How Many Ministers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
Wednesday, 10 January 2007, 4:47 am | 234 views
The PAP recently held a closed door, secret meeting to discuss the issue of lightbulbs in Singapore. Below is the transcript of the meeting which was leaked out.
Lee Hsien Loong: Gentlemen and ladies… I am very happy to announce that 66.6% of the people want to buy our new Progress Lightbulbs, according to our nationwide survey in May. It is a very strong signal to us.
Denise Phua: But sir, something is wrong. I know that something has gone wrong when more than 85 per cent (of the traffic on the internet) writes negatively about the lightbulbs. This is something that the PAP would do well to take into account … and to manage this channel of communication.
LHL: But Denise, already some people are afraid to speak up for fear of saying the wrong thing, or being taken to task. But for debate to be fruitful, it has to be rigorous and not held back out of concern for egos and sensitivities
Lee Boon Yang: You mean like that Mr Brown fella?
LHL: Er.. sometimes as parents we have to let go a little, Boon Yang. Take some risks as parents so that the child can also learn. Let them take knocks and scrapes as they grow up. Yes.
LBY: If Mr Brown had posted his comments on his blog, we would have treated it as part of the internet chatter and we would have just let it be. But he didn’t post it. He wrote it and published it in a mainstream newspaper. That’s the difference.
Bhavani: Correct! Instead of a diatribe Mr Brown should offer constructive lightbulbs alternatives. And he should come out from behind his pseudonym to defend his lightbulbs openly.
Wong Kan Seng: Exactly. I mean, what is the consequence of saying something that is challenged? Is the consequence being locked up in jail, disappearing in the middle of the night without any lightbulbs and you don’t come back? Get real. Come on, we live in the real world in Singapore. Our lightbulbs are world class!
LHL: Kan Seng, why you always so smart huh? People, we must maintain unity and trust between the leadership and the people, between those who support the Government’s lightbulbs and those who prefer something different – like candles or firewood. Many of those who voted for the opposition in fact want a PAP lightbulb, but I respect their choice.
Lee Kuan Yew: Loong, worry not. If there is a freak result and everyone wants the opposition lightbulbs, within two or three years, the army will come in and stop it. Heh heh…
LHL: But daddy, bringing in the army…is that good?
LKY: Look here, Loony. If I have to shoot 200,000 sinkies to save Singapore from another 100 years of disorder, so be it.
Everyone: *gulp*
Goh Chok Tong: But Loong, you sure those who supported the opposition want our PAP lightbulbs? Was it the rejection of our lightbulbs or was it they wanted Low Thia Khiang’s lightbulbs … and they still would like to have part of the PAP lightbulbs? I don’t know. I am confused!
LHL: Tong, it doesn’t matter. Now that the elections are over, we should come together again as one lightbulb. Our lightbulb has been one of Singapore’s key strengths and you must continue to make it so! We must stay ahead and move together. Or is it move together and stay ahead?? Haha.. even I can’t remember. Hahaha..
GCT: But Loong…
LKY: Lau Goh! Stop it! No need to ask anymore! If I am still fit and capable of making another speech like this, I’ll be there, I will stand with you next time.
GCT: But….
LKY: Learn from me! See how I tarok that Gomes fella with my lightning speeches?
George Yeo: He thinks singaporeans are such simplistic, gullible people. You go to a supermarket, you take a big lightbulb and put it in your shopping bag. Having walked out, you get caught with your hand in the bag and you say it was an honest mistake. I don’t think it’s that simple.
Everyone: Ya lor, ya lor.
GCT: But Gomes he…….the police let him go… he…
LKY: It is in the AG’s authority to exercise his discretion, but his decision not to prosecute does not, in any way, make James Gomez less of a liar or less dishonest. I reiterate what I have called him, a liar and dishonest, and that Ms Sylvia Lim and Mr Low Thia Khiang did not act honourably by shielding his lightbulb. If Gomez claims he is not a liar nor dishonest, he can go to court to clear his name.
GCT: But I want to say this! Old people, the disabled, the wheelchair-bound. I saw many of them in Hougang… I feel we should help them. This is not politics. Whether Eric Low wins or Low Thia Khiang wins, we are going to help the old people in Hougang. They deserve our better lightbulbs. They struggled with Mr Lee Kuan Yew, they struggled with me. Today, they’re in their 70s. Without them, we won’t have today’s Singapore for the young, Internet-savvy Singaporeans. So we never forget them. We will help them regardless of the outcome.
Khaw Boon Wan: SM, I fully agree with you. Many other sins you can plead to your God and say, sorry, I repent … But lack of filial piety, dumping your elderly is inexcusable. Straight down to the 18th level of hell!
LHL: That’s so sweet… *sob sob*
KBW: I have a better idea for old people who want cheap lightbulbs. My personal view is, our lightbulbs are expensive. But we have nearby lightbulbs in Johor, Batam and Bintan. The elderly want their lightbulbs cheap. So lightbulbs villages in neighbouring countries is possible, barring the cross-border hassle. It is best to find cheap bulbs on short leases. We can dump our old folks there cheaply!
Teo Chee Hean: Then what about your 18 level of hell?
KBW: To hell with it!
Vivian Balakrishnan: But lightbulbs villages are not exciting, unlike bar top dancing. They’re boring..
KBW: I think I’d rather be boring. If you want real excitement, go to Africa. In Rwanda, people are killing each other over lightbulbs. Tribal wars. Little girls being raped. Absolutely not boring at all.
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LHL: Boon Wan, true! But we must not allow ourselves to be divided between haves-lightbulbs and haves-not-lightbulbs, or winners and losers … if we let a lightbulb of envy drive a wedge between us, our society will be destroyed, and all will suffer in darkness. That must never happen. So I am going to do something about it. I am going to introduce WORKFARE!
Everyone: Huh??? Simi???
LHL: Huh simi huh? Workfare is a way to encourage low-income Singaporeans who are working and to reward them. So, for every lightbulb you earn through your own efforts, the Government will give you some more lightbulbs.
GCT: Elections tend to divide the people, in any country, because we fight over lightbulbs. It was heated during the campaign but let us not let the campaigning over the lightbulbs divide us. Now that it is over, it is important to recognise that we are all Singaporeans. Let’s unite. Let’s face the more serious challenges ahead of us…
LHL: Lau Goh, what’re you talking about. The elections are over. You lost. Now, move on!
GCT: But Hougang and Potong Pasir…
LKY: When I call a man openly, you’re a liar, you’re dishonest, and you do not dare to sue me, there’s something basically wrong.
LHL: Okayyyyy…. Lets move on…
GY: We talked about the Gomez affair and we talked about a perception that we were trying very hard as a party to win back the lightbulbs in Hougang and Potong Pasir, and many Singaporeans, I would say, would not want an outcome where the PAP won all 84 lightbulbs. They don’t think it is healthy. In fact I share that view too; it wouldn’t be healthy, to be very honest. The residents of Hougang and Potong Pasir will be living in darkness!
LHL: George! How can you say that? Right now we have Low Thia Khiang, Chiam See Tong, Steve Chia. We can deal with them. Suppose you had 10, 15, 20 opposition members in Parliament. Instead of spending my time thinking what is the right lightbulb for Singapore, I’m going to spend all my time thinking what’s the right way to fix the lightbulbs, to buy my supporters’ lightbulbs, how can I solve this week’s lightbulb problem and forget about next year’s lightbulbs challenges?
Sitoh Yih Pin: Mr Mah has agreed that if we are successful in the next election, he will help us secure an amount that can be used for getting better lightbulbs.
Mah Bow Tan: Huh? Did I?
STYP: Yes, you did. This is a massive amount considering that we only have 8,000 families, 15,888 lightbulbs. It’s going to benefit all the residents in the Potong Pasir constituency, including those in Toa Payoh Lorong 8 and Sennett Estate. The whole area will be dazzlingly bright!
LKY: What next elections? You already lost us 2 elections! So shut the **** up!
Eric Low (with head in hands): Free breakfast… $2 abalone porridge… free tours to Malaysia…. *sob sob*
GCT: Eric, don’t worry. Low Thia Khiang can still ask for the money to upgrade Hougang’s lightbulbs.
MBT: HUH?? Who say? The ligthbulb package that was offered for Hougang was part of the PAP candidate’s programme for residents in the estate. The residents there decided that they are not ready to say ‘yes’ to the package. We will respect their decision.
LHL: People! Can we move on???
Ng Eng Hen: Let me say one last thing about the Workers’ Party. They always give us problems but do they have solutions? Can they bring the price of lightbulbs down? Can they stop lightbulb factories from pulling out of Singapore and find you jobs? Can they bring down the price of rice, a loaf of bread, a cup of coffee? Can they bring down the GST?
Lim Swee Say: Hen, we also cannot bring down the GST what. In fact, we’re increasing the GST.
The above is, of course, entirely satirical and should only be treated as such.
Wednesday, 10 January 2007, 4:47 am | 234 views
The PAP recently held a closed door, secret meeting to discuss the issue of lightbulbs in Singapore. Below is the transcript of the meeting which was leaked out.
Lee Hsien Loong: Gentlemen and ladies… I am very happy to announce that 66.6% of the people want to buy our new Progress Lightbulbs, according to our nationwide survey in May. It is a very strong signal to us.
Denise Phua: But sir, something is wrong. I know that something has gone wrong when more than 85 per cent (of the traffic on the internet) writes negatively about the lightbulbs. This is something that the PAP would do well to take into account … and to manage this channel of communication.
LHL: But Denise, already some people are afraid to speak up for fear of saying the wrong thing, or being taken to task. But for debate to be fruitful, it has to be rigorous and not held back out of concern for egos and sensitivities
Lee Boon Yang: You mean like that Mr Brown fella?
LHL: Er.. sometimes as parents we have to let go a little, Boon Yang. Take some risks as parents so that the child can also learn. Let them take knocks and scrapes as they grow up. Yes.
LBY: If Mr Brown had posted his comments on his blog, we would have treated it as part of the internet chatter and we would have just let it be. But he didn’t post it. He wrote it and published it in a mainstream newspaper. That’s the difference.
Bhavani: Correct! Instead of a diatribe Mr Brown should offer constructive lightbulbs alternatives. And he should come out from behind his pseudonym to defend his lightbulbs openly.
Wong Kan Seng: Exactly. I mean, what is the consequence of saying something that is challenged? Is the consequence being locked up in jail, disappearing in the middle of the night without any lightbulbs and you don’t come back? Get real. Come on, we live in the real world in Singapore. Our lightbulbs are world class!
LHL: Kan Seng, why you always so smart huh? People, we must maintain unity and trust between the leadership and the people, between those who support the Government’s lightbulbs and those who prefer something different – like candles or firewood. Many of those who voted for the opposition in fact want a PAP lightbulb, but I respect their choice.
Lee Kuan Yew: Loong, worry not. If there is a freak result and everyone wants the opposition lightbulbs, within two or three years, the army will come in and stop it. Heh heh…
LHL: But daddy, bringing in the army…is that good?
LKY: Look here, Loony. If I have to shoot 200,000 sinkies to save Singapore from another 100 years of disorder, so be it.
Everyone: *gulp*
Goh Chok Tong: But Loong, you sure those who supported the opposition want our PAP lightbulbs? Was it the rejection of our lightbulbs or was it they wanted Low Thia Khiang’s lightbulbs … and they still would like to have part of the PAP lightbulbs? I don’t know. I am confused!
LHL: Tong, it doesn’t matter. Now that the elections are over, we should come together again as one lightbulb. Our lightbulb has been one of Singapore’s key strengths and you must continue to make it so! We must stay ahead and move together. Or is it move together and stay ahead?? Haha.. even I can’t remember. Hahaha..
GCT: But Loong…
LKY: Lau Goh! Stop it! No need to ask anymore! If I am still fit and capable of making another speech like this, I’ll be there, I will stand with you next time.
GCT: But….
LKY: Learn from me! See how I tarok that Gomes fella with my lightning speeches?
George Yeo: He thinks singaporeans are such simplistic, gullible people. You go to a supermarket, you take a big lightbulb and put it in your shopping bag. Having walked out, you get caught with your hand in the bag and you say it was an honest mistake. I don’t think it’s that simple.
Everyone: Ya lor, ya lor.
GCT: But Gomes he…….the police let him go… he…
LKY: It is in the AG’s authority to exercise his discretion, but his decision not to prosecute does not, in any way, make James Gomez less of a liar or less dishonest. I reiterate what I have called him, a liar and dishonest, and that Ms Sylvia Lim and Mr Low Thia Khiang did not act honourably by shielding his lightbulb. If Gomez claims he is not a liar nor dishonest, he can go to court to clear his name.
GCT: But I want to say this! Old people, the disabled, the wheelchair-bound. I saw many of them in Hougang… I feel we should help them. This is not politics. Whether Eric Low wins or Low Thia Khiang wins, we are going to help the old people in Hougang. They deserve our better lightbulbs. They struggled with Mr Lee Kuan Yew, they struggled with me. Today, they’re in their 70s. Without them, we won’t have today’s Singapore for the young, Internet-savvy Singaporeans. So we never forget them. We will help them regardless of the outcome.
Khaw Boon Wan: SM, I fully agree with you. Many other sins you can plead to your God and say, sorry, I repent … But lack of filial piety, dumping your elderly is inexcusable. Straight down to the 18th level of hell!
LHL: That’s so sweet… *sob sob*
KBW: I have a better idea for old people who want cheap lightbulbs. My personal view is, our lightbulbs are expensive. But we have nearby lightbulbs in Johor, Batam and Bintan. The elderly want their lightbulbs cheap. So lightbulbs villages in neighbouring countries is possible, barring the cross-border hassle. It is best to find cheap bulbs on short leases. We can dump our old folks there cheaply!
Teo Chee Hean: Then what about your 18 level of hell?
KBW: To hell with it!
Vivian Balakrishnan: But lightbulbs villages are not exciting, unlike bar top dancing. They’re boring..
KBW: I think I’d rather be boring. If you want real excitement, go to Africa. In Rwanda, people are killing each other over lightbulbs. Tribal wars. Little girls being raped. Absolutely not boring at all.
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LHL: Boon Wan, true! But we must not allow ourselves to be divided between haves-lightbulbs and haves-not-lightbulbs, or winners and losers … if we let a lightbulb of envy drive a wedge between us, our society will be destroyed, and all will suffer in darkness. That must never happen. So I am going to do something about it. I am going to introduce WORKFARE!
Everyone: Huh??? Simi???
LHL: Huh simi huh? Workfare is a way to encourage low-income Singaporeans who are working and to reward them. So, for every lightbulb you earn through your own efforts, the Government will give you some more lightbulbs.
GCT: Elections tend to divide the people, in any country, because we fight over lightbulbs. It was heated during the campaign but let us not let the campaigning over the lightbulbs divide us. Now that it is over, it is important to recognise that we are all Singaporeans. Let’s unite. Let’s face the more serious challenges ahead of us…
LHL: Lau Goh, what’re you talking about. The elections are over. You lost. Now, move on!
GCT: But Hougang and Potong Pasir…
LKY: When I call a man openly, you’re a liar, you’re dishonest, and you do not dare to sue me, there’s something basically wrong.
LHL: Okayyyyy…. Lets move on…
GY: We talked about the Gomez affair and we talked about a perception that we were trying very hard as a party to win back the lightbulbs in Hougang and Potong Pasir, and many Singaporeans, I would say, would not want an outcome where the PAP won all 84 lightbulbs. They don’t think it is healthy. In fact I share that view too; it wouldn’t be healthy, to be very honest. The residents of Hougang and Potong Pasir will be living in darkness!
LHL: George! How can you say that? Right now we have Low Thia Khiang, Chiam See Tong, Steve Chia. We can deal with them. Suppose you had 10, 15, 20 opposition members in Parliament. Instead of spending my time thinking what is the right lightbulb for Singapore, I’m going to spend all my time thinking what’s the right way to fix the lightbulbs, to buy my supporters’ lightbulbs, how can I solve this week’s lightbulb problem and forget about next year’s lightbulbs challenges?
Sitoh Yih Pin: Mr Mah has agreed that if we are successful in the next election, he will help us secure an amount that can be used for getting better lightbulbs.
Mah Bow Tan: Huh? Did I?
STYP: Yes, you did. This is a massive amount considering that we only have 8,000 families, 15,888 lightbulbs. It’s going to benefit all the residents in the Potong Pasir constituency, including those in Toa Payoh Lorong 8 and Sennett Estate. The whole area will be dazzlingly bright!
LKY: What next elections? You already lost us 2 elections! So shut the **** up!
Eric Low (with head in hands): Free breakfast… $2 abalone porridge… free tours to Malaysia…. *sob sob*
GCT: Eric, don’t worry. Low Thia Khiang can still ask for the money to upgrade Hougang’s lightbulbs.
MBT: HUH?? Who say? The ligthbulb package that was offered for Hougang was part of the PAP candidate’s programme for residents in the estate. The residents there decided that they are not ready to say ‘yes’ to the package. We will respect their decision.
LHL: People! Can we move on???
Ng Eng Hen: Let me say one last thing about the Workers’ Party. They always give us problems but do they have solutions? Can they bring the price of lightbulbs down? Can they stop lightbulb factories from pulling out of Singapore and find you jobs? Can they bring down the price of rice, a loaf of bread, a cup of coffee? Can they bring down the GST?
Lim Swee Say: Hen, we also cannot bring down the GST what. In fact, we’re increasing the GST.
The above is, of course, entirely satirical and should only be treated as such.