ADULT JOKES - to brighten your day‏

A judge asked a woman on why she wanted a divorce.
She answered, "Your Honor, he knew I'm a vegetarian and yet he still insists on
putting his meat in my mouth."


Woman: "Doc, an ant entered my
vaginal, can you please take it out".


Doctor removes her panties and start making love.
Woman: "What are you doing?"

Doctor: "This is the only way to drown the
bastard!"


Q: What is the closest thing similar to a
woman's period?
Answer: Your SALARY. It comes once a month last 3 - 4 days
& if it doesn't come you are in deep trouble!



A lady visited her doctor again, Dr. said: U
look more sick & exhausted than before. Are u having 3
meals a day as I advised?
Lady: WHAT? I thought U said 3 MALES a day!!!!



Women asked God to make The Penis Pretty.
GOD Said "No way; Now As It Is, The Penis is so ugly
& U still Suck It. If I make it Pretty You'll Eat It
up!!


A nun went 4 a urine test. The sample got
mixed up. When the doctor told her she was
pregnant.

She cried n said, "Shit, we can't even
trust cucumber anymore.!"



A boy pulls down his pants in front of a
girl & asked " Do U have this? "
The girl lifted up her skirt & said, " My mom said
with this I can have a lot of THAT!"



Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the
SEX EDUCATION".
Class Teacher: " Why not?"

Schoolgirl: "Someone told me the FINAL EXAM would be
ORAL!"

Mother asks daughter, how is married life?
Daughter shyly says like BRITISH AIRWAYS.

Mother reads the advertisement & is shocked. It says
" 7 DAYS A WEEK,TWICE A DAY, BOTH WAYS!


What is the STRONGEST muscle?


TONGUE - It can raise a woman's hip with just
one lick!.
The lightest
muscle?

PENIS! It can be raised by a woman's tongue!



Lady Immigration officer asked a
Korean tourist: Name? Park Yu.
The 0fficer become angry & shouted back: FUCK YOU! Now
what's your full name?

Korean replied: PARK YU TOO!!

Man to wife: Business is bad, if u learn how
to cook we can remove servant.

Wife: ASSHOLE! If u learn how to fuck, we can remove
driver, gardener & watchman..

COCK say to his two BALLS: I am going to
take you with me to a party.

BALLS said: You big fucking liar. You always get INSIDE and
leave us waiting OUTSIDE!

A baby dog asked mama dog how papa look
like?

Mama dog reply: How I know. Your papa came from behind
& I didn't have chance to see his face" !



What's the difference between stress,
tension & panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, tension is when girlfriend
is pregnant,
PANIC is when both are pregnant!

What is a KISS?

It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION that will
lead to further PENETRATION with fast ACCELERATION that will build next
GENERATION.

===================================

What men do after sex?

2% eat; 3% smoke cigarettes; 4% take a shower; 5% go to
sleep and 86% get up and go back home to their wives.

===================================

Why is the penis better than a credit card?

(a) Once spent it recharges itself.
(b) It is accepted worldwide.
(c) You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.


===================================

LITTLE GIRL : Mommy, I just found out that our
neighbour's son has a penis like a
peanut!
MUM : You mean it's small?
LITTLE GIRL: No it's salty!!!

===================================

A couple recently married was happy with the whole
thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

===================================

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your
babies?

MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are
customer COMPLAINTS.

===================================

Women top 5 lies: from the whitest down

5. I am a virgin.
4. It is so big.
3. I can't do that to my best friend.
2. I won't gain weight after marriage
1. I am coming! I am coming!!!

===================================

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to
play magic.

She says: What is that?

He says: We go Home, screw, and then you disappear.

===================================

Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven
first?

A Kid replied : The legs....because everynight I see my
mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING".

===================================

Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?

Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend say,
"TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY".

===================================

What's the difference between a panty and a stage
curtain?

Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is
over, but when you pull down the PANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME..

===================================

AGES OF VAGINA :

16 TO 19 BRAND NEW.
20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED
29 TO 36 SECOND HAND
37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR
46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION
56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK
61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!

===================================

MUM: Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast
say "DON'T". And if he touches your pussy say STOP!

GIRL : But mum, he touched both, so I told him DON'T
STOP!!!!"

===================================

GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES

9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!!

Tks man! laughing all the way.It's really hilarious!

Priest and His Baby

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".
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A Good Wank

A young boy of about fourteen and his father are avid woodsmen. One day, on a trip to the country, dusk catches them in the woods. They set up their tent and, after dinner, they go to sleep. The man wakes up in the middle of the night and says to his son, "What are you doing, son?"
After a short silence he answers, "I'm wanking, father."
"Oh. And how is it going?" he asks.
Another minute of awkward silence passes.
"It is hard, but I can't really feel anything," says the boy.
To which his father replies, "You should maybe try it with your own cock, then."
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Three Kinds

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?" asks the boy.

"Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
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Early Retirement

The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted
men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked
out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant
Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From
the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and
instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical
officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, "Vietnam".
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Viagra and Food

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a
slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. 'A bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra....I'm
still not hungry.'

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'
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daddy how was i born?

Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

you've got male!
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The Beautiful Teacher

A pretty teacher was concerned with one of her students.

Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"
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Good laugh

French Prostitutes

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
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a cat a dog and a penis

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
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3 Girls on a Plane

There were 3 girls on a plane thats about to crash.

The American girl puts on her makeup, "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first" she said.

French girl opens her bra,"Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful tits."

The African removes her knickers and says "Fuck off, they all ways look for the black box first."
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Someone is coming

A guy is walking into his apt. room one day when he see a beautiful young woman standing outside her door in nothing but a towel. she waves him over and says," you wanna see whats under this towel?" she slowly starts to undo the towel when she stops and says " I think I hear sombody coming, we better go inside." So they go into her room and she proceeds undoing her towel. After it is completely off she asks, "What do you like the best?" The man replies, " your ears". She says "my ears? what about these tits, or my ass or my pussy? why do you like my ears?" The man replies, "remember in the hallway when you said your heard somebody coming,...it was me!"

Farm Help

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't
return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
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The Little Bird

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

A guy asks his wife if he can cum in her ear, she says hell no i might go deaf. he says but i cum in your mouth all the time and you never shut the fuck up.