Not blue pill.. but laughter's best medicine

A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time....

Prostitute: Hi, want to have sex?
Santa: Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute: I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?
Santa: She does it for free....



Doctor: Your knees are all blistered.
Lady: Coz of doggy style!
Doctor: Can't you do it any other style?
Lady: Oh, I can, but the dog can't!
-- If it's impossible, do it!

Marrying an old man
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.

On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber."



Taking the tube


Hannah has had a tiring day at the office and is now on her way home. She gets on a tube train at Bank station and, as usual, is dismayed to find it packed. Everyone is squashed together like sardines. But this time, things get worse.

During the next 10 minutes, she becomes more and more aware of the man standing behind her - so much so that when the train reaches Euston, she turns to him and without attracting other passengers’ attention, says, "I can feel something hard rubbing against my backside. Please remove it."

The man quietly replies, "There’s no need to get panicky. I got paid today and what you feel is a roll of £50 notes in my pocket."

"So are you telling me that between Bank and Euston your salary doubled?" says Hannah.

Woes on married life. Excuses to be with the boys??

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Something funny to lighten your day

DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked
lady, I'll turn into stone............. A part of me is getting hard already!


NAMES OF WIVES

A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !


HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME

This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while
thinking a name of his country and his mistress ask him "is it In Dear?"...

RESEARCH FINDING

Research shows men are fatter than women because
every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1
banana, 2 peanuts &1tea-spoon of starch!


ARAB MAN

An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"


SERVICE

Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and
sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service"


HAPPY MAN

What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy
and ..... Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

SWIMSUIT

Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.


GOOD AMBITION

Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can
tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.


DENTIST

Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll
rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly."


VIRGIN

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her
tombstone to read : BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "


OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything.

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that He wanted to get married.

His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the Girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, ''I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The Girl you want to marry is our sister, but please don't tell your mother.''

The young man again brought three more names to his Father but ended up frustrated because the response was still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother. ''Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.''

His mother smiling said to him, ''Don't worry my son, you can marry any of Those girls. You're not his son.

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!'
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'
The man says: 'You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead,
I'll hold your monkey for you.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.'
The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.'

Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
The other says, 'Go home dad you're drunk.'

Nice stuffs, bro 8868 !..

Fishypie said:

Nice stuffs, bro 8868 !..

Click to expand...

Many thanks for your points

Here's for the afternoon laugh


WIVES

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is: "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

Sam Kinison
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

James Holt McGavran
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Five Rules For A Happy Life:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very very important that these four women don't know each other .

Surinder Singh's uncle was booked into an Air India flight to Bombay ..
But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.

When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, 'I have brought my own lunch.
Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!'

So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal.

The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher and was curious about the food. 'Excuse me, what is that drink?' he asked. The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, 'Milk of India !'

Then the uncle took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting.'And what is that dish?' asked the curious American.
'Wheat of India !' replied the uncle proudly.

Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American. What is it?' asked the American. 'Sweets of India !' replied the old man.

After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud 'pooooooooot!' sound from the uncle. 'What was that?' asked the American, holding his nose in disgust.
The old man replied coolly, 'That's Air India!!

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'

The third surgeon, from Houston, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'.

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts; no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable!

THREE WOMEN...............

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting over lunch and conversation turns to their relationships. They decided that night to surprise their men.......All three would wear a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

A few days later they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex for hours.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
He walked in the door, looked at me and said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

MUTHU AND THE INTERVIEWER

Interviewer: 'What is your birth date?'
Muthu: '13th October.'
Interviewer: 'Which year?'
Muthu : 'Every year.'

MUTHU AND HIS MANAGER

The Manager asked Muthu at an interview ...
'Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?'
Muthu replied: 'P-O-S-T-B-O-X.'

MUTHU AND LONDON TRIP

After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, 'Do I look like a foreigner?'
Wife: 'No! Why?'
Muthu: 'In London, a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'... that's why.'
Wife : ?????????

MUTHU AND TOURIST

A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his village ... and Muthu said .. 'No sir, only babies were born here.'

MUTHU AND HIS EXPERIMENT

Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one leg and told it to 'WALK! WALK!' The cockroach walked.
Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked.
Then he cut off the third leg and did the same. Finally, he cut off its fourth leg and ordered it walk! But the cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, 'I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.'

MUTHU AND DRIVER

When Muthu was traveling with his wife in a motorized tricycle, the driver adjusted the mirror. Muthu shouted, 'You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will drive.'


MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL

Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin. Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing. Muthu pointed towards the signboard '* WASH BASIN *'

MUTHU AND INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART

Interviewer : 'Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?'
Muthu: 'It's simple. I will just stop my imagination.'

Oh ...... the funniest ...

At a political rally, Muthu was arrested. Why ????????????
Because a lady journalist with a badge which read '* PRESS *' pinned on the right part of her blouse walked past him .. and he did it!