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Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

yinyang

Alfrescian (Inf)
Asset
Why tomatoes are red?


why tomatoes are red

One day, while taking a stroll, a woman came upon a gentleman neighbor.
He had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The man responded,
"Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden,
naked in my trench coat and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing
the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied,
"but my cucumbers are enormous."
 

yinyang

Alfrescian (Inf)
Asset
FACTS YOU MAY NOT KNOW.....................

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years .

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end .

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450 F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.


Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements
.
 

erection2015

Alfrescian (InfP) + C
lol......

patient.jpg
 

yinyang

Alfrescian (Inf)
Asset
Priest's Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation
was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited :

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his
way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and
gave VD to his sister. I was appalled, but as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine
parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late[/COLOR][/I][/B]
 

yinyang

Alfrescian (Inf)
Asset
Priest's Retirement Dinner

252855A0-13DD-4926-A59F-795D97E61357-895-000000C4EF646F46_zps20281bc0.jpg


A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited :

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled, but as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late
 
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sirus

Alfrescian (Inf)
Asset
Some Interesting Definition


Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.


Etc.: A sign to make others believe,you know more than you actually do.



Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and a woman gains her master's.


Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.


Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.


Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.


Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.


Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feelingyou have never felt before.


Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.


Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.


Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage ..


Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power .


Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody beleives he got the biggest piece


Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present...


Opportunists: One who starts having a bath when he/she accidently falls in a river ...


Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".


College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.


Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY


Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.


Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet"


Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.


Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
 

yinyang

Alfrescian (Inf)
Asset
Homeless golfer needs help?

homeless golfer needs help? SOS to erection2011 in our midst

B2285F97-E9DB-4406-87E3-4B8A04028778-403-00000036A1943420_zpse8e7ab01.jpg
 
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yinyang

Alfrescian (Inf)
Asset
Garden snakes can be dangerous ..for your well being! :p

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Green Tree Snakes (Dendrolaphis punctulata) can be dangerous. Yes, tree snakes or grass snakes, not brown snakes or taipans. Here's why.

A couple in Townsville, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold winter (for Townsville that is!), the wife was bringing some of the valued tender ones indoors to protect them from the cold night. It turned out that a little green tree snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the lounge. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the lounge.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The paramedics rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the lounge and the paramedic saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the lounge.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the lounge in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the lounge.

The neighbour, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at Woolies, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the lounge and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the curtains.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning curtains and called in the fire brigade. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed!
The snake was caught and both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.
 
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kongkek

Alfrescian
Loyal
Why is the "69" position also called the "smokers' position?"
Answer: Because while she is smoking the cigar, he is cleaning the ashtray.
-------------------------------
Question: Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?
Answer: Because it's HANDMADE!!
-----------------------------
An old man married a young girl. On the wedding night he Showed five fingers to his wife.
Young girl : Ooh.. Darling! 5 times?
Old man : No dear, choose which one you prefer to start with.
------------------------------
Man 1 : My wife is obsessed with cars. While asleep, she holds my bird and says "1st gear, 2nd gear.......
Man 2 : My wife is worse, she puts my bird inside her and says "Full tank, please".
------------------------------
Question: What is the smallest hotel in the world?
Answer: It's Vagina Inn. Because it can only accommodate 1 standing occupant and 2 pieces of baggage outside!
-----------------------------
Man went to the chemist to buy 1/4 of a Viagra.
Chemist said " It would be useless."
Man said, "I am 90, sex is out of question, I just want to stop peeing on my shoes".
-----------------------------
Reporter: Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis, would you care to comment on this?
Man: "The truth is that she has a big mouth!"
------------------------------
What is the similarity between a swimming pool and a wife?
For both, we pay high maintenance for the little time we spend in them.
--------------------------------
Love is a complicated piece of machinery.
Sometimes, all you need is a good screw to fix it.
 

yinyang

Alfrescian (Inf)
Asset
This one takes the cake, on to deal with errant wives!?! :p

http://www.ronsonwriter.com/content/view/69/9/

Husband Convicted Of Manslaughter After Dutch Oven Goes "Horribly Wrong"
Written by Nick Houldsworth

Mr Brian Flannery was convicted of 2nd Degree Manslaughter today at Peckham Crown Court, receiving a 5 year suspended sentence for the accidental death of his wife, Gloria Flannery, by toxic suffocation, after he gave her a 'Dutch Oven' that went, as the Judge described it, 'horribly, horribly wrong'.

The case for the prosecution argued for the charge of Murder, putting it to the court that, late one weekday evening as Mrs Flannery was reading a Jackie Collins novel in bed and unwinding for sleep, she was suddenly and forcibly pinned under the duvet by Mr Flannery, who sealed the edges with his weight while simultaneously releasing an enormous bolus of flatulence, which displaced all the available oxygen so that Mrs Flannery passed out nearly instantly, and was dead within 30 seconds.

Arguing for the defence, Mr Cavendish QC, stated that Mr Flannery was deeply upset and regretful. The incident was intended as a light-hearted practical joke, indeed it was the first time Mr Flannery had even tried what is commonly known on the street as a 'Dutch Oven', and even then only after hearing some friends talking one evening in the pub after five-a-side football, about 'doing it' to their wives 'all the time'.
 
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Semaj2357

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Asset
receiving a 5 year suspended sentence for the accidental death of his wife, Gloria Flannery, by toxic suffocation, after he gave her a 'Dutch Oven' that went, as the Judge described it, 'horribly, horribly wrong'.

haha, couldn't help but notice that the wife's name could be read as Glorius Flatulence and a case of just "hot off the press" after being pressed :biggrin:
 
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