Hi everyone, I would like to ask for some advice regarding what to do with my boyfriend's mother. My bf and I have been together for 7 years. We are currently both in uni. Recently we were talking about our future and we agreed that we do not want to live with bf's mom when we get our first house, because we want to experience at least a few years living alone together. However, my bf feels bad because he feels he has a duty to take care of her due to filial piety. bf's mom is a single mother and.. she is very childish and has poor financial decisions.
I get along well with her and she likes me because I do not talk back at her and I never displayed any strong emotions around her. However I do not believe that I can continue keeping this image of myself up if we live together as her behaviour is very toxic to my bf. She always tries to make bf feel bad by saying she always bought things he wanted when he was a kid. However, she did not save up for his future education, and even now my bf has to pay for his own tuition fees because she has no money. She has a stable income, but she spends it all on facials, hair treatments and manicure/pedicure. Even though it's WFH now, she insists that she needs branded jewelry and new clothes for work even though she doesn't go to the office. In the end, she has no money left for my bf and my bf had to help her pay off her credit card debts with his NS pay. She always wants to tag along on our dates, so it wasn't a surprise that she asked to tag along when we mentioned we wanted to go to the zoo to see the baby panda. She was very excited and we planned the outing together one week before.
However on the day itself, halfway through the outing she just suddenly walked off on her own and when we tried to ask her what was wrong, she refused to say anything. Later on she texted my bf that it was very boring and she 'HATED' the outing. Then after that she complained that she didn't want to eat dinner at the place that the 3 of us agreed to eat at one week ago, saying "you know I'm very picky with food and I hate this food, if it's not nice I will throw it away", and then she tried to make us feel bad by saying "you two can go ahead and eat that food, I will just go home by myself". We ended up changing our plans for her, but after the meal she insisted on going home herself. She refused to talk to my bf when he went home. This isn't the first time she threw such an unreasonable tantrum. I cannot see myself living happily with her if she were to move in with us. Even though I have been tolerating it for the past few years, I can tell that I am about to snap. My boyfriend has been very upset over this and he says she gives him a lot of stress as she always refuses to talk and reason things out when she is upset. She also enjoys telling my bf "you will always be my slave", which I personally dislike as it shows very little respect.
Now the dilemma is, we do not want to live with her in future but we feel the need to as she clearly cannot make smart financial decisions on her own. She seems very dependent on my bf. However if she moves in, I am worried that it will strain the relationships in the household as she will try to guilt trip my bf all the time and add stress to him. I might be thinking too much but I can foresee a lot of arguments happening. I can only do so much to cheer him up. I feel bad for my bf as it feels like he has to choose between me and his mother. His mom has been telling him since he was young that "I dont need to worry when I grow old cos I got you to take care of me". So I can assume that she expects to move in with us without question. What would you do if you were in my shoes? I would like to settle everything amicably without having to show any anger, but honestly I don't know how to. Both of us really wish to live alone without her in future, but it feels like no matter what we choose, our decision will always bring harm to someone. Breaking up is out of the question.
I get along well with her and she likes me because I do not talk back at her and I never displayed any strong emotions around her. However I do not believe that I can continue keeping this image of myself up if we live together as her behaviour is very toxic to my bf. She always tries to make bf feel bad by saying she always bought things he wanted when he was a kid. However, she did not save up for his future education, and even now my bf has to pay for his own tuition fees because she has no money. She has a stable income, but she spends it all on facials, hair treatments and manicure/pedicure. Even though it's WFH now, she insists that she needs branded jewelry and new clothes for work even though she doesn't go to the office. In the end, she has no money left for my bf and my bf had to help her pay off her credit card debts with his NS pay. She always wants to tag along on our dates, so it wasn't a surprise that she asked to tag along when we mentioned we wanted to go to the zoo to see the baby panda. She was very excited and we planned the outing together one week before.
However on the day itself, halfway through the outing she just suddenly walked off on her own and when we tried to ask her what was wrong, she refused to say anything. Later on she texted my bf that it was very boring and she 'HATED' the outing. Then after that she complained that she didn't want to eat dinner at the place that the 3 of us agreed to eat at one week ago, saying "you know I'm very picky with food and I hate this food, if it's not nice I will throw it away", and then she tried to make us feel bad by saying "you two can go ahead and eat that food, I will just go home by myself". We ended up changing our plans for her, but after the meal she insisted on going home herself. She refused to talk to my bf when he went home. This isn't the first time she threw such an unreasonable tantrum. I cannot see myself living happily with her if she were to move in with us. Even though I have been tolerating it for the past few years, I can tell that I am about to snap. My boyfriend has been very upset over this and he says she gives him a lot of stress as she always refuses to talk and reason things out when she is upset. She also enjoys telling my bf "you will always be my slave", which I personally dislike as it shows very little respect.
Now the dilemma is, we do not want to live with her in future but we feel the need to as she clearly cannot make smart financial decisions on her own. She seems very dependent on my bf. However if she moves in, I am worried that it will strain the relationships in the household as she will try to guilt trip my bf all the time and add stress to him. I might be thinking too much but I can foresee a lot of arguments happening. I can only do so much to cheer him up. I feel bad for my bf as it feels like he has to choose between me and his mother. His mom has been telling him since he was young that "I dont need to worry when I grow old cos I got you to take care of me". So I can assume that she expects to move in with us without question. What would you do if you were in my shoes? I would like to settle everything amicably without having to show any anger, but honestly I don't know how to. Both of us really wish to live alone without her in future, but it feels like no matter what we choose, our decision will always bring harm to someone. Breaking up is out of the question.
