Tue, Apr 16, 2013
The New Paper
Woman had 3 abortions since she was undergrad
by Maureen Koh
She often wakes up in cold sweat, haunted by the nightmares of crying babies reaching out to her.
"I blame no one but myself," says the guilt-ridden financial consultant, who has had three abortions.
In an interview last week with The New Paper on Sunday, Ms Mary Tan, 30, recounts how she regretted her decisions.
Responding to Non-Constituency Member of Parliament Gerald Giam's question on the number of abortions in Parliament last week, the Ministry of Health (MOH) used abortion statistics for the period between 2003 and 2011.
The statistics show that more than half of the women who have abortions in Singapore are below 29 years old.
And one in three women who underwent abortions has had previous abortions.
Ms Tan is one of these women. Her first abortion was about 10 years ago, when she was an undergraduate.
She was dating a sales executive, but was also seeing a senior from her university.
When she found out she was pregnant, she was in a fix.
Ms Tan recounts: "I was not prepared to get married anyway, plus I didn't know who the father was. I was at a loss.
"I had my studies to focus on. I wasn't sure what would happen if I was forced to quit uni studies. I agonised over it for several days and could only share it with a close friend."
Her friend's immediate response was: Get an abortion. It's no big deal.
Time was also running out and Ms Tan was worried that the longer she delayed taking her decision, the slimmer the chance of aborting. It would also be risky.
Different priorities
Accompanied by her friend, she eventually went to a gynaecologist's clinic.
"It was a proper one, unlike what you see on TV, in dramas and shows. Nothing dodgy about it."
But before the abortion, she had to go through a counselling session with the doctor.
She was also shown a video which detailed the procedure and warned of its risk.
This is part of the process mandated by MOH.
Ms Tan says: "I think it was a way of trying to ensure that we knew what we were getting into, and that we wouldn't regret it.
"After all, it was a life that we are getting rid of."
The 10-minute video changed her mind - albeit for four days, which included the 48-hour cooling period.
"I changed my mind and decided to go home. I kept thinking about it and wondered if there was another way out," she says.
"Look, it wasn't a decision I made on the spur of the moment. I had considered all the options, weighed the pros and cons.
"Between that niggling feeling (of guilt) and my future, I finally picked what I felt was more important - my future."
She pauses for several seconds, then adds softly: "Yes, when you are young, your priorities are different."
It was a painless procedure that lasted less than two hours.
"But I didn't know there were other things that I should have taken care of. For example, I found out only much later (from friends) that an abortion is more physically exhausting than giving birth.
"I didn't take care of my health."
She also didn't abstain from sex.
She says: "I didn't tell my then-boyfriend about what I'd done."
Six months later, she found out she was pregnant again.
That was a blow.
Not ready to settle down
"I thought it was really so ridiculous. There are so many women out there who want a baby so badly but cannot conceive, and it was so easy for me."
This time, Ms Tan insisted, she "thought over it more intently".
And because she was certain it was her boyfriend's, she told him about it too.
"What I didn't expect was he'd be so excited. He immediately proposed and said we could get married right away.
"I was speechless. And fearful."
She adds: "He was really happy, but I was not. And I struggled over how I should let him know I wasn't ready to settle down."
What followed was several days of chats, cajoling, negotiations and then, arguments.
She was in a dilemma.
"On one hand, I was pleased he wanted to assume responsibility, but I felt he didn't think of me," says Ms Tan.
"I was a student, while he was working. He didn't have any idea of the kind of sacrifices I'd have to make, which included having to cope with what others would say or think of me.
"Not to forget my parents would kill me if they found out."
She adds: "He even told me if I didn't want the baby, I could just have it and then give it up to him. He was that adamant," recalls Ms Tan.
It was during one of their more heated debates over whether she should speak to a counsellor that she blurted out: "What's the difference? It's not like this will be my first abortion."
The revelation came as a blow to her boyfriend and he just walked off without a word. For the next three days, he didn't respond to her calls.
Unaware that her boyfriend needed the time to cool down, she thought he was avoiding her. Angry, she made an appointment with another gynaecologist.
It was also then that she was told the pregnancy didn't seem healthy and she was actually advised to consider an abortion.
"Frankly, I don't know if things could have turned out differently had it not been for that condition... maybe yes, maybe not. Who knows?" she says, shrugging her shoulders.
By the time Ms Tan's ex-boyfriend, who wants to be known only as Kevin, contacted her a week later, it was too late.
What angered him, he tells The New Paper on Sunday in a phone interview, wasn't that she had cheated on him, but that she made her decisions without consulting him.
"Not once, but twice! She took away a life, one that could have been the product of our love without my permission."
He says he has forgiven Ms Tan "after so many years" even though he still thinks about how life for them could have been.
Kevin adds: "Until today, when I see babies or little children, I'd wonder what it'd be like if we had our baby.
Guilty feelings and breaking down
"The general perception is that abortion is very female-oriented, but men, like myself, do have to live with the pain or even, guilt."
Ms Tan says she is aware of Kevin's feelings.
"But it wasn't like I didn't feel guilty or sad. I think I merely suppressed those feelings and refused to give it much thought."
Until three years ago, when Ms Tan found out she was pregnant again. Again, she wasn't ready.
"I had just been told I was being considered for a promotion at the bank and I felt a pregnancy then would have impacted my career path in the wrong way. I just wasn't prepared to lose (the promotion)," she says.
And to ensure she was not making another wrong move, she shared the news of her pregnancy with her boyfriend.
Ms Tan laughs derisively, and then says: "I was a coward. I wanted him to be the one (to decide) so I didn't have to live with another burden of guilt. Deep in my heart, I knew he'd say give it up because he's always made it clear he doesn't like kids."
The recurring nightmares came six months after that abortion.
"I'd dream of crying babies, asking me 'mummy, why did you kill me?', or that of a baby with outstretched arms asking to be carried. It was terrible," she says with a shudder.
"It was also then that all my guilty feelings surfaced and I nearly broke down."
After sinking into depression for several weeks, she finally confided in an aunt, who promptly advised to seek help - in a religious ritual that will lead the infant spirits to rest and give them a chance for reincarnation.
Says Ms Tan: "After two rituals - one for the first two abortions and another for the third - I felt somewhat better and the nightmares have recurred less often."
When asked if she had considered giving them up for adoption then, she shakes her head firmly.
"No, definitely not. For one, I didn't want to go through the nine months of being in a pregnant state, people are bound to gossip about me behind my back.
"And I would not want to go on with my life, wondering about the babies I had given away, or for them to turn up one day, asking for a reunion. I didn't want to take my chance then."
But she would lead a different sex life if she could turn back the clock.
"I'd insist on my partner using some form of contraception, since I'm allergic to the Pill," she says. "And that's what I do now."
"At least 48 hours to decide after counselling myself"
Sixty-five clinics in Singapore are licensed to perform abortions, according to a search on the Ministry of Health's (MOH) website. These clinics are spread over the heartland and many are also in town.
Dr Ben Choey, gynaecologist at private clinic SBCC Women's Clinic (Clementi), explains the details of a typical process for a woman seeking an abortion.
This is in accordance with MOH guidelines.
First, after the woman makes an appointment, she will go through a consultation, where a doctor reviews her medical history. The doctor talks to her about her previous pregnancies and her use of contraception, if any.
A scan is done, reviewing how many weeks pregnant she is. If she is between 14 and 24 weeks' pregnant, she is referred to a hospital.
The patient is counselled. The procedure and its possible risks are explained along with the different methods of contraception. These methods can include the morning-after pill, condoms, and the intrauterine contraceptive device.
She then views a 10-minute video titled Abortion - Consider With Care, which is produced by MOH. It reiterates the details of the abortion, warns of possible risks and explains the different methods of contraception.
She is also given two pamphlets to read: The Truth About Abortion, and Contraceptive Methods - Which One Is Best For Me. The woman is given a minimum of 48 hours to think it over and make her decision.
Dr Choey says that in his experience, most patients come back a week later.
If a woman decides on an abortion, she undergoes the procedure after signing a consent form.
Dr Choey says the procedure usually takes 90 minutes.
Two weeks later, the woman returns to the clinic for post-abortion counselling, where she is again advised on different methods of contraception. The typical cost for an abortion at his clinic is between $900 and $1,000, says Dr Choey.
A quick check with some government hospitals reveal that abortion costs range from $500 to $750 for Singaporeans who get referrals from polyclinics.
The New Paper
Woman had 3 abortions since she was undergrad
by Maureen Koh
She often wakes up in cold sweat, haunted by the nightmares of crying babies reaching out to her.
"I blame no one but myself," says the guilt-ridden financial consultant, who has had three abortions.
In an interview last week with The New Paper on Sunday, Ms Mary Tan, 30, recounts how she regretted her decisions.
Responding to Non-Constituency Member of Parliament Gerald Giam's question on the number of abortions in Parliament last week, the Ministry of Health (MOH) used abortion statistics for the period between 2003 and 2011.
The statistics show that more than half of the women who have abortions in Singapore are below 29 years old.
And one in three women who underwent abortions has had previous abortions.
Ms Tan is one of these women. Her first abortion was about 10 years ago, when she was an undergraduate.
She was dating a sales executive, but was also seeing a senior from her university.
When she found out she was pregnant, she was in a fix.
Ms Tan recounts: "I was not prepared to get married anyway, plus I didn't know who the father was. I was at a loss.
"I had my studies to focus on. I wasn't sure what would happen if I was forced to quit uni studies. I agonised over it for several days and could only share it with a close friend."
Her friend's immediate response was: Get an abortion. It's no big deal.
Time was also running out and Ms Tan was worried that the longer she delayed taking her decision, the slimmer the chance of aborting. It would also be risky.
Different priorities
Accompanied by her friend, she eventually went to a gynaecologist's clinic.
"It was a proper one, unlike what you see on TV, in dramas and shows. Nothing dodgy about it."
But before the abortion, she had to go through a counselling session with the doctor.
She was also shown a video which detailed the procedure and warned of its risk.
This is part of the process mandated by MOH.
Ms Tan says: "I think it was a way of trying to ensure that we knew what we were getting into, and that we wouldn't regret it.
"After all, it was a life that we are getting rid of."
The 10-minute video changed her mind - albeit for four days, which included the 48-hour cooling period.
"I changed my mind and decided to go home. I kept thinking about it and wondered if there was another way out," she says.
"Look, it wasn't a decision I made on the spur of the moment. I had considered all the options, weighed the pros and cons.
"Between that niggling feeling (of guilt) and my future, I finally picked what I felt was more important - my future."
She pauses for several seconds, then adds softly: "Yes, when you are young, your priorities are different."
It was a painless procedure that lasted less than two hours.
"But I didn't know there were other things that I should have taken care of. For example, I found out only much later (from friends) that an abortion is more physically exhausting than giving birth.
"I didn't take care of my health."
She also didn't abstain from sex.
She says: "I didn't tell my then-boyfriend about what I'd done."
Six months later, she found out she was pregnant again.
That was a blow.
Not ready to settle down
"I thought it was really so ridiculous. There are so many women out there who want a baby so badly but cannot conceive, and it was so easy for me."
This time, Ms Tan insisted, she "thought over it more intently".
And because she was certain it was her boyfriend's, she told him about it too.
"What I didn't expect was he'd be so excited. He immediately proposed and said we could get married right away.
"I was speechless. And fearful."
She adds: "He was really happy, but I was not. And I struggled over how I should let him know I wasn't ready to settle down."
What followed was several days of chats, cajoling, negotiations and then, arguments.
She was in a dilemma.
"On one hand, I was pleased he wanted to assume responsibility, but I felt he didn't think of me," says Ms Tan.
"I was a student, while he was working. He didn't have any idea of the kind of sacrifices I'd have to make, which included having to cope with what others would say or think of me.
"Not to forget my parents would kill me if they found out."
She adds: "He even told me if I didn't want the baby, I could just have it and then give it up to him. He was that adamant," recalls Ms Tan.
It was during one of their more heated debates over whether she should speak to a counsellor that she blurted out: "What's the difference? It's not like this will be my first abortion."
The revelation came as a blow to her boyfriend and he just walked off without a word. For the next three days, he didn't respond to her calls.
Unaware that her boyfriend needed the time to cool down, she thought he was avoiding her. Angry, she made an appointment with another gynaecologist.
It was also then that she was told the pregnancy didn't seem healthy and she was actually advised to consider an abortion.
"Frankly, I don't know if things could have turned out differently had it not been for that condition... maybe yes, maybe not. Who knows?" she says, shrugging her shoulders.
By the time Ms Tan's ex-boyfriend, who wants to be known only as Kevin, contacted her a week later, it was too late.
What angered him, he tells The New Paper on Sunday in a phone interview, wasn't that she had cheated on him, but that she made her decisions without consulting him.
"Not once, but twice! She took away a life, one that could have been the product of our love without my permission."
He says he has forgiven Ms Tan "after so many years" even though he still thinks about how life for them could have been.
Kevin adds: "Until today, when I see babies or little children, I'd wonder what it'd be like if we had our baby.
Guilty feelings and breaking down
"The general perception is that abortion is very female-oriented, but men, like myself, do have to live with the pain or even, guilt."
Ms Tan says she is aware of Kevin's feelings.
"But it wasn't like I didn't feel guilty or sad. I think I merely suppressed those feelings and refused to give it much thought."
Until three years ago, when Ms Tan found out she was pregnant again. Again, she wasn't ready.
"I had just been told I was being considered for a promotion at the bank and I felt a pregnancy then would have impacted my career path in the wrong way. I just wasn't prepared to lose (the promotion)," she says.
And to ensure she was not making another wrong move, she shared the news of her pregnancy with her boyfriend.
Ms Tan laughs derisively, and then says: "I was a coward. I wanted him to be the one (to decide) so I didn't have to live with another burden of guilt. Deep in my heart, I knew he'd say give it up because he's always made it clear he doesn't like kids."
The recurring nightmares came six months after that abortion.
"I'd dream of crying babies, asking me 'mummy, why did you kill me?', or that of a baby with outstretched arms asking to be carried. It was terrible," she says with a shudder.
"It was also then that all my guilty feelings surfaced and I nearly broke down."
After sinking into depression for several weeks, she finally confided in an aunt, who promptly advised to seek help - in a religious ritual that will lead the infant spirits to rest and give them a chance for reincarnation.
Says Ms Tan: "After two rituals - one for the first two abortions and another for the third - I felt somewhat better and the nightmares have recurred less often."
When asked if she had considered giving them up for adoption then, she shakes her head firmly.
"No, definitely not. For one, I didn't want to go through the nine months of being in a pregnant state, people are bound to gossip about me behind my back.
"And I would not want to go on with my life, wondering about the babies I had given away, or for them to turn up one day, asking for a reunion. I didn't want to take my chance then."
But she would lead a different sex life if she could turn back the clock.
"I'd insist on my partner using some form of contraception, since I'm allergic to the Pill," she says. "And that's what I do now."
"At least 48 hours to decide after counselling myself"
Sixty-five clinics in Singapore are licensed to perform abortions, according to a search on the Ministry of Health's (MOH) website. These clinics are spread over the heartland and many are also in town.
Dr Ben Choey, gynaecologist at private clinic SBCC Women's Clinic (Clementi), explains the details of a typical process for a woman seeking an abortion.
This is in accordance with MOH guidelines.
First, after the woman makes an appointment, she will go through a consultation, where a doctor reviews her medical history. The doctor talks to her about her previous pregnancies and her use of contraception, if any.
A scan is done, reviewing how many weeks pregnant she is. If she is between 14 and 24 weeks' pregnant, she is referred to a hospital.
The patient is counselled. The procedure and its possible risks are explained along with the different methods of contraception. These methods can include the morning-after pill, condoms, and the intrauterine contraceptive device.
She then views a 10-minute video titled Abortion - Consider With Care, which is produced by MOH. It reiterates the details of the abortion, warns of possible risks and explains the different methods of contraception.
She is also given two pamphlets to read: The Truth About Abortion, and Contraceptive Methods - Which One Is Best For Me. The woman is given a minimum of 48 hours to think it over and make her decision.
Dr Choey says that in his experience, most patients come back a week later.
If a woman decides on an abortion, she undergoes the procedure after signing a consent form.
Dr Choey says the procedure usually takes 90 minutes.
Two weeks later, the woman returns to the clinic for post-abortion counselling, where she is again advised on different methods of contraception. The typical cost for an abortion at his clinic is between $900 and $1,000, says Dr Choey.
A quick check with some government hospitals reveal that abortion costs range from $500 to $750 for Singaporeans who get referrals from polyclinics.
