I AM a 45-year-old bachelor holding a senior management position in a multinational company. I got to know N, who was then 23 years old, two years ago when she was a trainee in my department. We clicked as soon as we met and spent a lot of time working together.
Not surprisingly, we developed feelings for each other but I was always cognizant of the fact that I was her boss and supervisor and should not be misusing my position for personal reasons.
She came from a broken home and had no close friends. After meeting me, she decided to quit smoking and alcohol altogether and toned down her nightlife. She began to enjoy spending time with me, spending hours chatting over coffee. She also joined a charity organisation that I am a member of, through which I tutor poor children for free.
Basically, she turned over a new leaf and became a "good" girl. She declared that I had brought out the best in her and, eventually, we decided to become a couple. Nevertheless, we had to keep this relationship under wraps until she successfully completed her training, as our company frowned on such liaisons.
She had suggested that she would be agreeable to having a physical relationship with me.
However, though she is very attractive, I refused to go further than kissing and cuddling, as I respected her and her mother to whom I had already been introduced. I said that as proof that I loved her sincerely, I would only consummate our relationship after marriage and that she should remain a virgin till then.
However, after about 10 months, she grew restless and perhaps found my staid lifestyle boring. She stopped tutoring the children she was assigned to, often not turning up for classes as promised. She took up smoking again. She also started seeing a fellow employee, G, who was her age and clearly more "fun".
On her Facebook page, I saw pictures of them together in various clubs and in various poses that she obviously had no qualms showing to the world.
As time went on, messages between her and G on her Facebook wall became more risqué and it was obvious that they were intimate. Yet, despite her on-going relationship with G, she still maintained ties with me and we would still meet up for dates and she would confide in me about her problems and seek my opinion on things.
When I confronted her about her relationship with G, she confessed that they were having sex - something that I was unwilling to provide. She seemed convinced that G truly loved her and that despite his immaturity and unstable finances, was the "one". We had a huge quarrel, I accused her of using me and leading me on.
Thereafter, she refused to answer any of my messages or take my calls. This was extremely hurtful to me. I struggled to get through the days without her because she had brought such joy to my life and I truly believed that she loved me.
Six months later, she suddenly contacted me, asking to meet up. She claimed that she and G were still going strong and the only reason she wanted to see me was that she felt guilty about the way we parted. When she came to my house, I was thrilled beyond words.
We talked endlessly about everything, laughing and joking like in the good old days. She kissed me and told me that she missed me desperately. I felt that the closeness we had before was alive again. I knew that I could take advantage of the situation and the newly-revived passion we shared. Was she waiting for me to scoop her up and take her to bed?
Perhaps, she was disappointed that I didn't because when we eventually said our goodbyes, she hugged me with tears in her eyes. She promised that she would call me again to fix-up another meeting but now, three months on, that has come to nought.
Am I kidding myself to think that she has any real feelings for me? I know she and G are still together. Perhaps, she needs sex as proof of love and I fell short of this expectation because I am steadfast in my religious beliefs.
Getting back together with her again has really messed up my mind. No-one has made me feel so in love and so alive as she has. I think of her constantly and wish so hard to relive our old days when we were working together. It was one of the best times in my life.
Why did she seek me out again only to ignore me thereafter? Should I throw caution to the wind, give in to her charms and go after what I want or am I just setting myself up to be hurt again and again?
I followed all the rules, tried to be decent and honourable. Clearly, good guys always finish last.
confused
WOULD you be happier now if you had given in to her charms and taken her to bed? Or would you regret taking advantage of this young woman who seems to be desperately seeking love?
You really care about N but it seems that she will constantly challenge your code of honour. She is not bad but she is young, impulsive and craves attention. She liked you well enough and had changed her ways to fit your lifestyle.
But sex might mean proof of love to this girl who comes from a broken home. She probably could not understand your restraint when she tried so hard to seduce you.
N was attracted to you but might be too impatient with your pace. You were slow, steady and had honourable plans. She probably expected you to have sex with her at the first opportunity, propose and get married. Perhaps she would give G up in that case, as you offer emotional and financial stability.
However, will you be truly comfortable with a woman who does not fit your lifestyle? She tried very hard but, eventually, she went back to clubs and pubs with her new boyfriend.
At 45, you seem quite set in your ways and expectations. N is your direct opposite, as she lives impulsively.
Perhaps you are attracted to her aura of restless excitement, her youth and sexuality. You have been in control of your feelings and emotions for so long, she must be a breathless change to your predictable ways.
If you really want her back, then be ready with passion and action. But never expect or hope that she will change to be the woman you want. If you love the way she is, then you must be prepared. She is obviously not a sweet, religious, charity-minded person who will live quietly in decorous dignity.
