I met Jean at an evening school where both of us were doing our ACCA part-time She wasn’t pretty by any standards, and that probably explained why she was still single at 30 plus. I was fast approaching 40, and was eager to start a family before I joined the flaccid club. I didn’t care much about looks, and all I wanted then was a hole. Jean fit the bill, and I decided to give it a try.
Jean wasn’t very keen on settling down despite her age. She was ambitious, and during our courtship, she made it clear that nothing else mattered more than money. She was intelligent and could tell that I was eager to have a relationship with her. Ironically, it was Jean who suggested that we cohabit to see if both of us could work it out. I agreed without hesitation. Like I said, I was eager to start a family, and I wanted to excavate a meat tunnel before joining the flaccid club.
However, Jean had something up her sleeve. She said she came from a conservative Hokkien family and she wouldn’t want her friends and relatives to know that she was cohabiting with a man. She didn’t want to be identified a slut.
I asked: “What’s wrong with cohabiting as a couple? We are now in the 21st century.”
Jean replied: “You stupid man ! Don’t you know cohabiting is immoral? 做人不是这样做的，做狗才是.”
I asked: “The how? You want to 做人 or 做狗?”
Jean replied: “I have a 两全其美 plan. We can hold a wedding banquet but not solemnize our marriage. Then all my friends and relatives will believe I’m formally married.”
I said: “No way! My parents will not agree to such an arrangement. It’s fraudulent.”
Jean replied: “Tell me honestly, you want your parents or you want a cheebye?”
I answered: “I want a cheebye, but I also want my parents.”
Jean replied: “Okay, let me tell you something. Most of my friends and relatives are professionals and quite well off. I have many friends who are now commercial pilots, and you know their pockets are deep. If we hold a wedding banquet, surely we’re going to receive a lot of angpows. It’s not a big fortune, but there is enough dough to pay for a free honeymoon in USA.”
I was startled and didn’t know what to say.
Jean continued: “You still want to stick to your fucking moral principles? Come on, I know you’re a Beta Sinkie. I’m an accountant, you know. I have done all the calculations. A free hole plus a free honeymoon. You don’t want meh?”
This is 他妈的天人交战. The bitch got me by my balls !
I asked: “What if we decide to part ways after having a lavish wedding banquet and a luxurious honeymoon paid from the angpows of your friends and relatives? This whole damn thing will look like a scam and your reputation will be tarnished forever. No?”
Jean replied: “You asked a legitimate question. We just need to go to the Court to apply for annulment of the marriage, and nobody is going to say anything.”
I asked: “You siao ah? How to apply for annulment of marriage when we are not even married?”
Jean replied: “Hey ! You stupid lanjiao ! Go read the Women’s Charter. The Court will declare our marriage void if we admit the marriage was not properly solemnized.”
I said: “Eh ! Cannot lah ! Then your friends and relatives will know we are not married in the first place. KNN, this is self-pwn lah.”
Jean grinned at me: “Who the fuck is going to announce to the world that the marriage is annulled on the grounds that the marriage was not properly solemnized? You think I stupid or what? I will tell my friends and relatives the marriage is annulled on the grounds that the marriage was not consummated!”
Jean wasn’t very keen on settling down despite her age. She was ambitious, and during our courtship, she made it clear that nothing else mattered more than money. She was intelligent and could tell that I was eager to have a relationship with her. Ironically, it was Jean who suggested that we cohabit to see if both of us could work it out. I agreed without hesitation. Like I said, I was eager to start a family, and I wanted to excavate a meat tunnel before joining the flaccid club.
However, Jean had something up her sleeve. She said she came from a conservative Hokkien family and she wouldn’t want her friends and relatives to know that she was cohabiting with a man. She didn’t want to be identified a slut.
I asked: “What’s wrong with cohabiting as a couple? We are now in the 21st century.”
Jean replied: “You stupid man ! Don’t you know cohabiting is immoral? 做人不是这样做的，做狗才是.”
I asked: “The how? You want to 做人 or 做狗?”
Jean replied: “I have a 两全其美 plan. We can hold a wedding banquet but not solemnize our marriage. Then all my friends and relatives will believe I’m formally married.”
I said: “No way! My parents will not agree to such an arrangement. It’s fraudulent.”
Jean replied: “Tell me honestly, you want your parents or you want a cheebye?”
I answered: “I want a cheebye, but I also want my parents.”
Jean replied: “Okay, let me tell you something. Most of my friends and relatives are professionals and quite well off. I have many friends who are now commercial pilots, and you know their pockets are deep. If we hold a wedding banquet, surely we’re going to receive a lot of angpows. It’s not a big fortune, but there is enough dough to pay for a free honeymoon in USA.”
I was startled and didn’t know what to say.
Jean continued: “You still want to stick to your fucking moral principles? Come on, I know you’re a Beta Sinkie. I’m an accountant, you know. I have done all the calculations. A free hole plus a free honeymoon. You don’t want meh?”
This is 他妈的天人交战. The bitch got me by my balls !
I asked: “What if we decide to part ways after having a lavish wedding banquet and a luxurious honeymoon paid from the angpows of your friends and relatives? This whole damn thing will look like a scam and your reputation will be tarnished forever. No?”
Jean replied: “You asked a legitimate question. We just need to go to the Court to apply for annulment of the marriage, and nobody is going to say anything.”
I asked: “You siao ah? How to apply for annulment of marriage when we are not even married?”
Jean replied: “Hey ! You stupid lanjiao ! Go read the Women’s Charter. The Court will declare our marriage void if we admit the marriage was not properly solemnized.”
I said: “Eh ! Cannot lah ! Then your friends and relatives will know we are not married in the first place. KNN, this is self-pwn lah.”
Jean grinned at me: “Who the fuck is going to announce to the world that the marriage is annulled on the grounds that the marriage was not properly solemnized? You think I stupid or what? I will tell my friends and relatives the marriage is annulled on the grounds that the marriage was not consummated!”
