and a hundred will be able to "put ten thousand to flight." 26:7-8

If you don't follow all of the laws in the Old Testament, God will shower you with all of the curses in the next 25 verses. 26:14-15

"I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it." 26:16

"I will set my face against you, and ye shall be slain before your enemies." 26:17

"I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins." 26:21

"I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children, and destroy your cattle." 26:22

"I will bring a sword upon you ... I will send the pestilence among you; and ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy." 26:25

"And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat." 26:29

"I will ... cast your carcases upon the carcases of your idols, and my soul shall abhor you." 26:30

"And I will make your cities waste." 26:31

"And I will bring the land into desolation". 26:32

"And I will scatter you among the heathen, and will draw out a sword after you: and your land shall be desolate, and your cities waste." 26:33

"And they shall fall one upon another, as it were before a sword, when none pursueth: and ye shall have no power to stand before your enemies." 26:37

"And ye shall perish among the heathen, and the land of your enemies shall eat you up." 26:38

All "devoted" things (both man and beast) "shall surely be put to death." 27:28-29

Numbers

God shows his hospitality with the admonition: "The stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death." 1:51, 3:10, 3:38

Two of Aaron's sons are killed by God for "offering strange fire before the Lord." 3:4

Don't touch or "go in to see when the holy things are covered." God kills people who touch or look at covered holy things. 4:15, 20

God tells the people to expel from camp "every leper, every one that hath an issue, and whoever is defiled by the dead." So by God's instructions, the sick are abandoned and left to suffer and die alone. 5:1-4

"He shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons, to the priest ... and the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering." 6:10-11

"He ... shall bring a lamb of the first year for a trespass offering." 6:12

"He shall offer his offering unto the LORD, one he lamb of the first year without blemish for a burnt offering, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish for a sin offering, and one ram without blemish for peace offerings." 6:14

"The priest shall bring them before the LORD, and shall offer his sin offering, and his burnt offering." 616:

"The priest shall offer also his meat offering." 6:17

"And the priest shall take the sodden shoulder of the ram." 619:

"And the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD: this is holy for the priest, with the wave breast and heave shoulder." 6:20

 

[fishbuff]

When Moses set up the tabernacle, each of the twelve tribes kills a bullock, lamb, ram, and a kid, two oxen, and five rams, goats, and lambs for God, for a grand total of 240 animal sacrifices. 7:15-88

"The Levites shall lay their hands upon the heads of the bullocks: and thou shalt offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering." 8:8-12

All firstborn Israelites, "both man and beast", belong to God. He got them the day that he killed every Egyptian firstborn child and animal. 8:17

"And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord heard it (He had his hearing aid on.) .... and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them."
God burned the complainers alive. That'll teach them! 11:1-2

"And wile the flesh [of the quails] was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the Lord was kindled against the people, and the Lord smote the people with a very great plague. "The Bible isn't too clear about what these poor folks did to upset God so much; all it says is that they had "lusted." 11:33

Miriam and Aaron (Moses' brother and sister) criticize Moses for marrying an Ethiopian woman and thus breaking the law of God. But God makes it clear that his rules don't apply to his favorites, and he strikes Miriam with leprosy. Notice that only Miriam is punished, though both she and Aaron complained. 12:1, 9-10

God tells Moses that he is going to kill all of the Israelites -- every last whining one of the them, and then make a whole bunch of brand new Israelites. 14:12

God punishes the children for the failings of their great-great grandfathers. 14:18

So Moses talked God out of killing everyone. He'll just see to it that no one over 20 years old survives the trip to Israel. Their "carcases shall fall in the wilderness." 14:20-35

God killed the ten spies that gave a discouraging report with a plague. 14:36-37

"Ye shall fall by the sword: because ye are turned away from the LORD ... Then the Amalekites and the Canaanites ... smote them." 14:43-45

God gives more instructions for the ritualistic killing of animals. The smell of burning flesh is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 15:3, 13-14, 24

The Israelites find a man picking up sticks on the sabbath. God commands them to kill him by throwing rocks at him. 15:32-36

Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment."
God warns everyone to get away; he's going to kill some more people. 16:20-21

"Hereby ye shall know that the LORD hath sent me ... if the LORD make ... the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit..."
Moses tells the people that if the ground opens up and swallows the rebels and their families, then you'll know that God's on his side. 16:28-30

"The earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses, and all the men that appertained unto Korah ... They ... went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them." 16:31-33

"And there came out a fire from the LORD, and consumed the two hundred and fifty men that offered incense." 16:35

After God killed Korah, his family, and 250 innocent bystanders, the people complained saying, "ye have killed the people of the Lord." So God, who doesn't take kindly to criticism, sends a plague on the people. And "they that died in the plague were 14,700." 16:41-50

"Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment."
God threatens (again) to kill everyone (but his special friends, Moses and Aaron). 16:44-45

"For there is wrath gone out from the LORD; the plague is begun ... they that died in the plague were fourteen thousand and seven hundred." 16:46-49

"Thou shalt quite take away their murmurings from me, that they die not." God threatens to kill those who murmur. 17:10

God threatens to kill those who murmur. To which the people reply, "Behold, we die, we perish, we all perish .... Shall we be consumed with dying?" 17:12-13

"They shall not come nigh the vessels of the sanctuary and the altar, that neither they, nor ye also, die."
Stay away from holy things and places -- like churches. God might have to kill you if you get too close. 18:3

God shows us how to make new friends by saying : "The stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death." 18:7

God describes once again the procedure for ritualistic animal sacrifices. such rituals must be extremely important to God, since he makes their performance a "statute" and "covenant" forever. 18:17-19

"Neither must the children of Israel henceforth come nigh the tabernacle of the congregation, lest they bear sin, and die." 18:22

"Neither shall ye pollute the holy things of the children of Israel, lest ye die." 18:32

"This is the ordinance of the law which the LORD hath commanded."
These absurd rituals, cruel sacrifices, and unjust punishments are vitally important to God. They are to be "a perpetual statute" for everyone on earth. 19:1-22

"Take of her blood with his finger, and sprinkle ... seven times."
God's instructions for putting blood on fingers, sprinkling it around, and then burning the dung of sacrificial animals. This is something that everyone needs to know about. (That's why it's in the Bible!). 19:4-5

"And the Lord hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and their cities." This verse demonstrates the power of prayer: If you ask God, he will destroy entire cities for you. 21:3

God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many of them die. 21:6

God delivers the Amorites into Moses' hands. (You're in God hands with Moses.) So Moses does the usual thing, killing everyone "until their was none left alive." 21:34-35

God's people will kill like a lion and then "drink the blood of the slain." 23:24

God, who is as strong as a unicorn, will eat up the nations, break their bones, and then pierce them through with his arrows. What a guy! 24:8

After the people "commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab," Moses has them all killed. Then God tells Moses to hang their dead bodies up in front of him; God says that this will satisfy him. 25:1-5

When one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman, "Phinehas (Aaron's grandson) sees them and throws a spear "through the man .. and the woman through her belly." This act pleases God so much that "the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." But not before 24,000 had died. 25:6-9

For impaling the interracial couple, God rewards Phinehas and his sons with the everlasting priesthood. 25:10-13

God tells Moses how to care for his neighbors by saying: "Vex the Midianites, and smite them." 25:16-17

The ground swallow Korah and his companions and a fire consumes 250 men. 26:10

"And Nadab and Abihu died when they offered strange fire before the Lord." When you go camping avoid making any unusual fires. 26:61

In these chapters, God provides ridiculously detailed instructions for the ritualistic sacrifice of animals. The burning of their dead bodies smells great to God. Eleven times in these two chapters God says that they are to him a "sweet savour." 28 - 29

Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses learns that they left some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." So they went back and did as Moses (and presumably God) instructed, killing everyone except for the virgins. In this way they got 32,000 virgins -- Wow! (Even God gets some of the booty -- including the virgins.) 31:1-54

"The prey that was taken, both of man and of beast" was offered as a "heave offering of the LORD." 31:26-29

"Every man armed for war, before the LORD to battle" 32:27

God killed all the Egyptian firstborn. 33:4

God tells Moses to exterminate the residents of Canaan and destroy all of their religious symbols and possessions. 33:50-52

But if the Israelites don't kill them all, then God will make them pricks in their eyes and thorns in their sides. And he will do unto the Israelites as he planned to do to the inhabitants of Canaan. 33:55-56

"The revenger of blood himself shall slay the murderer: when he meeteth him, he shall slay him." The "revenger of blood" (the victim's closest relative) must murder the murderer just as soon as he sees him. 35:19, 21

"But if the slayer shall at any time come without the border of the city of his refuge ... and the revenger of blood kill the slayer; he shall not be guilty of blood. Because he should have remained in the city of his refuge until the death of the high priest" If the accidental killer leaves the city of refuge and is caught by the revenger of blood, then the revenger can legally kill the accidental killer. 35:26-28

"Whoso killeth any person, the murderer shall be put to death." 35:30

"The land cannot be cleansed of the blood that is shed therein, but by the blood of him that shed it." 35:33

 

[fishbuff]

Deuteronomy

"God ... shall fight for you." 1:30

"The hand of the LORD was against them, to destroy them from among the host, until they were consumed."
God killed all the Israelite soldiers -- slowly. It took him 38 years to kill them all, but he finally got the job done. 2:14-16

"A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time ... but the Lord destroyed them." 2:20

"The Lord destroyed them before them" -- the general treatment of the people who were supposedly displaced by the Israelites. 2:21-22

"I have given into thine hand Sihon the Amorite, king of Heshbon, and his land: begin to possess it, and contend with him in battle." 2:24

All nations shall be terrorized by the followers of Yahweh. 2:25

God hardened the heart of the king of Heshbon and so that he could have him and all of his people killed. 2:30

At God's instructions, the Israelites "utterly destroyed the men, women, and the little ones" leaving "none to remain." 2:33-36

The Israelites, with God's help, kill all the men, women, and children of every city. 3:3-6

"And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city." 3:6

Moses promises Joshua that God will massacre kings and kingdoms for him, too. 3:21

When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he shall fight for you." 3:22

"What God is there in heaven or in earth, that can do according to thy works?" What other God can kill so many people? 3:24

God destroyed the followers of Baalpeor. 4:3

God brought the Israelites out of Egypt "by war ... and by great terrors." 4:34

If someone makes an image of anything (like a bird or flower) then God will destroy the entire nation. 4:25-26

If you worship the wrong god, God will get jealous and kill you. 6:15

God instructs the Israelites to kill, without mercy, all the inhabitants (strangers) of the land that they conquer. 7:2

If you do show any mercy to such strangers, "give your daughters to any of them, or "take" any of their daughters, then you'll get God so angry that he'll "destroy thee suddenly." 7:4

God will kill those who hate him. 7:10

God commands his people to "consume all the people which the Lord thy God shall deliver thee; thine eye shall have no pity on them." 7:16

God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy God is among you, a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23

"The LORD thy God shall deliver them unto thee, and shall destroy them with a mighty destruction, until they be destroyed." 7:23

"If thou do at all forget the LORD thy God, and walk after other gods ... ye shall surely perish." 8:19-20

God is "a consuming fire" that destroys people. 9:3

"The blood of sacrifices shall be poured out ... and thou shalt eat the flesh." Isn't this the sort of thing that Satanists are accused of doing? 12:27

After God kills those of other faiths, be sure to reject their beliefs and do not learn about them. Otherwise God will have to kill you too. 12:30

Prophets and dreamers are to be executed if they say or dream the wrong things. 13:1-5

If your brother, son, daughter, wife, or friend tries to get you to worship another god, "thou shalt surely kill him, thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death." 13:6-10

If you hear of a city where another god is worshiped, then destroy everyone in the city (even the cattle) and burn it down. (Watch out Salt Lake!) 13:12-16

Kill everyone who has religious beliefs that are different from your own. 17:2-7

Anyone who will not listen to a priest or a judge must be executed. 17:12-13

False prophets are to be (you guessed it) executed. How do you know who is a false prophet? By whether or not their predictions come true. (Watch out Jehovah's Witnesses!) 18:20

A murderer is to be killed by "the avenger of blood," which is the victim's nearest relative. "And thine eye shall not pity" them. 19:11-13

False witnesses are to be execucuted. 19:18-19

"And thine eye shall not pity. Life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot." 19:21

God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4

In the cities that god "delivers into thine hands" you must kill all the males (including old men, boys, and babies) with "the edge of the sword .... But the women ... shalt thou take unto yourself." 20:13

"But of the cities ... which the Lord thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth." Kill the old men and women, the sick and the dying, the blind and the lame, pregnant mothers, nursing mothers, infants, toddlers, and babies. 20:16

If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all the elders together, cut off the head of a heifer, wash your hands over its body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!) 21:1-8

If you have a "stubborn and rebellious son," then you and the other men in your neighborhood "shall stone him with stones that he die." 21:18-21

Hang on trees the bodies of those who are "accursed of God." They make nice decorations. 21:22

If a man marries, then decides that he hates his wife, he can claim she wasn't a virgin when they were married. If her father can't produce the "tokens of her virginity" (bloody sheets), then the woman is to be stoned to death at her father's doorstep. 22:13-21

"If a man be found lying with a woman married to a husband, then they shall both of them die." 22:22

If a betrothed virgin is raped in the city and doesn't cry out loud enough, then "the men of the city shall stone her to death." 22:23-24

Legal disputes are settled by a judge who determines guilt or innocence. No lawyers or jury are needed. Those found guilty will be beaten with 40 stripes. 25:1-3

If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12

God commands the Israelites to "blot out the rembrance of Amalek from under heaven." A few hundred years later God orders Saul to kill of the Amalekites "both man and woman, infant and suckling." (1 Sam.15:2-3) 25:19

If you don't obey all of the laws that are given in the Old Testament, God shower you with the curses that are given in the next 52 verses. 28:16-68

"Cursed shall be the fruit of thy body." 28:18

"The LORD shall send upon thee cursing, vexation, and rebuke, in all that thou settest thine hand unto for to do, until thou be destroyed, and until thou perish quickly." 28:20

"The LORD shall make the pestilence cleave unto thee, until he have consumed thee." 28:21

"The LORD shall make the rain of thy land powder and dust: from heaven shall it come down upon thee, until thou be destroyed." 28:24

"The LORD shall cause thee to be smitten before thine enemies." 28:25

"And thy carcass shall be meat to all the fowls of the air, and no man shall fray them away." 28:26

"The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst be healed." 28:27

"The Lord will smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart." 28:28

"And thou shalt grope at noonday, as the blind gropeth in darkness, and thou shalt not prosper in thy ways: and thou shalt be only oppressed and spoiled evermore, and no man shall save thee." 28:29

"Thine ox shall be slain before thine eyes ... thine ass shall be violently taken away." 28:31

"Thy sons and thy daughters shall be given unto another people." 28:32

"The fruit of thy land, and all thy labours, shall a nation which thou knowest not eat up; and thou shalt be only oppressed and crushed." 28:33

You will be enslaved and driven mad in another country. 28:33-34

"The Lord will smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the top of thy head." 28:35

You will be ruled by other nations, forced to serve other gods, become a laughingstock among your neighbors, have your crops destroyed by locusts, your vines eaten by worms, and have fruitless olive trees. 28:36-40

"Thou shalt begat sons and daughters, but thou shall not enjoy them; for they shall go into captivity." 28:41

"All these curses shall come upon thee ... and upon thy seed for ever." 28:48-49

God will enslave you and destroy you with hunger, thirst, hardship, and all kinds of deprivation. 28:48-52

"And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters." 28:53

"So that the man that is tender among you, and very delicate, his eye shall be evil toward his brother, and toward the wife of his bosom, and toward the remnant of his children which he shall leave: So that he will not give to any of them of the flesh of his children whom he shall eat." 28:54-55

"The tender and delicate woman" will be forced to eat her own children "that cometh out from between her feet." 28:56-57

"If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book. Then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful, and the plagues of thy seed ... Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will the LORD bring upon thee, until thou be destroyed." 28:58-61

If the Jews don't follow God's laws he'll have most of them killed. 28:62

"The LORD will rejoice over you to destroy you, and to bring you to nought." 28:63

"And the LORD shall scatter thee among all people, from the one end of the earth even unto the other; and there thou shalt serve other gods." 28:64

"The LORD shall give thee there a trembling heart, and failing of eyes, and sorrow of mind." 28:65

"And thy life shall hang in doubt before thee; and thou shalt fear day and night, and shalt have none assurance of thy life." 28:66

"In the morning thou shalt say, Would God it were even! and at even thou shalt say, Would God it were morning! for the fear of thine heart wherewith thou shalt fear, and for the sight of thine eyes which thou shalt see." 28:67

God will have you sold to your enemies -- but even they won't buy you. 28:68

If you serve the gods of other nations, "all the curses that are in this book" will fall upon you. 29:18-20

If you follow your own heart, God will curse you with all the curses in Deuteronomy 28:15-68. 29:19-20

"And the Lord will put all these curses upon thine enemies." See Dt.28:16-64 for some of the curses God has in mind. 30:7

Moses tells the people that God will destroy all the inhabitants of the lands that they pass through. 31:3

When God gets mad -- watch out! He'll starve you to death, burn you with fire, and send vicious beasts to devour you. He'll "destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs." Not even the helpless and innocent are spared by this psychotic God. 32:21-26

"For a fire is kindled in mine anger, and shall burn unto the lowest hell, and shall consume the earth with her increase, and set on fire the foundations of the mountains." 32:22

"I will heap mischiefs upon them; I will spend mine arrows upon them." 32:23

"They shall be burnt with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction: I will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of the dust." 32:24

"The sword without, and terror within, shall destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs." 32:25

"I said, I would scatter them into corners, I would make the remembrance of them to cease from among men." 32:26

God says, "To me belongeth vengeance, and recompense ... for the day of their destruction is at hand." 32:35

God says, "I kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh." Someone should take his sword and arrows away, at least until he's feeling better. 32:39-43

 

[fishbuff]

Joshua

"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."
Donald Rumsfeld sent this verse to inspire the troops during the 2003 invasion of Iraq. 1:9

God "magnifies" Joshua and promises to "without fail" drive out all the inhabitants of the lands through which they passed. 3:7

"And the city shall be accursed ... and all that therein, to the Lord: only Rahab the harlot shall live." God explains that Rahab is to be spared since she hid Joshua's spies and lied to those who were searching for them (2:4-5). But why was everyone else killed? Some of them were probably liars too. 6:17

"And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword." 6:21

After killing everyone, "they burnt the city with fire, and all that was therein." Only the valuables (silver, gold, brass, and iron) did they keep to "put into the treasury of the house of the Lord." 6:24

Joshua says that those who try to rebuild Jericho will be accursed by God, and will have to sacrifice both their oldest and their youngest sons in its construction. Well, Jericho still exists today, and is often considered to be the world's oldest, continuously occupied city. 6:26

God tells Joshua to kill whoever took "the accursed thing." 7:10-12

If you happen to see "the accursed thing," don't touch it. If you do, you, your family, and all of your animals must be burned. 7:15

"And Joshua ... took Achan ... and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his sheep... And all of Israel stoned them with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones." This is because Achan "took of the accursed thing" -- whatever that means. But why would God require that Achan's sons and daughters (and even his animals) be stoned to death along with him? The Bible doesn't say. But it does tell us that "the Lord turned from the fierceness of his anger" when Achan, his children, and his animals were stoned to death and their dead bodies burned. 7:24-26

"When ye have taken the city [Ai] ... ye shall set the city on fire: according to the commandment of the LORD. 8:8

"They smote them, so that they let none of them remain or escape." 8:22

"When Israel had made an end of slaying all the inhabitants of Ai in the field ... all the Israelites returned unto Ai, and smote it with the edge of the sword." 8:24

"All that fell that day, both of men and women, were twelve thousand." 8:25

Joshua hangs the king of Ai on a tree until evening. 8:29

After Joshua kills all the inhabitants of Ai, burns their city, and hangs their king on a tree, he kills some animals and burns them as a "peace offering" to his warlike God. 8:31

God curses the Gibeonites to be slaves of the Jews forever. 9:21-27

"And the LORD said unto Joshua, Fear them not: for I have delivered them into thine hand."
God delivers the Amorites into Joshua's hand (so he can kill them all). 10:8

"And the LORD discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way."
God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them along the way. 10:10

"The LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them ... and they died."
As the Amorites try to escape, God sends down huge hailstones and kills even more of them. 10:11

In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. 10:12-13

God tells Joshua to "pursue after your enemies and smite the hindmost of them." (Kick their butts.) Don't let any of them escape "for the Lord your God hath delivered them into your hand." 10:19

Joshua tells his captains to "put your feet upon the necks of these kings." He says, "thus shall the Lord do to all of your enemies." Then Joshua kills the kings and hangs them on trees. 10:24-26

"Put your feet upon the necks of these kings." 10:24

"Thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies." 10:25

"Joshua smote them, and slew them, and hanged them on five trees." 10:25

Joshua, at God's command, kills everyone and everything that he can find (including babies and little children)-- or, as the Bible puts it, he "utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the Lord commanded." 10:28-32

"Joshua ... smote it with the edge of the sword ... and all the souls that were therein; he let none remain." 10:28

"Then Joshua ... fought against Libnah: And the LORD delivered it also ... and he smote it with the edge of the sword, and all the souls that were therein; he let none remain in it." 10:29-30

"The LORD delivered Lachish into the hand of Israel, which ... smote it with the edge of the sword, and all the souls that were therein." 10:32

Then Horam king of Gezer came up to help Lachish; and Joshua smote him and his people, until he had left him none remaining." 10:33

"Joshua passed unto Eglon ... and smote it with the edge of the sword, and all the souls that were therein he utterly destroyed." 10:34-35

"Joshua went ... unto Hebron ... and smote it with the edge of the sword ... and all the cities ... and all the souls that were therein; he left none remaining." 10:36-37

"Joshua returned ... to Debir ... And he took it ... and all the cities ... and they smote them with the edge of the sword, and utterly destroyed all the souls that were therein; he left none remaining."10:38-39

"So Joshua ... left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the LORD God of Israel commanded." 10:40

"All these kings and their land did Joshua take at one time, because the LORD God of Israel fought for Israel." 10:42

God delivers the Hazorites into Joshua's hand, and he knows just what to do with them: he smites them all with (you guessed it) the edge of the sword until "there was not any left to breathe." 11:6-17

"And the LORD delivered them into the hand of Israel, who smote them ... and they smote them, until they left them none remaining." 11:8

"And Joshua did unto them as the LORD bade him: he houghed their horses." 11:9

"Joshua ... smote the king thereof with the sword." 11:10

"And they smote all the souls that were therein with the edge of the sword, utterly destroying them: there was not any left to breathe." 11:11

"And all the cities of those kings, and all the kings of them, did Joshua take, and smote them with the edge of the sword, and he utterly destroyed them, as Moses the servant of the LORD commanded." 11:12

"Every man they smote with the edge of the sword, until they had destroyed them, neither left they any to breathe." 11:14

"As the LORD commanded Moses his servant, so did Moses command Joshua, and so did Joshua; he left nothing undone of all that the LORD commanded Moses." 11:15

"So Joshua took ... all their kings ... and smote them, and slew them." 11:16-17

"For it was of the Lord to harden their hearts, that they should come against Israel in battle, that he might destroy them utterly." Notice that God hardens their hearts so that he can have an excuse to kill them. 11:20

"Joshua destroyed them utterly with their cities." 11:21

Caleb offers to give his daughter to whoever conquers the city of Debir. Caleb's nephew wins the contest and is given his cousin for a prize. 15:16-17

"Did not Achan son of Zerah commit a trespass in the accursed thing, and wrath fell on all the congregation of Israel?" To find out see Joshua 7:1-26. 22:20

"I plagued Egypt." 24:5

God brags about drowning the Egyptians. 24:7

"I gave them [the Amorites] into your hand, that ye might possess their land; and I destroyed them from before you." 24:8

"I delivered them into your hand." 24:11

God sent hornets to fight for the Israelites. 24:12

God is jealous and will never forgive you for your sins. "He will turn and do you hurt, and consume you." 24:19-20

Judges

God appoints Judah to succeed Joshua. The Lord delivers his foes into his hands and another 10,000 are slain. In the process, they capture Adonibezek and "cut off his thumbs and great toes." Nice guys. 1:2-6

The LORD delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites into their hand: and they slew of them in Bezek ten thousand men." 1:4

"They slew the Canaanites that inhabited Zephath, and utterly destroyed it ... And the Lord was with Judah." (You can tell by the number of innocent people he killed.) 1:17, 19

The Israelite spies killed everyone in Bethel, except for the man (and his family) who showed them how to enter the city. 1:25

"The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD strengthened Eglon the king of Moab against Israel ... So the children of Israel served Eglon the king of Moab eighteen years." 3:12-14

Ehud delivers a "message from God" to the king of Moab. God's message consists of a knife thrust so deeply into the king's belly that it could not be extracted, "and the dirt came out." Just another lovely Bible story. 3:15-22

God "delivers" more folks into the hands of his chosen people. "And they slew of Moab ... about 10,000 men ... and their escaped not a man." 3:28-29

Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Praise God. 3:31

"The Lord shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman." 4:9

"The Lord discomfited Sisera ... with the edge of the sword ... and there was not a man left." 4:15-16

Jael (our heroine) offers food and shelter to a traveler (Sisera, Jabin's captain), saying "turn in my Lord ... fear not." Then after giving him a glass of milk and tucking him in, she drives a tent stake through his head. "So God subdued on that day Jabin." 4:17-23

For murdering her guest while he slept, Jael is "blessed above women." (Hail Jael, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women....?) 5:24-26

"So let all thine enemies perish, O Lord." (Let them all have their temples pierced by blessed women.) 5:31

"The children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD delivered them into the hand of Midian seven years."
God forces the Israelites to be slaves to the Midianites for seven years. 6:1

"The LORD said unto him, Surely I will be with thee, and thou shalt smite the Midianites as one man." God promises to help Gideon kill all the Midianites. 6:16

"The second bullock was offered upon the altar." 6:28

When Gideon and his water-lapping companions blow their trumpets, God forces all the enemy soldiers to kill each other, killing 120,000. 7:22, 8:10

Two princes are killed and their heads are brought to Gideon. 7:25

For refusing to feed him and his army, Gideon swears that he'll tear the flesh off the elders of Succoth. (And he carries out his threat in verse 16.) 8:7

"He took the elders of the city, and thorns of the wilderness and briers, and with them he taught the men of Succoth." 8:16

"He beat down the tower of Penuel, and slew the men of the city." 8:17

Gideon orders his son to kill two kings, but he refuses. So Gideon has to do it himself since his son isn't "man" enough to do it. 8:20-21

Abimelech kills 69 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.) 9:5

The curse of Jotham: "Let fire come out from Abimelech, and devour the men of Shechem." (See 9:57) 9:20

God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal treacherously with each other. 9:23-24

"And all the evil of the men of Shechem did God render upon their heads: and upon them came the curse of Jotham the son of Jerubbaal."
God had one thousand men and women burned to death to punish them for supporting Abimelech rather than Jotham. 9:57

"God ... delivered Sihon and all his people into the hand of Israel, and they smote them: so Israel possessed all the land of the Amorites." 11:21

"Whomsoever the LORD our God shall drive out from before us, them will we [the Israelites] possess." 11:24

When "the spirit of the Lord" comes upon Jephthah, he makes a deal with God: If God will help him kill the Ammonites, then he (Jephthah) will offer to God as a burnt offering whatever comes out of his house to greet him. God keeps his end of the deal by providing Jephthah with "a very great slaughter." But when Jephthah returns, his nameless daughter comes out to greet him (who'd he expect, his wife?). Well, a deal's a deal, so he delivers her to God as a burnt offering -- after letting her spend a couple of months going up and down on the mountains bewailing her virginity. 11:29-39

"The LORD delivered them into his hands ... And he smote them ... even twenty cities ... with a very great slaughter." 11:32-33

"Her father ... did with her according to his vow which he had vowed." 11:39

42,000 Ephraimites fail the "shibboleth" test and are killed by Jephthah's army. 12:6

"Manoah took a kid with a meat offering, and offered it upon a rock unto the LORD." 13:19

Samson's lust for the Philistine woman was "of the Lord." It was all a part of God's plan for killing Philistines. 14:4

Samson rips up a young lion when "the spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him." 14:5

"And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men ... and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle."
When the Spirit of the Lord came upon Samson, he killed 30 men at random and took their clothes and gave it to the guys at the party as a prize for guessing his riddle.
(Samson might have been a decent person if he could have kept the spirit of the Lord off him.) 14:19

Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire; the Philistines burn Samson's ex-wife and father-in-law; and Samson smites them "hip and thigh with a great slaughter." 15:4-8

"The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon" Samson and "he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and took it, and slew 1000 men therewith." 15:14-15

Samson, with God's help, kills himself and 3000 Philistine men and women by causing a roof to collapse, setting an example for Bible-based terrorism. 16:27-30

After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel 19:22-30

"I took my concubine, and cut her in pieces, and sent her throughout all the country."
The Levite tells everyone his story (leaving out the part about how he gave his concubine to the mob to do with as they pleased), explaining the mysterious rotting body part messages that brought everyone in Israel together. 20:4-6

After the Benjamites refuse to turn over the men from Gibeah (the town that wanted to have sex with the Levite but settled for his concubine instead), the Israelites asked God which tribe should go to war with them. God said the tribe of Judah should go first. So Judah goes to war, but the Benjamites with their sharp shooting lefties kill 22,000 Israelites. 20:18-21

After 22,000 Israelites were killed by the Benjamites, they cry all day before the Lord. Then they ask God (again) if they should go to war against Benjamin. God said yes, so they try it again, and another 18,000 Israelites are killed. 20:23-25

Once again all of the Israelites sit and weep before God, and ask again (for the third time) if they should attack the Benjamites. God give them his usual answer: Attack. This time he promises (he was just kidding the last couple times) that he "will deliver them into thine hand." 20:26-28

God helps the Israelites kill 25,100 Benjamites. 20:35

The Israelites killed everyone in the city with the edge of the sword. 20:37

Another 25,000 Benjamites are killed by the God-assisted Israelites. 20:44-46

The Israelites finish their massacre of the Benjamites by killing all the men, animals, and everything they could find in every Benjamite city. Then they burned the cities to the ground. (In this way God helped the Israelites make everything better after the rape and dismemberment of the concubine.) 20:48

Here's what the Israelites decide to do. They will go and kill everyone in Jabeshgilead except for the virgin women and give them to the 600 surviving Benjamites. 21:11

 

[fishbuff]

1 Samuel

"The Lord killeth ..." -- every chance he gets. 2:6, 2:25

"The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; out of heaven shall he thunder upon them." If God doesn't like you, he'll send a thunderstorm your way to break your body into little pieces. 2:10

"Because the LORD would slay them."
Eli's sons didn't listen to him, because God had already decided to kill them. (Which he does in 1 Sam.4:11.) 2:25

"A man of God unto Eli, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD ... I will cut off thine arm... There shall not be an old man in thine house for ever ... I shall ... consume thine eyes and ... grieve thine heart."
A "man of God" tells Eli that God will "consume his eyes" and "grieve his heart" and make sure that all of his decendants will die young" because of the stuff his sons did. 2:27-32

"And this shall be a sign unto thee, that shall come upon thy two sons, on Hophni and Phinehas; in one day they shall die both of them."
God says he'll kill his two sons as a sign to him. (Just ot remind him of the nasty things he plans to do to him and his descendants to punish him for what his sons did.) 2:34

God will punish Eli's descendants forever for the sins of Eli's sons. 3:12-13

"The two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were slain."
God killed Eli's sons as he promised to do. (See 2:25 and 34) 4:11

God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 5:6-12

God kills 50,070 men for looking into the ark. "And the people lamented, because the Lord had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter." 6:19

"And Samuel took a sucking lamb, and offered it for a burnt offering wholly unto the LORD." 7:9

The LORD thundered with a great thunder on that day upon the Philistines, and discomfited them; and they were smitten before Israel." 7:10-11

"And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel." People do the darnedest things when the spirit of God comes upon them! 11:6-7

"Saul ... slew the Ammorites unto the heat of the day." Then he took a little break. After all, killing is hard work. 11:11

To day the LORD hath wrought salvation in Israel."
God saved the Israelites by slaughtering the Ammonites. 11:13

"Saul said, Bring hither a burnt offering to me, and peace offerings. And he offered the burnt offering." 13:9

God delivers the Philistines into Jonathan's hand. And his very "first slaughter ... was about twenty men." Not bad for a first slaughter. 14:12

Under God's influence, the Philistines killed each other. 14:20

"So the LORD saved Israel that day."
God saved Israel by forcing Philistines to kill each other. 14:23

But later, Saul and his army kill all of those who had not already been killed. 14:36

God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants, sucklings, ox, sheep, camels, and asses. Why? Because God remembers what Amalek did hundreds of years ago. 15:2-3

Saul killed everyone but Agag (the king) and the best of the animals. But still God was furious with Saul for not killing everything as he had been told to do. He said, "it repenteth me that I have set Saul up to be king." 15:7-26

Saul is rebuked by Samuel for "doing evil in the sight of the Lord" by failing to kill all of the Amalekites. 15:18-19

Because Saul didn't kill everyone as God commanded, God changes his mind about him being king. 15:23-26

To please God, Samuel hacks Agag in pieces "before the Lord" [I bet God enjoyed that!] -- after Agag pleads with him saying, "surely the bitterness of death has past." 15:32-34

After God rejects Saul for refusing to kill indiscriminately, he sends Samuel to find another king. David is chosen and anointed by Samuel, and "the spirit of the Lord came upon him from that day forward." 16:13

The evil spirit from the Lord
"But the spirit of the Lord departed from Saul [since he was not murderous enough for God], and an evil spirit from the Lord troubled him." But if God is good, then how could he have an evil spirit? 16:14-16, 23

David kills Goliath with his sling, beheads him, and carries the head back to Jerusalem. 17:51-57

David and Saul have a contest to see who can kill the most people for God, and the women act as cheerleaders saying, "Saul has killed his thousands, and David his tens of thousands." 18:6-7, 21:11, 29:5

David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27

"David went out, and fought with the Philistines, and slew them with a great slaughter." 19:8

Saul kills 85 priests of Nob and all men, women, children, and animals in the city of Nob. 22:18-19

"David inquired of the Lord, saying, Shall I go and smite these Philistines? And the Lord said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines." 23:2

"Then David enquired of the LORD yet again. And the LORD answered him and said ... I will deliver the Philistines into thine hand." 23:4

"So David ... fought with the Philistines ... and smote them with a great slaughter." 23:5

"If I leave ... any that pisseth against the wall."
David vows to will kill Nabal and all his men (or as he put it, "any that pisseth against the wall".) 25:22

"Except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall."
If Abigail hadn't come and paid him off, David would have killed Nabal and any of his people "that pisseth against the wall". 25:34

"And it came to pass about ten days after, that the Lord smote Nabal, that he died." This was convenient for David who then took his property and his wife, Abigail. 25:38

"When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed be the LORD ... And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife." 25:39

"And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No wonder God liked David so much!) 27:8-11

Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings Samuel back from the dead. Samuel once again explains that God is angry at Saul for not killing all of the Amalekites. He says God is going to deliver all of Israel into the hands of the Philistines. (Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people, God will slaughter the Israelites. Fair is fair.) 28:8-19

"Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore hath the LORD done this thing unto thee this day." 28:18

"The LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow shalt thou and thy sons be with me."
God sent a message to Saul (through a dead man brought back to life by a witch) was that tomorrow God would make sure that the Philistines kill him and his sons (to punish Saul for not killing all the Amalekites like God told him to in 1 Samuel 15:3). 28:19

The Philistine leaders didn't trust David, even though David had committed many genocides for them. They had heard about how the Israelite dancing girls used to sing about David's killings, singing, "Saul has killed his thousands, and David his tens of thousands." So they worried that David could not be trusted to kill his own people. But they were wrong about that. David was always willing to kill anyone at anytime for any reason whatsoever. That's why God loved him so much. 29:5

"David said unto Achish, But what have I done ... that I may not go fight against the enemies of my lord the king?"
David was disappointed. He wanted to go kill Israelites with the Philistines. 29:8

"David smote them from the twilight even unto the evening of the next day: and there escaped not a man of them, save four hundred young men."
David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites. He kills all of them except for 400 that escaped on camels. (See 1 Sam.15:7-8 and 27:8-9 for the last two times they were exterminated.) 30:17

"Now the Philistines fought against Israel; and the men of Israel fled from before the Philistines, and fell down slain in mount Gilboa."
God used the Philistines to kill the Israelite soldiers to punish Saul for not killing all the Amalekites. (See 1 Samuel 28:19) 31:1

"The Philistines slew Jonathan, and Abinadab, and Melchishua, Saul's sons."
God had the Philistines kill Saul's sons to punish him for not killing all the Amalekites. See 1 Samuel 28:19) 31:2

"So Saul died, and his three sons, and his armourbearer, and all his men, that same day together." 31:6

They cut off his head ... and sent into the land of the Philistines round about ... and they fastened his body to the wall of Bethshan." Was this a part of Saul's punishment for not killing all the Amalekites? 31:9-10

2 Samuel

David tells one of his "young men" to kill the Amalekite messenger who claimed to have mercifully killed Saul at Saul's own request. 1:15

Joab and Abner watch as the young men "play" a cruel game. "And they caught every one his fellow by the head, and thrust his sword in his fellow side, so they fell down together." 2:14

Abner smites Asahel "under the fifth rib." 2:23
(It seems that in 2 Samuel this is the preferred place to get smitten. 3:27, 4:6, 20:10)

When Joab (David's captain) kills Abner (by smiting him under the fifth rib of course), David says that he and his kingdom are not responsible. The blame, he says, lays with Joab. So David curses Joab, his family, and their descendants forever. Let them all be plagued with venereal diseases and leprosy, starve to death, commit suicide, or lean on staves. (The Revised Standard Version translates "leaneth on a staff" as "holds a spindle," apparently meaning effeminate -- real men don't spin or weave.) 3:27-29

Some of David's men kill Saul's son (by smiting him under the fifth rib, of course) and bring his head to David, thinking that he'll be pleased. But he wasn't. David has the assassins killed, their hands and feet chopped off, and their bodies hung up (for decorations?) over the pool in Hebron. 4:6-7

Whoever kills the lame and the blind will be David's "chief and captain." 5:8

"David ... grew great, and the LORD God of hosts was with him." 5:10

David asks God if he should kill some more Philistines. God says yes, and he'll even help. So David and God "smote the Philistines" again. 5:19

"David smote them there, and said, The LORD hath broken forth upon mine enemies before me."
God helps David slaughter his enemies. 5:20

"When thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees ... then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines." 5:24

"And David did so, as the LORD had commanded him; and smote the Philistines." 5:25

Uzzah tries to keep the ark from falling off the cart, and God kills him for it. I guess it was God's way of saying Thanks. 6:6-7

"I was with thee whithersoever thou wentest, and have cut off all thine enemies out of thy sight."
God was with David wherever he went and killed all of his enemies for him. 7:9

David killed two thirds of the Moabites and maked the rest slaves. 8:2-3

"David houghed all the chariot horses." 8:4

"David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men ... and the Lord preserved David withersoever he went." 8:5-6 14

"David gat him a name when he returned from smiting of the Syrians in the valley of salt, being eighteen thousand men ... And the LORD preserved David whithersoever he went." 8:13-14

David tells Joab (his captain) to send Bathsheba's husband (Uriah) to "the forefront of the hottest battle ... that he may be smitten and die." In this way, David gets another wife. 11:15, 11:17, 11:27

To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy. 12:14-18

"He ... put them under saws, and under harrows of iron, and under axes of iron, and made them pass through the brick-kiln."
David tortured or enslaved (depending on translation) all the inhabitants of several cities. 12:31

Absalom has his servants kill his brother for raping his sister. (This chapter, which includes incest, rape, murder, should be rated NC-17.) 13:28-29

"There was there a great slaughter that day of twenty thousand men ... and the wood devoured more people that day than the sword devoured."
It must have been a really spooky forest to have devoured more than 20,000 men! 18:7-8

Poor Absalom gets his head caught in an oak tree, and before he can get free, Joab thrusts three darts through his heart. 18:14

"Then said Ahimaaz ... Let me now run, and bear the king tidings, how that the LORD hath avenged him of his enemies." (See 2 Samuel 17:14) 18:19

Amasa is viciously slaughtered by Joab, who "shed out his bowels to the ground ... And Amasa wallowed in blood in the midst of the highway." 20:10, 12

"Then cried a wise woman out of the city ... Behold, his head shall be thrown to thee over the wall ... And they cut off the head of Sheba ... and cast it out to Joab." 20:16-22

A famine is sent on David's kingdom for three years. When David asks God why, God answers: "It is for Saul, and his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. "So God sent a famine to punish a kingdom for something that a former king had done. 21:1

To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul's sons and five of his grandsons killed and hung up "unto the Lord." 21:6-9

"They hanged them in the hill before the LORD." 21:9

"They gathered the bones of them that were hanged ... And after that God was intreated for the land."
God stopped the famine after Saul's two sons and five grandsons were killed and hung up for him. 21:13-14

"He teacheth my hands to war."
Might as well learn from an expert. 22:35

"I have pursued mine enemies, and destroyed them; and turned not again until I had consumed them. And I have consumed them, and wounded them, that they could not arise: yea, they are fallen under my feet." 22:38-39

"Thou hast also given me the necks of mine enemies, that I might destroy them that hate me." 22:41

"They looked, but there was none to save; even unto the LORD, but he answered them not." 22:42

"I beat them as small as the dust of the earth, I did stamp them as the mire of the street." 22:43

"It is God that avengeth me, and that bringeth down the people under me. And that bringeth me forth from mine enemies: thou also hast lifted me up on high above them that rose up against me." 22:48-49

"And the LORD wrought a great victory that day; and the people returned after him only to spoil." 23:10-12

"Thou hast also given me the necks of mine enemies." 22:41

The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 800 guys at one time. 23:8

"Eleazar the son of Dodo ... smote the Philistines until his hand was weary, and his hand clave unto the sword: and the LORD wrought a great victory that day." 23:9-10

"Shammah the son of Agee ... slew the Philistines: and the LORD wrought a great victory." 23:11-12

"Abishai ... lifted up his spear against three hundred, and slew them." 23:18

"Benaiah the son of Jehoiada ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: he went down also and slew a lion in the midst of a pit in time of snow. And he slew an Egyptian, a goodly man: and the Egyptian had a spear in his hand." 23:20-21

God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the census: 1) seven years of famine (1 Chronicles 21:1 says three years), 2) three months fleeing from enemies, or 3) three days of pestilence. David can't decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children). 24:13