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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
Make America great again?!
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."
Not legit in Texas?
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
“A Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
His heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
"The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well", she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that shit here in Texas."
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
“A Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
His heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
"The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well", she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that shit here in Texas."
Look, no roof or windows!
A view shows the bedroom of the Null-Stern-Hotel (Zero-star-hotel) land art installation by Swiss artists Frank and Patrik Riklin on an alp near Gonten, Switzerland. Guests can order overnight stays in the Null-Stern-hotelroom with no walls and roof located on some 1,200 metres altitude in the eastern Swiss Alps.PHOTO BY REUTERS
At the pearly gates
A Priest dies & is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate.
Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
God to the guy :
'' Who Are You....???? ''
Guy :
'' I am Express Bus driver.....!!!! ''
God : Take this Gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.
God to the Priest : Who Are You.....???? ''
Priest : I am a priest & spent 40yrs preaching good to people.
God :
'' Take this cotton Robe and enter heaven......!!!! ''
Priest :
'' God, how come that foul mouthed, rash driver gets a Gold &
I spent all my life preaching Good, get Cotton......!!!!! ''
God :
'' Results, my son, Results......
While you Preached,
People Slept,
When he drove,
People Really Prayed.......''
☝“ It's Performance, Not Position That Counts.....!!!!!! ”
A Priest dies & is waiting in line at Heaven's Gate.
Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
God to the guy :
'' Who Are You....???? ''
Guy :
'' I am Express Bus driver.....!!!! ''
God : Take this Gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.
God to the Priest : Who Are You.....???? ''
Priest : I am a priest & spent 40yrs preaching good to people.
God :
'' Take this cotton Robe and enter heaven......!!!! ''
Priest :
'' God, how come that foul mouthed, rash driver gets a Gold &
I spent all my life preaching Good, get Cotton......!!!!! ''
God :
'' Results, my son, Results......
While you Preached,
People Slept,
When he drove,
People Really Prayed.......''
☝“ It's Performance, Not Position That Counts.....!!!!!! ”
A sinkie flavour across the causeway
Amidst its prohibitively high cost of living, Singapore's ministers like Khaw Boon Wan and Mah Bow Tan have openly urged their citizens to send their parents to old folks homes in JB.
One such Singaporean family obediently complies with the directive, and sends their father to an old folks home in Johore Bahru.
After six months, they don't feel good about it and decide to go and check it out. After all, it's Malaysia .....
Upon seeing their father in JB, the first question they ask the old man is, "Ah Pa, how the 'chiu hoo kia' (a derogatory term for Malaysians) here treat you?"
"I'm ok here. People here have respect for one another. I like it here."
"True or not?", the son asks in disbelieve.
"Are you sure? This is Malaysia leh!", the daughter could not believe in what she hears.
"True lah, let me explain." The father clarifies, "You see, there is a retired judge staying here with us. He hasn't heard a case for the last five years, yet everyone here still calls him Tuan Hakim."
"Then there is a retired teacher here with us. He hasn't taught a class for the last eight years, yet everybody here still calls him Cikgu."
"And there is a retired violinist here. He hasn't played the instrument for ten years, everyone here still calls him Meastro."
"As for me, I haven't had sex for the last fifteen years, everyone here still calls me the fucking Singaporean."
Amidst its prohibitively high cost of living, Singapore's ministers like Khaw Boon Wan and Mah Bow Tan have openly urged their citizens to send their parents to old folks homes in JB.
One such Singaporean family obediently complies with the directive, and sends their father to an old folks home in Johore Bahru.
After six months, they don't feel good about it and decide to go and check it out. After all, it's Malaysia .....
Upon seeing their father in JB, the first question they ask the old man is, "Ah Pa, how the 'chiu hoo kia' (a derogatory term for Malaysians) here treat you?"
"I'm ok here. People here have respect for one another. I like it here."
"True or not?", the son asks in disbelieve.
"Are you sure? This is Malaysia leh!", the daughter could not believe in what she hears.
"True lah, let me explain." The father clarifies, "You see, there is a retired judge staying here with us. He hasn't heard a case for the last five years, yet everyone here still calls him Tuan Hakim."
"Then there is a retired teacher here with us. He hasn't taught a class for the last eight years, yet everybody here still calls him Cikgu."
"And there is a retired violinist here. He hasn't played the instrument for ten years, everyone here still calls him Meastro."
"As for me, I haven't had sex for the last fifteen years, everyone here still calls me the fucking Singaporean."
What price freedom?
"I came across this brilliant quote by noble laureate Desmond Tutu which read “When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
When Facebook and Whatsaap came they had the Internet and we had the freedom.
They said it’s free. We closed our eyes. When we opened we had the Facebook & Whatsaap and they had our freedom."
"I came across this brilliant quote by noble laureate Desmond Tutu which read “When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
When Facebook and Whatsaap came they had the Internet and we had the freedom.
They said it’s free. We closed our eyes. When we opened we had the Facebook & Whatsaap and they had our freedom."
Apple vs Windows
Hilarious corporate rivalry; try and beat this one!
Notice on entry gate of a Apple Store in New York: "Don't ever fart here; the smell will stay for ages.
We don't have Windows"
And Tit for Tat from Microsoft in their premises: "Anyone visiting us here can be free to use Windows in case you need to release stale gas from yesterday's half eaten apple. We have been providing open window systems to the world since ages" :p
Hilarious corporate rivalry; try and beat this one!
Notice on entry gate of a Apple Store in New York: "Don't ever fart here; the smell will stay for ages.
We don't have Windows"
And Tit for Tat from Microsoft in their premises: "Anyone visiting us here can be free to use Windows in case you need to release stale gas from yesterday's half eaten apple. We have been providing open window systems to the world since ages" :p
Two beggars in London
Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...
Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib asks Ali :-
'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads
'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Ali says No wonder you only get £2- £3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Ali shows Habib his sign....
It reads,
'I only need another £10 to move back to my country'.
*Product positioning is so important in sales*!
------
Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...
Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib asks Ali :-
'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads
'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Ali says No wonder you only get £2- £3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Ali shows Habib his sign....
It reads,
'I only need another £10 to move back to my country'.
*Product positioning is so important in sales*!
------
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