Irish

[erection2015]

An Irishman was very much overweight so his doctor put him on a diet program.

' Eat regularly for 2 days then skip a day, repeat this for 2 weeks and come visit me again . By then you would have lost about 3kg.'

After 2 weeks when the man returned the doctor was shocked. The man had lost about 20 kg.

' Why thats amazing' said the doctor ' did you follow all my instructions ? '

The man nodded ...' shit i tell you though i thought i was going to drop dead on the 3rd day '

'From the hunger ? ' asked the doctor.

'No ' the man replied ' from fucking skipping the whole day '

 

[erection2015]

Joe : Oi Paddy, draw your curtains close the next time you shag your wife. The whole street was watching you doing it yesterday.

Paddy : The joke's on them stupid bastards Joe because i wasn't home the whole day yesterday.

 

[Agoraphobic]

Q: How does an Irishman spell FARM?

A: E-I-E-I-O.

Cheers!

 

[erection2015]

The Irish are well on their way towards solving their fuel problems. They just imported 100 million tons of sand from the Arabs and will soon start drilling for their own oil.

 

[Windsor]

Not My Ear

After an accident on a building site when an Irishman had his ear chopped off, the doctor tells him not to worry; it could be sewn back on easily.
The Irishman says to the doctor "That’s not my ear. Mine had a pencil behind it"

 

[Windsor]

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

 

[Windsor]

A married Irish man went into the confesstion room
and said to the priest: 'I almost had an affair
with another woman'.

The priest asked: 'What do you mean almost?'

The irishman said: 'Well we got undressed and
rubbed together but then I stopped'.

The priest said: 'Rubbing together is the same
as putting it in. You are not to see that woman
again. Say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the
poor box'.

The irishman left the confession room, said his
prayers and walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly went over to
him saying: 'I saw that, you didn't put the money
in the poor box'.

 

[erection2015]

A little Irish boy is crying by the roadside.

A man asks ' What's wrong laddie ?'

Boy answers ' Me Ma is dead '

Man replies ' Do you want me to get Father Greg? '

Boy replies ' No thanks mister, i dont think i can do sex today '