Feeling guilty and remorseful about dad

[UnfilialSon]

I am at a loss about how to deal with my feelings and what to do

I hope somebody can help sort me out.

I am an unfilial son. When I was young I ran away from home after my father beat me. I got into trouble with the law. I was sent to boys school

After I was let out, my father came to recieve me but I spat at him and ran off.

I found refuge with an old carpenter in Yishun. He taught me carpentry and he sent me to remedial class. He arranged for me to go to church where another old angmoh man taught me English.

I never forgave me father. I refused to see him.

Some years later my father died from heart attack. I never went to his funeral.

In the last few months, when the old angmoh was dying, he told me all the money he and the carpenter gave me and for my upbringing was given to him by my real father. He wanted me to have the best chance in life.

Because of my selfish pride I hurt my father and all who cared for me

What must I do to redeem myself. I cannot handle my feelings. My church elders cannot help.

Thank you. God bless.

 

[middaydog]

what's done cannot be undone, instead of wallowing in sorrow and guilt you have to move on but you must determine not to let history repeat itself to your son

good thing you know God

 

[tonychat]

I have this view but it is from the buddhist point of view.

Now you are physically and mentally healthy, use all your energy that you have to do as much good deeds as possible and pass on all these merits to your father. You father that has gain enough merits from you will rise to heaven.

To bring your parents to heaven based on your action is one of the highest filial acts ever.

You might decidated these merits to your father in a temple through a monk recitiation. This you need a real buddhist to tell you, I am just a buddhist learner.

All is not lost, you can still dedicate merits to your dad and bless him by your good deeds, charity and helpfulness and help him rise to heaven.

 

[CheeCheungFun]

your dad has already passed on and you can't turn back the clock on what has already happened.

The guilt is understandable, after knowing what your dad has done 'behind your back'. However, the fact that this was done in secrecy only goes to show this was what was intended by him. He may have no choice given your great resentment towards him at that time. But, didn't that proved even more so of his Unconditional Love for you? Don't let his love be wasted.

He had wanted you to lead a better life, upgrading yourself, picking up a skill, becoming independent, finally able to stand on your own. That's why he had provided all the financial support behind all your learning, upbringing. Isn't all that achieved now? You have learnt a skill, improved yourself, learnt about responsibilities and the right attitudes. Isn't these what your dad had wished for you to be? Does it matter who was the one who executed this? His wishes have been fulfilled and you have made him happy. Go, live a better life, be a better person. In this way, whether he is still alive or not now is no longer important, for his death is not in vain and would serve as a constant reminder to yourself from this day forth.

Feel free to cry if you want. As long as you pick yourself up after that with new resolves.

 

[vamjok]

move on with your life and transfer this love of his to your future generations.