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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS
An Elementary School Teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She
presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to
believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may
surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders,
6-year-olds. The last one is a classic!
1.Don't change horses........until they stop running.
2.Strike while...... the bug is close.
3.It's always darkest before........Daylight Saving Time.
4.Never underestimate the power of........termites.
5.You can lead a horse to water....... but how?
6.Don't bite the hand.......... that looks dirty.
7.No news is.......impossible.
8.A miss is as good as....... a Mr.
9.You can't teach an old dog....... new math.
10.If you lie down with dogs,...... you'll stink in the morning.
11.Love all,...... trust me.
12.The pen is mightier than...... the pigs.
13.An idle mind is........the best way to relax.
14.Where there's smoke....... there's pollution.
15.Happy the bride........ who gets all the presents.
16.A penny saved is......not much.
17.Two's company,....... three's the Musketeers.
18.Don't put off till tomorrow....... what you put on to go to bed.
19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,...... cry and you have to blow your nose.
20.There are none so blind as........Stevie Wonder.
21.Children should be seen and not......spanked or grounded.
22.If at first you don't succeed.........get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only........ what you see in the picture on the box.
24.When the blind lead the blind.......get out of the way.
25.A bird in the hand......is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.Better late than......pregnant.
An Elementary School Teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She
presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to
believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may
surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders,
6-year-olds. The last one is a classic!
1.Don't change horses........until they stop running.
2.Strike while...... the bug is close.
3.It's always darkest before........Daylight Saving Time.
4.Never underestimate the power of........termites.
5.You can lead a horse to water....... but how?
6.Don't bite the hand.......... that looks dirty.
7.No news is.......impossible.
8.A miss is as good as....... a Mr.
9.You can't teach an old dog....... new math.
10.If you lie down with dogs,...... you'll stink in the morning.
11.Love all,...... trust me.
12.The pen is mightier than...... the pigs.
13.An idle mind is........the best way to relax.
14.Where there's smoke....... there's pollution.
15.Happy the bride........ who gets all the presents.
16.A penny saved is......not much.
17.Two's company,....... three's the Musketeers.
18.Don't put off till tomorrow....... what you put on to go to bed.
19.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,...... cry and you have to blow your nose.
20.There are none so blind as........Stevie Wonder.
21.Children should be seen and not......spanked or grounded.
22.If at first you don't succeed.........get new batteries.
23.You get out of something only........ what you see in the picture on the box.
24.When the blind lead the blind.......get out of the way.
25.A bird in the hand......is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.Better late than......pregnant.
Oy, pls don't talk in circles ...you mean, wear (safety) helmet? :p
Scottish golfer?
A Scottish Golfer
A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.
About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Scot: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting
in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Scot: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus .
But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club?
A Scottish Golfer
A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.
About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Scot: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting
in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Scot: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus .
But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club?
Re: Scottish golfer?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a three-year-old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, after a while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then asked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed three-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his ass again!"
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a three-year-old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, after a while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then asked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed three-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his ass again!"
No need safety helmet, go in raw.
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Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni magazine.
RUNNERS-UP:
1. If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of
pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite
number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's
great literary works in Braille.
2. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on
your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances
other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
3. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have
no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at
a faster rate.
4. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as
a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in
close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to
spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language
remains constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another.
When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
GRAND PRIZE WINNER:
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its
feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered
side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a
cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. Powered by a
giant buttered-cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New
York with Chicago.
RUNNERS-UP:
1. If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of
pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite
number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's
great literary works in Braille.
2. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on
your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances
other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
3. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have
no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at
a faster rate.
4. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as
a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in
close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to
spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language
remains constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another.
When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
GRAND PRIZE WINNER:
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its
feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered
side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a
cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. Powered by a
giant buttered-cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New
York with Chicago.
Last edited:
If you think you'd done stupid things at times, you'll surely be comforted after reading this !!!!!
You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2013 Darwin Awards:
Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves...'S--t happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL
You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2013 Darwin Awards:
Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves...'S--t happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL
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Sex with PRC?
I asked a Chinese (PRC) girl if she would come out with me for a date
and I asked her number so that I could call her.
She got all excited and said: "SEX SEX SEX SEX FREE SEX TONIGHT"
... wow such an open girl !...
but then, my friend told me what she really said was
6 6 6 6 3 6 2 9.....
I asked a Chinese (PRC) girl if she would come out with me for a date
and I asked her number so that I could call her.
She got all excited and said: "SEX SEX SEX SEX FREE SEX TONIGHT"
... wow such an open girl !...
but then, my friend told me what she really said was
6 6 6 6 3 6 2 9.....
Last edited:
Re: Sex with PRC?
Family problem?
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once." We call this arranged marriage.
I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."
The American said, Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson..
And you say you have family problems..
Family problem?
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once." We call this arranged marriage.
I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."
The American said, Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson..
And you say you have family problems..
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