Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

A women is having sex with her lover in an apartment 20 stories high. Suddenly her husband returns from a long trip, and she hears him approaching in the apartment, So she tells the lover: "do not move at all... I will resolve this situation!"

Comes the husband: "who is this?" asked the husband

Wife: "oh sweetie .... this is jus a robot I bought to have s#x with when u not around, so that I don't have to cheat with your friends or with the neighbours .... I did it because u spend all the time travelling and u know that I .... uhhm .... have needs!!"

Husband: "oh honey I understand perfectly well .... I believe u .... ok let's do a quickie now, I came home as fast as I can and I'm extremely horny now!!"

Wife: " OH NO DARLLING .... yesterday I got my period .... u better take a bath, I'll prepare u sumthing to eat so long"

The lover is left with the husband in the room alone, while the wife walked out to the kitchen.

Husband: "Damm I'm so horny .... I am going to fuck this robot instead .... he tries entering the robot from his behind.

With a metallic and robotic voice the lover proclaims :"SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE!! .... SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE!!" The husband says: "fuck this crappy robot .... I'm going to throw it out of the god damn window!!" .... the lover realises that he's 20 stories high in the apartment and exclaims: "SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!! SOFTWARE UPDATE!!!! U MAY TRY AGAIN .... I REPEAT .... TRY AGAIN!!!"

No wonder outsourcing is so popular in India.
A Husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a ‘PHONE CALL’ so that the kids will not decode.
One day, the husband sent his son to tell his mother that, "Daddy wants to make a phone call. Mother replies: Tell your Dad that the Network is down today.
Dad to his son, "Go tell your mother that if there is no Network at home, I will go to a Public Phone”.
Mother tells her son to go and tell his dad, "if he dare go to a Public Phone, she will open a Call Center at home.

Sex on Mars


The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier
miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and
are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock
market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?"

asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.


Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the
night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to
a bedroom where the Martian strips.


He's got only a teeny, weenie willy - about half an inch long and just
quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"


Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long
pencil, it's still pretty narrow ...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate
ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping

my forehead and pulling my ears."

A married lawyer had been having fun in his car with his secretary.
On getting home, his wife saw a pair of panties on the back seat. She
tore it apart, screaming, "What the hell is this? What have you been
up to??"
He calmly replied, "You have just destroyed the evidence of the rape
case worth a million for me, which I'm handling. You can forget the
jewellery you wanted!"
She quickly fell on her knees apologising.
No one wins over a Lawyer, even something called A WIFE.

If the global crisis continues, by the end of the year only two Banks will be operational, the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

Then these 2 banks will merge and it will be called

"The Bloody Fucking Bank"

hornylee said:

... Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank! 2 banks will merge and it will be called "The Bloody Fucking Bank"

Click to expand...

Good sexist funnies here. :p

See my nick its hornylee

yinyang said:

Good sexist funnies here. :p

Click to expand...

Oh and thanks too. Appreciate it and will search for more to post.

To all the golfers out there - are they talking about you???

A Priest, a doctor, a rich businessman (all Australians) and a
Singaporean were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of
golfers in front of them.

The Singaporean fumed .... 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting
fifteen minutes between shots!'

The doctor chimed in, 'It’s true, but I've never seen such poor golf.’

The rich businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The priest said, 'Here comes the Marshall. Let's have a word with him.'

'Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead
of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free any time.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight.'

The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for
them.'

The rich businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire
fighters union in honour of these brave souls!'

And the Singaporean said, 'Tiu nia seng, why can't these guys play at
night ??!!'

.... now, that's the true Singaporean spirit!!!!

Here are the glorious top 10 winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Sarare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief in the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. that's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family...

unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend.

In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Good Quote

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit

Mutland's political digs:p

Prospective Employer to Applicant: ' So why did you leave your previous job?'
Applicant: ' The company relocated and they did not tell me where!'
________________________________________________________________
Wife: ' Sir, I would like to call on my husband who left me and brought all our five kids wth him.'
Radio Host: ' Ok, go ahead!'
Wife: ' Sweetheart, please return back all the kids, actually only one of them is yours.'
_______________________________________________________________
Hello! I'm here again. My mind is all muddled up. I just want to ask something. I know that you will be able to help me out. Is BIRDS FLU the past tense of BIRDS FLY?
_______________________________________________________________
You were riding a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud. Every time you farted, you timed it with the music. When you were going down the bus, everybody were throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realized . . . . . that you have your MP3 player on your ears !
______________________________________________________________
WIFE: It's a miracle! You came home early.
HUSBAND: I just obeyed what my boss told me to do. He said: 'GO TO HELL', that's why I came home early.
_______________________________________________________________
1st night grandma wore a see-thru dress, grandpa didn't react...
2nd night grandma wore t-back, grandpa still didn't react...
3rd night grandma all naked, grandpa said 'what is that you are wearing, it's all crumpled!!'
_______________________________________________________________
John: it's my wife's birthday
Peter: what's your gift to her?
John: i asked her what she wanted
Peter: what did she said?
John: anything, as long a there is a DIAMOND.
Peter: what did you gave her?
John: playing cards

hornylee said:

Oh and thanks too. Appreciate it and will search for more to post.

Click to expand...

Keep up with your contributions bro..a dose of joke never faiLs to Lighten the spirit..
One Up for you..

Fishypie said:

Keep up with your contributions bro..a dose of joke never faiLs to Lighten the spirit..
One Up for you..

Click to expand...

Thank you bro for the kind words and also the points. Bro yinyang thank you also . I will look and post again when i free.

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says,
" Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want. "
The Russian begins thinking,
" Well I really like drinking vodka. " Finally the Russian says,
" I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka. "

The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it.
He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka.
Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka.
So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife,
" Natasha, Natasha, come quickly."
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it.
He tells her to drink, that it is vodka.
Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted.
The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.
He proceeds to piss in the two glasses.
The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.
She gets the glass but asks him
" Boris, why do we only need one glass? " Boris raises the glass and says,
" Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle. "

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around
the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu
for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on
the heat, and to come ask you.'



He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep
Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'



The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on
the leash..



Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'



(You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)...............



The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the
block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

*Guido, the Italian Lover*

*A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at
his
favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young
blonde
woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to
his
apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom
where he
rattled her senseless.*

*After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'*

*She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'*

*Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time
she
thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.*

*The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You
finish?'*

*Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to
him
and softly says, 'No.'*

*Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Guido
reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he
barely
manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and
ripping
the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able
to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked
again,
'You finish?'*

*Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,
'No, I Norwegian'.*

RISQUÉ RIDDLES


Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new
car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an org*sm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe s*x?
A.. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between '*ooooooh*'and ' *aaaaaaah*'?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes..

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!