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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine
- Thread starter yinyang
- Start date
wah this is a good thread of a friday afternoon. lol!!
Breakfast
A local lady was having breakfast at the fancy Ritz-Carlton restaurant down in Naples.
She was making a bit of a fuss. "Now, young man," she demanded of the waiter, "make sure my toast is crisp, my egg is soft but not runny, and I will not abide sausage with the mixed grill. One sight of sausage makes the short curly hairs on the back of my head stand on end."
"What a coincidence," commented the waiter. "Usually, just the sight of short curly hairs makes my sausage stand on end."
~~~~~~~~
Shorts & Limericks
Son: Dad, why's my sister named Florence?
Dad: Because she was conceived in Florence, Italy.
Son: Thanks, Dad.
Dad: You're welcome, Backseat.
Roses are red. Nuts are round. Skirts go up. Panties go down. Belly to belly. Skin to skin. When it's stiff, stick it in.
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Sex, drugs, rock & roll; speed, weed, & birth control. Life's a bitch and then you die, so Fuck the world and lets get high!
----------------------------------------------------------
I'm trying to write a joke about unemployed people ... But it needs more work.
---------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Relationships used to be X's an O's , now its just Exes and Hoes...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.
------------------------------------------------
I wish I had parents like Dora. They let that bitch go everywhere.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A PENIS is the lightest thing in the world. Even a thought can raise it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Real men don't wear pink, they eat it.
-----------------------------------------
There once was this guy called Mike,
who met this chick he really liked.
He tried to get near,
and she gave him a sneer,
cause the chick was a full-fledged dyke.
------------------------------------------
A court today ruled that American money discriminates against blind people because they can't tell the bills apart.
I don't think that's true, because the one-dollar bills always smell like strippers."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: "Can you explain how this lipstick got on your collar?"
Husband: No I can’t. I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the girl chasing the boy around the church?
She caught him by the organ!
~~~~~~~~
A local lady was having breakfast at the fancy Ritz-Carlton restaurant down in Naples.
She was making a bit of a fuss. "Now, young man," she demanded of the waiter, "make sure my toast is crisp, my egg is soft but not runny, and I will not abide sausage with the mixed grill. One sight of sausage makes the short curly hairs on the back of my head stand on end."
"What a coincidence," commented the waiter. "Usually, just the sight of short curly hairs makes my sausage stand on end."
~~~~~~~~
Shorts & Limericks
Son: Dad, why's my sister named Florence?
Dad: Because she was conceived in Florence, Italy.
Son: Thanks, Dad.
Dad: You're welcome, Backseat.
Roses are red. Nuts are round. Skirts go up. Panties go down. Belly to belly. Skin to skin. When it's stiff, stick it in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex, drugs, rock & roll; speed, weed, & birth control. Life's a bitch and then you die, so Fuck the world and lets get high!
----------------------------------------------------------
I'm trying to write a joke about unemployed people ... But it needs more work.
---------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Relationships used to be X's an O's , now its just Exes and Hoes...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.
------------------------------------------------
I wish I had parents like Dora. They let that bitch go everywhere.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A PENIS is the lightest thing in the world. Even a thought can raise it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Real men don't wear pink, they eat it.
-----------------------------------------
There once was this guy called Mike,
who met this chick he really liked.
He tried to get near,
and she gave him a sneer,
cause the chick was a full-fledged dyke.
------------------------------------------
A court today ruled that American money discriminates against blind people because they can't tell the bills apart.
I don't think that's true, because the one-dollar bills always smell like strippers."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: "Can you explain how this lipstick got on your collar?"
Husband: No I can’t. I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the girl chasing the boy around the church?
She caught him by the organ!
~~~~~~~~
Breakdown
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons, Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
"Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.
Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me neither," says Jed. "Let's take these things off."
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons, Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
"Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.
Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me neither," says Jed. "Let's take these things off."
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