A CNY Trilogy of Grief & Closure - Part 3 (The Song Of The Prodigal Son)
When you sent me to primary school on your grey Vespa scooter, I always wanted you to drop me off about 10 metres away from the school gate cos' I was ashamed. You looked funny with your half-cut red helmet and me in the white. Once my feet touched the ground, I ran for my life. I was hoping that none of my friends saw. I rather take the public bus but you persisted and thought it's convenient and cute. To me, you were an utter embarrassment.
When I kept getting red marks for my exams, I ran up to you at the lift lobby when you were about to leave for work at the dough factory in the middle of the night and asked you to sign my report book without telling mother. You would always signed it and asked me to do better next time while I was just busy thinking about where to hide my report book till the next morning. When mother eventually found out, you fought with her in my defence. Honestly, I didn't care.
When you attended the annual Hungry Ghost Festival dinner at the void deck, you always wanted me to go with mother instead. You knew I like to eat. Though I refused, I would still run up to you and mother for a quick bite while playing nearby. Instead of eating, you left behind your share for me. When you brought back the discarded bread from the factory and told us it's still edible I thought you were a beggar.
When you asked me whether I could get into the "Express Stream" I always said yes. It was a lie. When you shouted at me threatening to break my leg if I ever get into the "Normal Stream" I wasn't afraid. I knew I would do badly but it didn't matter cos' you ain't a role model in my eyes anyway. When it's time to collect the PSLE result, my first thought was to run away from home. Then you called in the morning from your security post and told me "Boy, whatever it is, remember to come home."
When I started mixing with bad company, you shouted and threatened to beat me up. I became worse and ran away from home at will. I stole, fought, gambled, got wasted, and rather be with my friends than to be at home. I heard you went around looking for me at one point but I wasn't impressed. You were uneducated, uncouth, a has-been gangster, a braggart, and poor. You were also naggy and enjoyed telling lame jokes in front of my friends at my expense.
When I did badly for my 'O Level', you suggested to me to take up the 'A Level' as a private candidate. But I wanted to be a rock star and study music or theatre. You insisted that I enrolled in a private school and so I did. To repay your insistence, I would marked my attendance, changed out from my uniform, and then joined my band friends in the music studio. I didn't even turn up for most of my papers. School's out and sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll were definitely in.
When I became aimless in life and a depressive alcoholic, you told me that I should drink at home instead in case of trouble. I didn't care. And true enough, when the police called in the middle of the night telling you that I had jumped out from a moving taxi and landed by the road kerb totally wasted, you and mother quickly came to the scene and brought me home. In the process, you sprained your back. I could have landed in the lock-up that night. But I wasn't grateful and kept on.
Then the unthinkable happened which changed my life forever.
I went into an alcoholic rage. I turned the house outside down and I became violent to everyone in sight. I beat up my girlfriend and I almost beat you up too. Then, we were living on the 23rd floor of a rented apartment. I almost threw my girlfriend and myself off the building till you swiftly wrestled me to the ground and gave me two tight slaps. I cried and passed out. You never hit me in my entire life no matter how rotten I was. But that day you did. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I woke up a few hours later and witnessed the carnage I had caused. You sat there puffing away on your cigarettes. Your brand was "Consulate" and the ashtray was full. I lighted a stick of "Camel" and sat beside you. We didn't speak or look at each other. As you extinguished your cigarette, you asked in your broken Mandarin mixed with Hokkien "Boy, what's hurting inside you so much? Didn't we give you our best?" I kept quiet as tears rolled down my face. Then came the words of wisdom from an uneducated man "Boy, have you ever been good for once? You've been bad all these years but have you ever try to be good to yourself? Try doing good and then decide."
I kept quiet throughout and went back into my room. Then, I had lost complete faith in everyone and everything. Myself included. I was godless and fearless and neither had the respect for my loved ones nor the authorities. It's either prison or death in a matter of time. I had hit rock bottom and I was only 22 years old. But somewhat I just uttered a silent prayer in my heart to whoever's up there asking for a change. And in the next few days, the healing began.
I stayed off the bottle for a start. Then one day, I chanced upon an advertisement in the papers promoting an external diploma in law programme from the University of London. Something clicked instantly. I then asked you for a chance to study again. You stared at me and scoffed. Understandably so. I begged again and you relented and gave me the $8000+ for the 1-year night course. To show my sincerity, I started to work odd jobs to get the momentum going.
I eventually passed and once again asked you for a chance to take it further in the UK. This time, it's at least $150k (when the exchange rate was at the highest at 3:1). There were a lot of reservations from all quarters but I knew you were hopeful. An education loan from the bank was subsequently taken with additional personal loans from the relatives. You were a prideful man so I knew how much of a beating it must had been for you and mother to secure all these.
I was excited but yet afraid - to disappoint again. During the send-off, you came and stood a distance from the group picture. I was expecting an emotional reaction but you kept a sullen face and said "Study hard ah and don't drink and do stupid things!". As I turned back and waved goodbye at the checkpoint, you promptly walked away first. That was you. Ever so proud and always acting so "macho". But deep down, I knew you were just a big friendly giant.
And as they all say, the rest is history.
After I became a lawyer, you once said in your usual broken Mandarin mixed with Hokkien "Boy, don't ever be arrogant. Lawyer only. Don't look down on people and don't just think about money. No money never mind but must have style!" It was our lingo. I always knew you as the man with a golden heart albeit the harsh choice of words and uncouth behaviour. At a young age, you showed me that there is always "honour amongst thieves". I didn't understand it but now I do.
And because of you, I knew what a second chance truly meant. You never gave up on me. Not even once. I was the most rebellious kid but yet you doted on me the most. You once said I was just like you when you were young. You didn't just believe in me but you believe with me and that changed my life. And because of you and your philosophy of life, I am now able to help and give hope to many out there. You are the unsung hero behind me that many do not know of.
As today marks your 71st birthday and also the eve of CNY, I just want to say "Pa, happy birthday and thank you for everything! Though CNY will never be the same without you but take heart that your legacy is with me now. With every passing CNY, I promise you that more lives will be saved and more love will be shared. For as long as I shall live, my love for the underprivileged will never fail. Just like your love for me."
People, thanks for reading and liking my trilogy. I hope this CNY is as meaningful for you as it is for me. May you truly find what you seek in this coming Year of the Goat! And don't forget to treasure your loved ones! Good health, good luck, and everybody HUAT AH!!!!!
