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My side of the whole situation
Written on : Saturday, August 3, 2013, 12:02 PM
What is love ? Are you able to completely trust someone that you love? How is happiness a choice when things are going so freaking badly around you . I don't believe that suicide is stupid , but I know that it's a one way ticket to hell and it instantly strikes off any chances of your life getting better, I love you but , I constantly feel like killing myself ,it's like as if you made use of me just to get yourself off the hook almost all the time . Having depression is nothing to you from the start . Only when you get it , you said that you couldn't take it .
You said that it all started when I slapped you on the bus when you agitated me by poking me continuously and taking away my phone and drink when I was already pissed off . You threw my lunch on the ground and walked away, I tore your shirt while trying to pull you back to me. That was the first time you pushed me and hit my hand . You said you were sorry and I forgave you . So here's my story:
That day at RP, I already said that I was rushing off for a meeting and you just continued walking slowly behind me and talked to people , and you accused me of walking away with my ex and not recognizing you and treating you properly . I was rushing for a meeting . After my meeting I was gonna practice my dj-ing stuff and since you didn't like it I asked if you were gonna come along with me or go find Jianhao, in a rude tone . I can't be nice to people when I'm angry .
And you said that I asked a stupid question , flared up at me and walked away .
When I pulled you back you pushed me away , when I grabbed your collar you pulled and the collar expanded (tore) . You got pissed off and shouted at me , screamed at me infront of my school , you wanted to walk away but I can't bear to let you go . So I grabbed on to your jeans and you threw the jacket I bought for your birthday on the floor , saying that it is a jacket from a slut , you spouted so many insults at me but I just took it in , saying that I'm a disappointment to my parents and grandma who mean alot to me, saying that I don't deserve to be respected. You were shirtless . I asked you to put on your shirt because everyone was watching and you didn't stop screaming at me . You threatened to run on to the road and get knocked down by a car , I kept pulling you off the road when you were dashing for it . You punched the notice board and you slapped me for the first time , saying that you would never lay hands on a girl but I don't deserve to be even respected as a person . I was heart broken but your life was far more important to me . My EMP mates saw us fighting , told my ex while they were leaving to withdraw money and then he was so shocked to see you in that state . He wanted to make peace . But you kept saying that he was biased and you refused to tell him your side of the story . He didn't side with me after you said your piece . And I couldn't let you go until the police came and you walked away with me leaving my ex there to defend us . While you were walking away , you never stopped insulting me nor scolding me .
The last incident , I woke up late. You asked me if I wanted to stay home but I didn't want to , I took no time and rushed the get ready to meet you and your friends . Nobody could wear a tight dress when they are on their period , people wear more comfortable clothing . Besides that point , shorts are quite appropriate for that event . So I put on my black shorts , muscle top and a leather jacket with wedges and a cap and you said that I don't look good . I thought I looked fine, not outstanding but i looked okay,but when I asked you if you wanted me to change it you didn't reply , so when I told you if you don't wanna reply it means you don't want me to come anymore .
I was getting so angry because you don't bother to reply , and at the same time I was so sad . So I went home and removed my make up and clothes and cried because I didn't feel good , unimportant . You gave me nonsense and YOU SAID YOU WOULD TEXT ME AFTER YOUR DIM SUM . You didn't care at all . Parents kept probing why i was crying at home , why i went out and come back again in less than 5 minutes , i couldn't answer.And suddenly you DEMANDED me to take a cab in 10mins because everyone was waiting for me. Who would wanna meet people after they cried so badly , furthermore you already asked me not to come . You forced me to go and as I was putting on my clothes , my dad asked me where I was going, I said I was going out , and he chained up the doors and didn't want to open them until he gets an explanation . You were reluctant to come up and explain , you didn't believe me despite me trusting you to go clubbing and get drunk the previous night .
So after I was done dressing up I just said that my friend was downstairs and my dad opened the door and I came down . I asked you to go up , but then I changed my mind because I DON'T WANT TO HUMILIATE YOU infront of my parents . Sat inside the cab and I started crying .. You asked me why , I said I don't feel good . And you kept annoying me with "which princess wear shorts, princess don't wear shorts one" I just answered back in an annoyed tone to entertain you until I couldn't take it anymore and I HIT YOU . YES I MADE THE FIRST MOVE , but I didn't use any strength at all . You seemed to be in so much pain .
That's when I know I'm done for the night , I couldn't step out , I wanted to go home so badly , I don't wanna let anyone see my crying face . You dragged me out of the cab like an animal . You screamed at me when I insisted that I don't wanna go , I walked away I don't wanna go .. You followed me and kept pulling me back , you snatched my bag and I just walked away with my bag in your hands . You came after and despite my attempts to get back my bag , you hit me on my face , you slapped me so many times . I needed help , there were so many people watching but nobody wanted to help me . I watched the full swings land on my body and I can't do anything about it because you were pissed off , all I can't hear from you was "what are we gonna do now?! " you screamed, you lie on the floor , you insult me you scold me ,you pulled my hair, I couldn't even say a word to defend myself, you weren't gonna listen because I ONLY HAD THE CHOICE OF EITHER MEETING YOUR FRIENDS OR BREAKING UP IF I GO HOME .
You wanna talk about my depression ? Yes I landed up in the hospital trying to kill myself , I'm not proud of it at all . I am depressed and everytime you hurt me with words , even if it's just a little thing I would feel so affected because it's coming from you . Needless to say I feel even worse when you don't even bother to console me , you didn't bother to make up , you just call me stupid and completely ignore me . Yes your friends saw you break down , what about mine ? To push my confidence up , to push myself to make an effort to smile everyday , you weren't there when all these happened , me even having the confidence to talk at all were efforts made by my ex and my best friend . They are the closest thing to family that I have since I don't have a really good relationship with my family when I grow up , even till now . Not everybody would help you without intentions but one of the people who help out of kindness is my ex and he regarded me as a friend and respected out relationship after it got more serious . YES YOU DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO ASK ME TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND . Yes he kissed me on the forehead at first but after that ? Holding his hand ? I merely grabbed his arm unromantically but c'mon like I said it stopped . Don't even make me touch on the way you talk to me , rude . The way you talk to my friend who just said ' Luna's boyfriend ' you told her off saying 'I got a name and it's not Luna's boyfriend' wow , it's not like you've never met her before . And you can sweet and dirty talk to girls around like I'm not affected at all but when I bring up a guy you would start flipping out . I am told not to tell anyone about anything that happened between us , I can't help but to voice it out to a confidant than to drop into that shit hole of sorrow I just climbed out of .
It's been 2 days since I saw you, I am so hungry because every time I try to eat something my body would just reject it . I can't sleep , the moment I close my eyes I can't help but to visualize and feel the whole thing happening , and how much I can't trust you anymore I'm scared . When you look at the man who claims he loves you and would protect you knowing that he hurts you both psychically and mentally . I still remembered when the photo first leaked out , you threatened to throw my laptop , you threw my bag on the floor , left my laptop on top of it and walked away . When we were talking it out , I said "what you gonna do now ? Hit me again?" and you replied ," It depends ...." I can't believe that after all that had happened , hitting me still crossed your mind . I broke into tears , it's like as if you didn't care about me at all , no sense of guilt nor reflection.
Everyday I struggle so hard to keep you happy and to keep myself alive while I have to live in the fear of you hurting me any time . Most of the time when we quarrel I would be the one trying to cheer you up while I was dying inside . And I will never forget 2 days ago when you were talking to me about how your career and reputation would be ruined if this thing goes big, you said " GO CUT YOURSELF AND COMMIT SUICIDE NOW , this is a better reason " I tried very hard to ask people to STOP, but after every thing you said to me so far , I don't think you had any sense of regret , all you cared about was your reputation which was what I tried to hard to defend all these while . I could have went to the police and shit like that or I could have instagramed my injuries but I didn't. I told you not to post anything about it . The photos ? I thought that I could at least let somebody calm me down or tell me something rational so I told my two confidants , didn't ask for things to go this way .
You're not the only one feeling damaged all these while , I only held on and supported you because I love you and because you said you love me . And that all the reason I need for me to hold on even when I've been getting mind fucked for so long to leave you . The empty promises you said you made just to make me happy at that point of time , just wanted a better reason to keep it up .
