How an Ex-muslim apologist left unharmed! Why I left good Islam!

[duluxe]

https://www.exmuslim.co.uk/Jalal.html

My name is Jalal Tagreeb. I am from the Levant (Middle East) and I travel regularly to the UK as part of work and study. I was a Muslim for around 40 years.

What caused you to start practising/believing?​

I came from a very conservative religious Muslim family. Where, religious commitments are always carried in a very strict manner. The family view of the western lifestyle and ideologies such as secularism is a view of something wrong and unacceptable. I adopted my family ideas and decided to become a Muslim scholar so I can defeat western secularists in debates, mainly in Britain as an ex- colonial administrator who acted superiorly over our predecessors. I wanted to show that tables are turned with secularists and I can logically defeat their concepts. I set this as a goal and prepared for that around 20 years from studying the Quran and Hadith to practising debates and speeches. I also put a lot of plans to document the defeat of secularists after it happens and disseminate the results using new technology tools such as social media platforms, related forums, e-lectures, etc. I was very insistent to defeat secularists in debates and become a "hero" of Islam. Ironically, all that turned on me and I was thoroughly defeated in debates with secularists.

What were your views as a Muslim?​

I was a very conservative strict Sunni Muslim with firm rejection to anything western and non-Islamic . For example, I always avoided walking beside or looking at a Church or even food/drink which is inappropriate for a practising Muslim whether in shops or elsewhere. Jihad has many forms, I held the concept jihad but in the form of debates, because it is related to my expertise. I always thought that I am invincible and different. I had a strong belief that jihad in its many forms make us the strongest faith, where it is impossible to surrender. So, the hour of our victory has come.

How important was Islam in your day to day life?​

I was a devout Muslim who valued all Islamic practices. Performing prayers on time, most of the time at the mosque. Fasting during each Ramadan. Also, extremely strict about haram food and always avoided touching it, even walking beside it or looking at it and of course buying it or any food/drink that may contain any haram ingredients even if it is minimal and microscopic. In fact, I and my family took pride that I was the only person in my family who never ever tasted this type of food/drink even by accident, that was kind of a record since I promised not to do it in my life. That was kind of proof of how the new Muslim generation holds the values of Islam. However, the record was broken because following the defeat in debates, I was emptied from faith concepts, so, adhering to Islamic practices did not mean anything. I mean, I can still fast during Ramadan but only if I want to lose weight!

What brought about your doubts?​

I had a sort of inflated ego and I was overconfident. I urged secularists to debate with me, but the secularists in the UK always avoided any encounter with me. So, my ego went to the sky and I thought that I am invincible, different and there was no doubt that I would win any future debates. I insisted many times. Finally, they agreed to debate. It did not take them time to provide simple answers to my first few questions. I retreated, but they wanted to take this forward to finish the job, so they prevented any escape until the discussion was completely closed. They gave me simple answers to what I considered non-answerable questions. Then I faced a serious intellectual challenge and could not answer their questions. I was logically defeated on all Islamic axes by strong atheist and secular arguments. They answered all my questions and I could not answer any of their questions. I admitted and acknowledged the full decisive defeat. The secularists debaters described the case as fantastic and wonderful example of how Islam can flog itself.

I did not have doubts until I was thoroughly defeated in debates with secularists and Christians. After 20 years of preparation, many of my family members and friends urged me to conquer Britain's secularists and defeat them in debates. I was very confident that I would be successful and aimed at defeating secularists and bringing them down in debates. I was very insistent to win all encounters, I had put plans for that. I faced a serious intellectual challenge in the UK, I tried to escape from many debates, especially those where I started losing convincing arguments. I re-prepared, then started again but with no hope. After many debates and discussions there, I was logically defeated on all Islamic axes by strong secular and atheist arguments, some of which were drawn from Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens books. First, I was confronted with the opposite views of women rights. Where I come from, women are considered secondary to men, and the deeply patriarchal laws of Islam have kept things this way in the Arab nations for over a thousand years. Also, other Islamic issues (e.g., polygamy in Islam, women role, problematic issues in Islamic calendar, etc, around 13 issues).

Describe your emotional journey as it unfolded.​

When I was preparing to become a Muslim apologist, I had an inflated ego. I was super confident that I will be the one who will defeat secularists (and generally non-Muslims) in debates. I thought that I have a persistent iron will and it is impossible to defeat the will power gained from my faith. I guess that was because I was isolated from the culture in the west. When secularists avoided my invitation to debate, my ego went to the sky, I really thought that I am invincible, especially when they said that maybe I should debate with a well-established senior secularist, not with them (i.e. ordinary secularists). When I insisted, they cautiously accepted the invitation to debate. It was surprising that they provided simple answers to what I considered non-answerable questions. They appeared more relaxed as they realised that I was not a challenging debater as I pretended to be. I was in an opposite emotional situation (i.e. more tense and even angry). Slowly but surely I was decisively defeated in the debate. I surrendered and exposed my plans.

How long did it take you to come to terms with losing your faith? How did this effect you?​

I never thought or even imagined that I could be defeated in debates with secularists (some Christians also used the results of the debates). In fact, I was not even expecting to lose a single encounter, but I have lost all encounters, which formed a decisive defeat that resulted in secularists symbolically parading my case study to be an example of. The day after my last debate with secularists (where I acknowledged my defeat) I stopped performing prayers, because it does not make sense to perform it with an announced lost faith! One week after my defeat I stopped visiting the Islamic centre. I now have a humble attitude towards the secular and Christian communities and I use my expertise to serve them to the best of my ability.

How did it affect your relationships with family and friends?​

My family and friends did not know about my defeat in debates with secularists. I will talk mainly about secularists. I was an enemy for them and they knew that I prepared very well to defeat them. They tried to avoid any encounter with me. They just did not want to debate. But because I insisted too much, they agreed at the end. After they started winning, I manoeuvred to escape and I wanted to stop but with no hope. The secularists debaters found the debate a good opportunity to counter attack and return the genie in to the bottle, close the case and teach me a lesson, which eventually happened. Christians whom I corresponded with were also happy and delighted by the result. They said it is well-deserved. I have copies of their letters which I can share with you while maintaining the sender’s confidentiality. Some are in Arabic.

What challenges did you face, and what challenges do you still face?​

My main challenge and goal was to defeat secularists in debates, bring them down and announce that to the world. I faced a serious intellectual challenge and could not achieve this goal. A challenge that I am still facing is the self-contradictory life, since after being emptied from my faith and unable to defend it, there is no meaning of carrying Islamic practices such as fasting in Ramadan, praying, Friday prayers, etc. Also, my friends noticed that I do not enter into Islamic arguments any more (e.g. Hijab issues) and I am less critical about haram food/drink. Another challenge is the acceptance and understanding of the Muslim society of such a case. I do not think they can tolerate it.

What are your views today?​

My dream of becoming a Muslim apologist has been aborted at an early stage, I stepped down the debate arena and adopted a low profile. I used to work at the background and support secularists and Christians in their debates against Islam. I also work as a ghost writer where I re-formulate and draft new articles on Islam from a sceptical perspective. I fully support secular organisations and the secular community in the UK.

How has your life changed?​

The discussions in the UK had deflated my inflated sense of importance and overconfidence. I was a devout Muslim, however, behind this mask laid a fragile content which was vulnerable to the slightest criticism. It was like a hot air balloon, it may appear large but it was empty and easily deflated. My role has simply been reversed and I am demolishing what I defended in the past.

What advice would you give to somebody having doubts?​

I encourage anyone who has doubts to think carefully, ask critical questions and seek answers from different sources. Most importantly, I advise Muslim apologists not to be hard-headed and think that they are always right. You can learn from my case. I studied the Quran and Hadith for around 20 years, practised debates, and prepared very well. I felt very self-confident with high ego and after watching the debate between Ahmed Deedat and Jimmy Swaggart I was so excited and thrilled of Deedat’s victory over the Christian pastor. Inspired by that and by Dr. Zakir Naik approach – which follows nearly the same approach – I thought that I am invincible. It was time to move to the UK and make the change there. I was very confident that I would be successful and aimed at defeating secularists and bringing them down in debates. I was very insistent to win all encounters, I had put plans for that. For example, unlike the old days, now we have new technologies such as the Internet and social media platforms, which I planned to use in order to achieve my goals, spread my results and victory. However, the setback was that I was decisively defeated in debates with secularists and all my plans turned on me.

Are you actively working to help others? And how can people follow you?​

Yes, I am working to help others. I now work for both the secular and Christian communities. Where I was given duties and homeworks related to my skills (e.g. translation, research, etc). I also work as a ghostwriter. I can be followed on Christian Forums (www.christianforums.com) where I have a blog and some written articles. I have also published other articles on secular websites. We hope this will document the case to be a good lesson for free thinkers in the Muslim world to learn from.